Way back when, in the horrid land that was the infertility days, I'd written about how parenthood seemed to be this secret club - how there seemed to be this glass room I could see INTO, but was never actually INVITED into. Or hell, maybe I WAS invited in, but I, in all my gimpiness and "good fortune", couldn't make the damn key work so I was always peering in from the OUTSIDE, wishing I was INSIDE.
And when I'd written about it, I'd kinda assumed that while yea, there WAS a club - uh, have you SEEN all the parents hanging out?!?! - maybe it wasn't that much of a SECRET club. Or hell, maybe it wasn't even a CLUB! Maybe I just THOUGHT it was a club because I was angry and frustrated that I couldn't be part of it.
Yet now that I AM a parent, I can confirm there really IS a club, and while it ain't so SECRET, there are elements of it I never ever EVER expected in a million years. Because yea, I was prepared for all these new EVENTS I'd get to go to, and all these new THINGS I'd get to talk to people about, but I really never ever expected to feel a bit like a celebrity sometimes.
Because right now, just running to my MAILBOX - IN.MY.BUILDING!!! - I get stopped by someone EVERY TIME. They either want to ask how old my boy is, or see "who is making all that racket".
Just going to Costco or Safeway? I probably get stopped twice, if not MORE, on EVERY trip. People will GRAB MY CART to slow me down and peek at my boy. They'll tap me on the shoulder to ask how old he is. Hell, some of them even go so far as to ask me how my LABOR WAS! Complete STRANGERS! Essentially asking about my CHA CHA! And depending on my mood, I sometimes tell them more than they EVER wanted to know about my cha cha. Cuz their reaction is my entertainment.
The other day, at Starbucks, a woman started telling me about how her and her husband can't decide when THEY should have kids, and wanted to know how WE decided. She went into GREAT DETAIL about how many of her friends had kids (all of them except one, who's single and not very happy about it), how her parents are pushing her (particularly her mother), and how they're just not sure that they believe there's ever a "right time" (their finances are good but will they ever be good enough?).
And then of course there's the skank from the other day...
And the thing that's weird about it, is that when I go out on my own? NOBODY talks to me. NOBODY! The other day the husband and I went out for an hour without the boy, and it was like we were INCOGNITO! Are they parents? Nobody even questioned it, or questioned US, because the boy was at home, and we were just nobody's all over again!
And while I know I can be a pile of sap about my boy, that outing made me actually MISS him - after [only] about 15 minutes! Because there was this total realization that my boy hasn't just changed everything, he's changed E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. He's brought us to this place where things are hard and weird and awesome, all at the same time. But we're finally here. We're finally in this place we wanted to be for so bloody long.
Thursday, 21 January, 2010
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15 comments:
Membership has its perks, for sure.
And so does membership to the other club. You just don't appreciate those perks (like sleep) as much until they are gone.
Yep. I feel like a superstar when I go out with Mini -- it seems like every woman who has children MY age is attracted to him because he reminds them of their grandchildren.
I remember taking out my oldest when he was about 15 months old and I was about 7 months pregnant with the twins.
It was Christmas time and I looked like I was about to pop!
A woman in the grocery story said, "I hope the baby waits for the holidays."
I said, "I hope they both do."
After the twins were born, I loved to be out and about. With kids so close in age, I constantly got questions -- twins? triplets?
It is like being a celebrity (who doesn't get any sleep, changes diapers all day long and rarely enjoys a hot meal).
But it was completely worth it!
Kids are like a calling card that lets strangers with kids know immediately that you have something in common. I guess it's human nature to want to discuss and share that something.
We get stopped all the time with the twins and it can get frustrating when you're in a hurry or just not in the mood to deal with people (more often than I'd like to admit). On the occasions where I'm out in public with just one of the kids, I definitely notice a decrease in the amount of comments or questions from strangers. I can't imagine having triplets!
You're so right. When we first had the twins, we had to factor in an extra hour of time for our outing because that's how much extra time was spent answering a zillion repeats of the same questions:
1. Are they twins?
2. Are they "natural." (uum, no-picked them up right off the shelf, I did.)
3. Are they two boys (or girls).
4. Are they identical? (often asked after we told them we had one of each)
I really love this post (and I love, love, love the visual I am getting imagining the peoples reaction when you are telling them about your cha-cha).
Oh yes I was going to blog about the club, it certainly does exist!
Everywhere we go, people are ooohing and ahhhing over how adorable Jillian is. And honestly, I'd be completely lying if I didn't say that I loved it.
The feeling incognito thing when alone is true! We've learned that we're going to get oohs and ahhs when we have the twins out, people even catch on, when we have them in seperate shopping carts, so it's 2 stops b/c both of us get stopped for a looksie. I'll confess the first time I went alone to the market, and no one stopped me, I was "hello?! I'm here!" It's definitely a different feeling I didn't think I'd go through.
I remember the same thing those first few months. And even now, when we go to the grocery store, and O will insistently say "HI!" to everyone we pass... it's a whole new ballgame. (And for me? VERY easy to hide behind O, since really they're only looking at him anyway.)
I love the smiles and compliments, but find it really annoying when people want to touch my child. of course questions about my pregnancy and labor are totally awkward (and inappropriate) since I don't need to share everything with everyone about my child's origins, especially when she's old enough to understand and share herself (or not).
it's as if babies and bellies are public domain. annoying.
I've also noticed that attention one gets while both pregnant and with a new baby. I would've never imagined it prior to my little guy (I suspected it, but the confirmation is here) and I remember resenting it while pregnant knowing that for so many years I had wished not for the attention, but for the child and just because nature didn't comply, I had missed out on the things that fertile women easily reaped.
However, now I'm trying hard not to resent the fact that there really is a club I was for so long excluded from and just trying to enjoy my kid and the company of others in similar boats. Honestly, sometimes I miss that attention when out on my own (which doesn't happen often).
My overly analytical take: people in our mostly anonymous society actually crave reasons to strike up a conversation out in the public space. But it's hard to just start talking to some random person - babies provide that automatic connection that most people can relate to. I think dogs can do that, too, to some extent.
In public space design we are always asked to provide areas for the public to interact and mingle, but the truth is that people just don't do that unless they have some common ground. Like, at farmer's markets people may strike up a conversation about a cherimoya, but they won't just start talking to a stranger without a "prop" to anchor the exchange.
Of course, at the farmer's market a baby in a stroller is regarded as an obstacle, not a conversation starter...
Enjoy it! You can go back to anonymity in a few years!
Lorraine, your points are awesome. I'd never thought of it that way but it makes total sense!!
kids are such a conversation starter, aren't they?
It's funny you mention this because I hate going out without all three of my kids. It's like I want "credit" for all three of them, not just one or two. I even finding myself talking about "your brother" or "your sisters" loudly like I need a complete stranger to know I have more children. I'm such a dork.
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