Last night, having a mini meltdown, this song was what kept coming into my head. Not because the lyrics are right, or because it's emotional enough to be right, but just because the title is how I feel sometimes with this whole "being a mother" thing - with this whole "a lot of it is on me" thing. I feel... Under Pressure.
Because as the mother, if I want to breastfeed (I do), a lot of it IS on me. And I guess I always knew it would be on me, but I didn't totally get the WAYS it would be on me. I didn't get things like when D gets crazy fussy many nights around 10 or 11pm, and refuses to calm down until 1:30 or 2am, that sometimes breastfeeding would be the only thing that calms him. And I don't mean that I'm just SHOVING a boob in his mouth cuz I'm helpless and have no other ideas, I mean that he WON'T STOP FEEDING, and when I stop him from feeding, thinking "there ain't nothing left in there dude", he'll root, and suck, and even chew on his hand - like he's hungry. Like I'm not just calming him with feeding, like I'm not just shutting him up with feeding, like he still NEEDS more food. Even when I have no more to give.
So last night, AFTER nursing him, I gave him a bottle with another 1.5oz in it - and he took the WHOLE THING with a speed that was kinda dumbfounding. Which when he's not hungry, he refuses to take at all, let alone quickly, so obviously he WAS hungry. But the part that set me off wasn't that I had to give him a bottle after nursing, it was that 5 minutes later, after being all happily milk-drunk and dopey, he started rooting AGAIN. And crying again. And eating his hand AGAIN... like there was no tomorrow. So I gave him ANOTHER bottle with ANOTHER 1.5oz, and he took most of that TOO before he finally settled in for the night.
And what's hard about it all is that yet again, this seems like it could be about MY body and what I can get MY body to do. Meaning, it's all on ME to fix this. And fine, it's only SOME nights that he can feed like this, but what last night led me to was that maybe some of his evening fussiness - which by the way is almost ALWAYS between 10pm and 2am - is more about hunger than anything else. Like maybe when the husband and I kept thinking he couldn't POSSIBLY need to be fed AGAIN so soon, like he's just using sucking to soothe and he's not REALLY hungry, that he actually DOES need to be fed again so soon, and he really IS hungry. And maybe it's because he's not getting enough. Or more specifically, he's not getting enough late in the EVENING before bed, because maybe that's when my "production" is lowest, or has been maxxed out, or something like that.
And yes, I KNOW that babies feed more often at night, and yes, I KNOW I might be reaching, but I also might not be, because when I start thinking about the specific nights where he seems FOREVER hungry, he's not just chewing on his hand, he's fussy at the boob too. Like he'll do his crazy "bobbing for boob" thing where he uh... well... it's like he's bobbing for apples but instead of apples, there's a boob, and instead of just GRABBING that apple - uh boob - he'll just keep knocking his head into it, and IF he grabs it, he'll make a "sour" face and let it go again like he picked a bad apple. Admittedly this only happens after he's been feeding for a SUPER long time, but still... maybe some nights this really IS about feeding.
And even though I seem to have babbled on a bit here, where I was going is that last night I started worrying that maybe I'm not producing enough milk, that even if I WANTED to pump a ton (I've only been pumping little bits right now) to supplement these crazy nights, maybe I couldn't? And fine, I haven't TRIED pumping a ton, but I know right now that when I DO pump, I don't get very much. I also know right now that I have a kid who sometimes tries to eat for way way WAY longer than he's supposed to. And while there's all sorts of information out there saying how it's normal not to get very much milk when first pumping, and being fussy at the boob is a sign of hunger, none of that information talks about how that will make you FEEL.
None of that information talks about how you'll start feeling GUILTY for those glasses of wine or cider you had, and how they probably aren't helping in the milk production department even though they really DID make Christmas a whole lot more enjoyable. None of that information talks about how you'll start WORRYING that you're going to use up all your stored milk too quickly, thereby having a screaming, starving child who you can't help. None of that information talks about how pumping actually kinda SUCKS, because not only does the pump make sounds that really make you feel like a COW being milked, but it measures EXACTLY how much milk you give each time. And none of that information talks about how those MEASUREMENTS can make you feel like YOU suck, and your poor kid will suffer BECAUSE you suck.
Thursday, 31 December, 2009
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24 comments:
First off you don't suck - you've got to kick that thinking to the curb pronto. Secondly - if it helps as of about 1 month Little Miss fed pretty much non-stop from 6pm until 11pm - and then every two hours after that. I think its just something that happens - they're suddenly starving. For the first little while it was hard because she'd drain one breast and then the other but when I put her back on boob 1 it hadn't had time to fill back up again. The midwife said that there is more milk there than I could tell and as it was the fattier hindmilk she needed less so just let her keep suckling away. So I did and my body upped my milk production in a couple of days. I also found some "milkmaid" tea (google it cuz I'm out and can't remember what it had in it) which may have helped too.
You can always supplement formula too (I know you don't want to so hence my other suggestions first) - you need to do what you need to do for your boy.
Have you tried visiting the breastfeeding clinic at Womens? They're supposed to be amazing with help, tips, etc.
Hang in there honey - you're doing a great job with this incredibly hard job.
Man, I wish that we had our babes at the same time b/c I had so many of the same feelings you are having & it wouldn't been helpful to have someone who could relate.
That being said...I found that as far as B eating, I fed him every 2 1/2-3hrs on a consistent basis. That way, my milk came in very well. I also let him eat til he pulled away himself...OR until it was to the point of being annoying at him just suckling. I also would give him a paci if it wasn't quite time for him b/c I found that sometimes he just needed to suckle & soothe. Granted, it took about 3-4 different types of pacifiers to see which one he preferred. Eventually, he got into more of a groove.
As far as pumping...I always tried to pump after B had nursed, & would only get MAYBE an oz. Then, after talking to my sister, I decided to wait an hour after he nursed (once he got to eating every 3-4hrs, I'd wait about 2hrs) & then pump. I would get about 2 oz. At 1mth, they're only eating about 3oz anyway, so it's not that far off. I also try to drink tons and tons of water. I tried giving B about an oz of room temperature water in a bottle as well when he just needed to suckle & sometimes it helped, other times it didn't.
I found that when/if I'm upset or stressed when I pump, I wouldn't get much at all. But, when I could sit, relax, think about B, etc., I produced more. I HATED the pump...& that's not even a good way to describe the immense negative feeling I had towards it. I felt like I should be "mooing" loudly & I wondered how I would ever keep it up. But, after about a month of doing it consistently (not here & there, but at least 3 times a day), I got quicker at releasing the milk & it got easier to deal with. Plus, as much as it made me feel even MORE like a cow, I found that if I could massage "the girls" a bit, I could get a tad more out (sometimes, if I'm really full--rarely--I can feel the duct and if you push it a little you can get it to release).
You're not a failure, you're just learning. If you need help, just ask. You're doing great. Don't give up.
As someone who nursed and pumped exclusively for 14 months I can tell you that your supply is always going to fluctuate and the amount he wants is always going to fluctuate. The minute you start producing tons he'll only want a little. As he grows he will become more efficient, so he is likely in the process of learning that and your body just needs time to catch up. Lemy was the EXACT same way. Here's what I did (sometimes all at once, sometimes spaced out over the 14 months):
1. Chill out. Your supply will fluctuate. It's normal, so don't freak out or get upset just yet.
2. EAT. A lot of my issues early on were bc I wasn't eating enough, especially fat. I increased my whole grain and protien intake and increased my healthy fats (olive oil, etc). I also became a big fan of egg salad and peanut butter. Surprisingly, when I did this I lost my last bit of weight and my supply went up substancially.
3. Oatmeal. I ate it daily. Don't go crazy with it, just find a way that you like it and eat it.
4. Fenugreek. Once Lemy hit 6 months I started this to keep things going. Worker like a charm and I only took a third of what they recommend (2-3 caps instead of 4-6).
5. Water. Lots of water but you must be eating substantial food on small amounts frequently throughout the day.
I realize you probably don't want unsolicited assvice, but I know how you're feeling and you will get through this patch. I promise. ((hugs))
Ooh...one more:
If you want, you can try pumping after every nursing session throughout the day, which can kickstart your supply for nighttime. You wont need to do this forever, just when you have a dip.
Isn't he going through his 4 week growth spurt right about now, or heading towards his 6 week growth spurt? That would have him nursing all the time to stimulate your supply. If you're worried about your supply, talk to a lactation consultant. It IS really hard having everything on you with breast feeding - I know how you feel. Don't be too hard on yourself though. It sounds like you're doing a great job.
Babyless and assviceless I appreciate your honesty.
If you are feel the stress get you arse to a lactation person, and at least they can give you some peace of mind, check out the latch, tell you all is okay, okay?
AND breathe.
Milk supply IS lower for women at night. Have you tried pumping in the morning? Although pumping does make one feel like a cow (I hated pumping) it will help to increase your supply the more you pump. You will have more milk in the morning and you will increase your supply if you pump more. (The SOOOUUUND that pump made! Yeesh! Double U! Double U! Double U! It still rings in my mind even though I stopped breastfeeding at 4.5 months!)
THey do go through growth spurts what seems like every other week at that age. They eat more during those times. And they tend to cluster feed at night until they are a couple months old.
Remember that your supply hasn't regulated yet either. I think that happens around 8 weeks?
Just keep feeding, and pumping, and feeding, and pumping. (I felt like a cow). Your supply should increase.
My favourite line? This too shall pass.
Oh, and my supply started sucking at 4 months. She went on strike. Did not want boob. I kept trying. And trying. She would scream if I gave her the boob and refused to eat. My supply started dropping, and it was a drastic chain of events. After 3 weeks of forcing her to eat, her screaming, Dr. telling me she was under the 10th percentile for height/weight and wanting me to supplament, I gave up breastfeeding. I felt like shite. I'm sure OTHERS would have perserviered, however I was not one of those. I gave up. Quit. Especially how I saw how WELL she did on formula compared to my boob milk. Digestion was better (she pood once-twice per day instead of once every 2-3 days), sleep was better, she was less fussy, more happy, on and on.
Oh the guilt I had. But baby decided for me what she wanted, and there was no looking back. TO be honest, I feel SO much better now that I know her food meets her needs.
So I hear ya on the guilt.
Many of my friends who were able to bf had similar problems. It does get better. I bet you're going to get a lot of sound advice, so I won't harp on about growth spurts, frequent feeds, pumping and galactagogues (proper ones, like domperidone).
Personally, I was never even able to partially bf, and it seemed like a failure to go entirely to formula. You'd probably just only be using a little bit, you know. It's not so evil
xx
g
Just put my little constant boob sucker down to type this. I'm dealing with EXACTLY the same thing. Many moms are telling me how common it is. I've started supplementing a little at night. Usually after several hours of boob sucking, 2oz of formula fills her belly and she goes to sleep.
Hang in there. You're doing great!
Maybe this is the point where instead of going ditto, I pat your shoulder and tell you it'll get better. We did/do the same thing, but usually start at around 8ish and run to midnight. All the comments about food and drink are good, and make sure you get enough rest -- seriously, being sleep deprived will hurt your supply.
YOu'll hear it a million times, but you will never pump as much as he is able to get out himself. Also, if you pump after he eats, it won't look like much since he's already taken his fill. I started taking fenugreek to up my supply when I pump (I go back to work in 3 weeks, wahh!) and I've noticed my boy is happier on the boob as well. I think mine just likes the fast flow at letdown and then suckles for comfort. He'll suck while he's asleep at the boob if I let him.
Just remember that as long as you let him suck, your supply will keep coming up to meet his demand. It'll suck in the short term, but it DOES get better.
Oh goodness. I feel your pain. I and appreciate your honesty. Why is it so hard for people to admit that breatfeeding is HARD? I'm not sure how often you read my blog or when you started dropping by, so I don't know how aware you are of the challenges we went though. My son was born in April, and we struggled with breastfeeding from the start, eventually giving up... in stages. If you read some of my entries from April and the months following, you'll feel some companionship, I'm sure. All I'll suggest at this point is that you consider seeing a lactation consultant. However, often you have to go in for an appointment (at least in the States you do), and if the baby's not hungry at the time, well, it's a little pointless. I'm told that some postpartum doulas are excellent at providing in-home help with breastfeeding, so that could be a better option-- that's what I hope to do for any other babies I'm fortunate enough to produce. No matter what you do, just think about the big picture and do what you need to do. Best of luck keeping those guilty feelings at bay. It's so hard. I so feel for you right now.
Between 10p and 2a? Oh how that sucks. My girl was religiously starving between 1p and 5p. It's a lot easier to deal with when you're not in need-to-sleep mode. We supplemented with formula and her bottle of formula was always in the late afternoon. We survived the entire year on free samples of formula!
You're doing fine, keep up the good work. And the hardest part about it is that you do get to punish yourself, because it is all you. You're the one who knows when he's done, you're the one who's making the food. There are so many ways to beat yourself up over this issue. The thing is, you're still on the learning curve, so cut yourself a break. Because just when you get the hang of it, his eating habits will change. There's no way to keep up.
Good luck - you'll be OK and so will he.
We had issues early on (first week and a half home) and my little guy actually lost an ounce from when he left the hospital to the two week mark. We had a poor latch and jaundice issues (and subsequent formula supplement from the hospital) that contributed to our problems. That week plus of little stimulation did a number on my supply, but we got it all turned around (took about a month for us) and are 100% breastfeeding now (no supplementation) and he's gaining like a champ.
If you feel like this is ongoing beyond a weeks time and if you're able to check his weight and he's not gaining about an ounce daily, I would meet with a lactation consultant. Mine was a tremendous help. Make sure to schedule it around a feeding so she can see your latch and possibly do a before and after weight so you can get a ballpark of what he is taking in during his feeds. From there she can recommend a pump schedule to help boost your supply as well as guide you with supplementing. We didn't have to use much formula for very long (maybe for a week and a half and very little per day). The bottom line is that you need to do whatever you can to make sure he is fed and satisfied. I would ask about proper supplementing only because you don't want to give him so much that he's not stimulating your supply well anymore. It is definitely a delicate balance.
But I agree that the more he nurses, the more your body will respond. And if you throw in a pumping session after each feeding, that will help too. And like what has been said previously, drink tons of water, oatmeal and good fats are a must, try to rest when you can, and Mother's Milk tea or Fenugreek can add an extra boost. I definitely would not give him any water, though, at this point, as all of the baby books say that they should not have water until they are on solids. If a pacifier won't calm him down he needs more milk, be it breast milk or formula.
Good luck and don't worry- you will make the best decisions for him!
Emily, that's it - non-stop from 6pm til 11, then 2hr intervals after.
Courtney, the tip re pumping AFTER is something I'm gonna try.
Roadblocks, I'd heard re fenugreek but not oatmeal. Off to look that up!
Sue, he's 5 weeks so yea, right into a growth spurt or "wonder week".
Emily, yea, I pump in the morning.
Dora, I'm trying to supplement with my milk for now, but if I have to, I'll do formula. It's been a thought for just at night.
Kathleen, I've been reading periodically but I'm going to dig for your older ones cuz it DOES help to read others going through it too.
Sharah and Duck and Areyoukiddingme and Texas, just thanks. Really. For getting it.
You probably already got all the assvice to give but here goes. Sweetness did the SAME exact thing. I tried to force her to cluster feed earlier in the day. It took awhile but eventually she got it. I also started a paci at 4 weeks because she desparately needed to suck. Hope something here helps (oh yeah, oatmeal is great). I have no advice to help with the pressure and the guilt. I was horrible with that
The only way to know how much he dfinks from breast is pre and post feeding weighing. The pump truly gets a TON less than a baby can and freaks out mama'severy frickin time.
Also Guiness beer is fantastic for increasing supply. I cannot stand hops but it is great for milk. Also the oatmeal and and lactation teas are good. I also second eating. It can be so hard to remember to eat and drink when you have a newborn and it makes such a difference to milk supply. It gets easier and easier. For me by 3 months things were soooo much easier with bf'ing after then.
Good luck, you are doing a great job mama!!
First of all, you are doing GREAT, Momma!
I only managed to exclusively feed Miss O. for about 4 months. I was in NO way ready for the guilt that came with that. You've gotten a lot of great suggestions here, I hope that something will work for you!
In the end, I ended up supplementing with formula. When she was with me, she BF, when she wasn't she had a bottle. It was kinda of a happy medium and I managed to continue BF until 9 months.
((HUGS))
Oh do I ever feel your pain. I had my daughter on Dec. 7th, and despite an easy time breastfeeding, I hate it and I feel like she is never getting enough. I also hate being the only one who can feed her, the only one who can calm her, and the only one who answers to her every need. I second everyones feelings about pumping. It sucks. We supplement with formula when I am at my wits end. I find it more important to have a happy baby and mommy then an exclusively breastfed baby. Just know that there are many of us out there feeling the same way you do. I love reading and knowing that I am not alone, although I do feel bad for everyone who is going through or has gone through this.
We happened to have our babies on the same day, and I'm going through the exact same thing (only with twins!). I just wanted to de-lurk and say that it's been such a help reading your entries, because since our babies are the same age, I've been going through the same sort of thing. As I type now, it's 10pm, and both of them are still laying on me sleeping after starting feeding at 7pm for one and 6pm for the other. And both had some supplement of breastmilk somewhere in there too. Thank you for sharing all your struggles as it really does help to know someone is going through the same thing.
This is all sounds very familiar. JAG was never satisfied, especially at night, and she would drain my boobs dry and still be frantic for more. I beat myself up over having to supplement, but it never got me anywhere.
I tried drinking tons of fennugreek tea to up my supply, but it did not help.
I keep telling myself that the important thing is that she got breastmilk at all, and she did usually get mostly breastmilk. You do what you have to keep them happy and healthy.
I haven't had time to read all the comments, so maybe this has been said already, but I had a similar problem with my first but it wasn't with me it was with him. His mouth is slightly recessed, which we didn't notice until he had enough teeth to show it. So he would nurse for an hour and still be hungry and I couldn't figure out why. I felt bad and thought it was me or my body or my choices until those teeth showed me it wasn't just me.
I have no idea if this helps at all as it's really late and I don't know if I'm making any sense. I hope things go well for you. I know it's tough, but just keep listening to your heart.
I wish that I had known before the little one came how incredibly hard breastfeeding is... I knew lots about labor and delivery and eveyrone knows that is hard but worth it and you KNOW to line up lots of help and that it will kind of suck... but somehow about breastfeeding all you hear is the "breast is best" stuff that makes you feel guilty if you contemplate stopping/supplementing... not that it is super HARD and that you also need to line up lots of help for that and that you will have to tough it out just like labor...
Its freakin' tough. And you, my dear, are doing an ah-mazing job. No real assvice, since I had a tough go of it--but just wanted to leave you some love :)
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