The problem with breastfeeding is that while everyone will WARN you how hard it is, nobody really explains HOW it's hard. So when you're lucky like I am, and the little bugger latches well immediately, you think, "hmmm, this isn't so bad?". Except that isn't necessarily what they're talking about. And then when he feeds ALL the time, you change your mind and think, "ohhhh, THIS is what's hard". Except that isn't necessarily what they're talking about either.
Because what they're REALLY talking about isn't that easy to explain... or maybe it's just so exhausting that they don't BOTHER to explain it, cuz the ONE day when they felt they MIGHT be coherent enough to explain it, their kid kicked their ass so hard they barely even managed to BRUSH THEIR TEETH that day so explaining it was no longer that important.
But for me at least - and apparently a LOT of you too?! - what's hard is the total UNPREDICTABILITY of it. Like SOME days, my little bugger will feed consistently every 2-3 hours, and will feed WELL, and my life will be awesome, and I will have hope, and I will feel like a rockstar because we're GETTING SOMEWHERE!
Yet on OTHER days, my little bugger will BE a little bugger. He will KICK MY ASS every which way, he will feed WHENEVER he wants with WILD abandonment and inconsistency, and he will fuss at the boob pretty much EVERY SINGLE TIME from about 10pm onwards. And on THOSE days, I will question everything I'm doing re my supply, and wonder how long I'll be able to do this, and if I'll need to supplement and how much, and if it's MY milk we supplement with will I be able to get enough. Because really, when he feeds with wild abandonment, how will I ever be able to predict what I need? And yea, now that I'm awhile into this, it all seems like quite NORMAL stuff to stress over, but that doesn't make it any easier, cuz it STILL sucks, and it's STILL hard.
It's hard to have it dangled in front of you as something that's going WELL, and something that's EASY, and then just a couple hours later, to have it all go to shit on you as your child fusses and screams and refuses to STOP being hungry.
It's hard to start wondering if you'll have to make x decision, and wonder JUST HOW MUCH guilt you'll have over MAKING x decision, but then right at that very moment have it all get EASY again, go SMOOTHLY again, and have it "dangled" again... dangled as this thing that maybe IS actually getting better. Except then again, maybe it's not.
It's hard to just "roll with it" as I really REALLY try to do most of the time, and actually think I DO do most of the time - because no matter how much I DO roll with it most of the time, when I'm NOT rolling with it, when I'm NOT finding it easy, well it's f*g hard. Really really f*g hard. Which makes the times I AM rolling with it, seem all that much further away.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
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I don't think you're going to believe this but... this all sounds perfectly NORMAL. Honestly. Hang in there, try to let go of expectations, and if anything, just expect the unexpected. Most babies, even mine and his friends at almost 9 months old, still aren't all too interested in a schedule (regarding anything: feeding, sleep, pooping, etc.). Sure it does get easier to predict when they'll need what each week, but it's always a bit of a crapshoot. Again, hang in there!
Chicklet.
Honey, I think we might have been twins separated by birth. . . or a few countries and years, but whatever.
I remember all of these fears and more. That each decision I made was going to ruin my precious little bub. Life with a newborn was so. much. harder than I had ever anticipated. It was wonderful. . . and it sucked . . . all at once.
I had lots of soothing comments on my blog, which I dismissed, because in my terror and sleepless haze, I thought, "Sure, YOUR babies got into a schedule or whatever, but what if MY baby doesn't??? What if I ruin him???"
At 8 weeks, I gained some confidence in myself as a mom. I started learning little things here and there that helped (an Ergo saved my life, honestly). I let go of a lot and just decided to wait and see what would happen.
True to everyone's gentle predictions, at 10 weeks, he started sleeping longer and fussing less. His nursing settled more into a routine, though there were times where it would slip back. At 5 months, he started sleeping through the night and taking SCHEDULED naps and going to bed at a somewhat decent hour. It's gotten better and smoother every day since.
Kathleen is right, it is never 100% predictable. But it DOES get easier, both you and he you WILL sleep through the night again, AND you ARE doing an AMAZING, FREAKIN' FANTASTIC JOB!!!!!! Really, I promise.
Hugs.
And that's why people just say that breastfeeding is hard. You have done a fine job of explaining why and how it is hard.
You're doing a great job, though.
Oh, and if you are worried about supply, there is a supplement you can take called Fenugreek. It will make your urine smell like maple syrup, but after taking it for two days, I noticed my milk was more consistent in what I was able to pump. I'd ask your pediatrician or OB their advice on it, but mine was the one who recommended it.
Also, we did end up doing a 2 oz supplemental bottle at the last feed of the night and that did seem to help Will settle a bit, but he was still up and nursing often at night. That bottle was nice because M got to feed him and I got to have a bit longer of a stretch of sleep. If you don't want to do formula, then you can just pump a bit after each feed throughout the day. It will also help stimulate milk production and you should be able to get 2 oz throughout several feeds.
I hear you sister - and times it by 4 months! I agree with Kathleen that it all sounds totally normal (and I must go read her blog apparently) because for us at almost 5 months we don't utter the "s" word (schedule) because Little Miss has no idea what it means. Some days we're uber productive and feel like we rule the world and on other days she kicks my ass and I feel useless.
So yes - this is all good and normal (sorry!) and you're doing amazingly! Hang in there!
I second what everyone else says. And also reminding you and myself that the times when the wee ones go nursing crazy are often the way they are working to build up our supply because they are growth spurting or just extra hungry for whatever reason. And so as hard as it is to remember - they are solving the "problem" in advance and we really only need to worry about taking care of ourselves - resting, eating well and lots, drinking plenty of water, etc. I know I get worried that my supply is lacking when he seems really insatiable, but just waiting it out a day or so generally resolves things. Of course this is exactly what your post says.
Uh, so yeah. Like you so clearly conveyed here, it is a mind f*ck. But maybe knowing it's a mind f*ck helps it not to be so rough? That sometimes helps me.
Hang in there. It is tough building an entirely new human using only your own body, especially when they are on the outside and can express their displeasure. You are doing great.
Oh man, does this take me back. There were so very many times I could have written this post myself. Hang in there. While it is fucking hard (yeah, I said it), you are doing awesome.
I had my ass kicked sideways until three months. I can tell you with great certainty that it gets much easier then.
1. Breastfeeding just magically got easier!
2. The 9:00 am nap appeared and it was long!
3. They started lasting about three hours between sessions.
The only assvice I will dispense is that cosleeping really made night easier. But I know I am way more hippie than you with my Neil Young and Joni Mitchell habit.
XO
I can't believe you're moaning about this poor baby so much, after wanting it so long. We've all been there, of course there are hard nights, but overall it sounds like you are having it a lot easier than most. can we not even have one post where you're actually happy about him? I know you're being tongue in cheek, but it ain't nice to see him repeatedly called a little bugger.
If you want some good - non fluffy - breastfeeding advice, I would highly recommend http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding
Rachel, fuck off!!! Having a newborn is fucking hard. This is her space to express whatever she needs to.
BTW, I know "little bugger" is said with great affection.
And I was just thinking to myself this morning, that if anyone ever told me they quit bfing bc of repeated plugged ducts, I would totally understand why (you can guess what my problem is).
It's hard. And it's hard in so many different ways, that it's difficult to explain WHY it's so hard. And once you think you've got SOMETHING figured out, another thing will pop up.
Keep hanging in there, and just know that you are completely normal and not alone in how you feel in the least.
Holy cow. I'm also going to tell Rachel to fuck off.
Being a mom is HARD. You don't KNOW anything. Seriously, there are FEW THINGS that you actually KNOW about your kid.
The rest is guessing, and talking to other moms, and getting comments from your blog readers.
But I can tell you something. You get used to the not knowing. To making educated guesses.
Schedule-wise? We never had a schedule when I was home with O. He ate when he want and slept when he wanted. And he's FINE.
Hang in there, hon. You ARE doing a great job. It gets easier every day.
xxx
Those growth spurts are so hard, and the constant feeding frequently made me doubt myself and my supply, but it sounds like everything is going just as it should. I know it's not easy. I don't think there's anything anyone can say to prepare you in advance for the experience of parenting, or how it FEELS to be a parent when you're so tired. You're doing great - keep up all your good work!
Rachel, I'm just saying how I feel, and if how I feel is that this is hard, that's what I'm going to write. However, if all I've written is doom and gloom (I thought I'd written happy ones too?), I'll look at that cuz yea, there is a ton of good with this boy too.
This blog for me though is a record of how things were/are, and I'm not going to sugarcoat that it's all sunshine and unicorns when it's not. Yea, I wanted him for what felt like forever, but that doesn't make me struggle any less as a mom. It's hard no matter how long you tried.
Having had a little bugger myself, I can tell you it gets better. I promise. I swear. It does. One day it will just happen and you'll think why was I so stressed out? You're stressed because this time with an infant is SO FREAKING stressful. People will lie and say that by 1 month they had their child on a schedule and I've come to realize they are either lying or they got a baby that was easier to handle than my child was. Every baby is different and every experience we have as mothers differs. You have the right (and personally, I prefer) that you share your experience, not what you think people want to hear about it. If you don't like it (Rachel) you might choose to read elsewhere--there are lots of nauseating articles and blogs about women with the perfect motherhood experience.
Everything you're going through is normal, not that it makes it better but knowing there is a light and that you're almost there can sometimes help.
You're doing a great job and that's the best thing you can give your little boy. ((HUGS))
Ha. Nice reaction from some of you.
chicklet, I feel strangely honoured to be replied to. In my blunt way I guess I'm trying to say I hope you are enjoying him. I'm sure you are, and of course I don't want unicorns, I wouldn't be following your blog if I did. Similarly though, I think comments can be good for you to hear from another perspective sometimes.
The mumsnet link might well be useful though, people on there helped me a lot with various problems. It's not full of lame tickers and baby dust and ((hugs)) which I can't help thinking you wouldn't particularly like
I hope tonight is a good night.
I wish someone had told me that no one's baby- well, almost no one's- is textbook, and that it's possible for my child to start cluster feeding from the day of his birth, every hour of the night.
Or that it would be months before he figured night was night and day was day. I swear, it does get better.
If I may add my two pennies worth..
The only thing I was disappinted in after having three babies is the breastfeeding bit, I mean, "they" go on and on about how important mothers milk is but they NEVER tell you it can be that HARD, never once did I read that.
If there is one thing I did learn is that its near impossible to schedule feeds as you can with a bottle.
A good friend of mine who I see all the time and who is still breastfeeding her 6 month old has the baby feeding all the time as far as i can see, sometimes for just a minute or two to tide her over as she says. Sometimes a whole afternoon passes and its still on there :)
I dont think scheduling is possible and I've tried three times now, so maybe someone somewhere managed but most of us dont.
Accept there's no schedule possible or a consistent sucking time and as long as you have enough milk and are happy doing it, just carry on and well done for making the effort.
Sorry for the inconsistency of this comment, I'm typing with one hand :)
xxx
Rachel, I responded cuz you hit a nerve - both good and bad.
My original reaction was to say the things some of the others did, because even now, I don't think I was "moaning about this poor baby". I was telling it like it is... mostly.
When I took a step back and re-read what I'd written lately though, I realized I did sound more negative than how I felt. Cuz in reality, this is all pretty damn great. But breastfeeding DOES suck, and it IS getting to me, but apparently I was whipping off frustrated posts faster than I was whipping off happy posts about the good, when there is good to post about.
So yea, your perspective was good. But it wasn't your perspective that was bad, it's how you wrote it [that got that initial reaction from me at least, and probably from the others].
First - being a Mom is hard. You can go into it ~knowing~ that, but it really doesn't mean anything until you're doing it. I find I blog about a lot of negative things and when I'm upset and need support because that is my outlet. Somehow the puppy dogs and rainbows get left out.
Our kiddo worked well on a schedule. I found that I could better interpret his cries if I knew he couldn't be hungry yet and he seemed more confident in the fact that he could expect regular feeding and not wonder when (or if) it was going to happen. It was HARD getting there, but it did work for us.
My pediatrician also recommended Fenugreek as a supplement for my breast milk production but I haven't tried it. His other suggestion - one beer a day. Seriously. He said it would kill two birds with one stone - increase my milk supply and make me take it down a notch. I can't believe he has figured me out so fast.
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