This afternoon, I came face to face with the thing I KNEW I was going to face sooner or later as a mother. A bee. In my house. With me, and my boy. And I don't just mean ANY bee, I mean a bee the size of my THUMB. And it wasn't the fuzzy (& supposedly cute kind) with yellow stripes - it was the kind with a LONG sharpish kind of body that made it look more like a wasp except I just don't think it looked overall very wasp-like either.
Anyway, I did what any terrifyingly-afraid-of-all-things-bee-like person would do, and I locked my boy safely in his room. Supposedly I was just putting him down for a minute to kill this MONSTER that was threatening my child until I could go back to feed him, but uh, it kinda didn't go like that, and my poor boy ended up crying himself to sleep. Shockingly it only took him TWELVE minutes of crying, but that's another story for later.
So out I went, to the hallway, tupperware bowl in hand. Tupperware? Yes, TUPPERWARE. Because *I*, being a terrifyingly-afraid-of-all-things-bee-like person, well I'm not able to KILL all things bee-like, because I have this ADDITIONAL irrational fear that if I don't kill all things bee-like in the FIRST attempt, well all things bee-like will RACE back after me in a storm of anger, and well... kill me. Or swarm my head like a sea of killer bees. Except there'd only be one. So it'd... uh... kill me.
Anyhoo... as I stared that bee-like thing down, and felt my heart crawl QUICKLY into my throat, it of course decided to move. Off the wall it was sitting on. Up to the light. WHERE I COULDN'T FREAKIN' TRAP IT WITH A TUPPERWARE BOWL!!! So I, in all my motherly bravery raced beneath it, flicked on the bathroom lights, raced BACK beneath it the other way, and stood in the hallway patting myself on the back for how smart I was, cuz FOR SURE that bee thing was going to head into the NEW light, and I could just shut the door behind it, trapping it in the bathroom til the husband got home SIX HOURS FROM NOW.
But of course it didn't. Because ALL THINGS BEE-LIKE ARE ASSHOLES!
Instead it decided to go down to our floor, and scoot around THERE! Which seemed AWESOME at the time - the time when I thought I'd be able to swallow my heart-pounding quickly enough to get OVER to the bee thing in time to trap it on the floor. But of course being a terrifyingly-afraid-of-all-things-bee-like person, I DIDN'T get there in time, and the little ASSHOLE scooted itself into my front closet. You know, in amongst a HUNDRED jackets and a BILLION pairs of shoes, where it could play to my OTHER irrational fear. The one where I feel like anything hiding in a closet will pounce on me the SECOND I go near the closet to look for it? Yea, that one. And of course if it POUNCED on me, well that'd turn into that swarming/killing thing I mentioned above.
Yup, fun times.
So I gave in to any and ALL sense of pride, and called a friend. A friend who is very VERY fatherly (even though he's my age), who is TOTALLY gentlemanly (so will of course want to save the mother and baby from the MONSTER in the closet), and not the kind of dude who would post his amusement on Facebook for EVERYONE ELSE to revel in my humiliation.
And being the guy I TOTALLY know him to be, he came. And he didn't even laugh! Well, until I nearly wet my pants when his phone started vibrating and I thought it was the bee thing and I screamed like the girl I am.
He did however get a lesson in what it's like to be married to me, because seriously, this poor dude? By the time he left, I'm pretty sure he was sweating. And it's not because he'd worked HIMself up in fear, but because *I'D* worked him up in fear.
Because EVERY time he touched a coat, I'd JUMP that the bee thing was in his hand(!!!), and how could he possibly just DO THAT cuz what if it really WAS in his hand!?!??! And because EVERY time he pulled out yet ANOTHER pair of shoes, and stuck his hand IN the shoes, I'd jump up and down and clench my fists tight to my chest, freaking out at even the THOUGHT of doing what he was doing.
Either way, that bee thing is gone and dead, and me and the boy? Well, we be chillin'. Me pretending this whole afternoon didn't REALLY happen, and him having slept none the wiser.
Wednesday, 28 April, 2010
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7 comments:
omg. we are measuring your windows for screens on Monday...for your sake, the savior dude (who began drinking the minute he got home to calm down & will be checking his call display from now on & screening you during the husband's work hours) & mostly for D's sake...#1 so that he doesn't pick up your fear & #2 so that he doesn't have to spend time in his room for 'bee time' (sleepy time & time out will be enough)
I'm really glad you had a savior to call. It's amazing the things we will try to face down for the sake of our kids.
Anonymous, we have screens - on everything! Just for this reason! It followed me in the front door or something? Cuz it was out to kill me...
Oh. My. FREAKING. GAWD!
Totally my worst fear - I can completely relate!
Last time we got one in the house, I of COURSE was home alone... I called Grumps, who suggested I suck it up with the dyson. BRILLIANT idea! Until he sent out some freaking bee homing trouble alert, because as soon as he was safely incased in the dog hair/cat hair/dusty mess in the canister, his BUDDY showed up! Luckily, I was able to suck him right in there, too.
So, thats my input... vacuum them (and then make the husband empty the vacuum, of course).
OMG I am cracking up. I have the same fear and have some very funny bee stories that are too long to tall you now except for the one where I used to deliver pizzas when I was ateen and I delivered to this big office building. When I got back to my car there was a bee in it so i of course ran out and opened both doors and that is when the bee started chasing me around the car for several minutes. I finally got back in my car and started driving away and there it was again so I started swearving around the parking lot. I finally got rid of it but it was then I realized several people from the office building were watching me out the window and the problem with that is they could not see the bee. They just saw a crazy person. I laughed for a long time about that and still do.
I swear there are a whole new breed of hybrid bees out there. I have never seen so many different kinds of stinging little bastards in all my life since moving into this area.
Glad it's gone and you and D were rescued.
OK - I laughed but ONLY because I was reading about it and not living it.
Three cheers for the gentlemanly friend!
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