My Safe Place

If you haven't read this, you're missing out. Seriously missing out. Kim's always been a great writer, and I lurk often, but it's probably her best post EVER, and one of THE best posts [of anyone's] I've read in months, maybe years. Go. Go now. READ.

Cuz the thing with that post, is it triggered in me a lot of how I feel about pregnancy AFTER infertility - a lot of what I knew I felt, but didn't really know how to put into words. Because how really, do you explain that your transition from infertility to pregnancy is easier in some places than it is in others? Particularly how do you explain it when you don't even totally get it yourself?

Because for 3 long years, the husband and I went through this... what I'd call "SHIT"... to get to this point. For 3 long years, we let our bodies, our motivations, and a lot of who we were as PEOPLE go, because infertility drained us in ways we didn't think us 2 super strong people could EVER be drained. So for 2 long years, I wrote a lot about that draining here on this blog - I put my craziness TOTALLY out there for whoever to see, and I used this space as my SAFE PLACE.

This blog was the place where I could be as crazy as I needed to be, where I could say the things no fertile would EVER understand, and regardless HOW crazy I was, or HOW far out there the things I said were, none of it mattered. Because the whole point was that putting it out there made ME feel better, and as a bonus, the infertiles reading actually UNDERSTOOD. So for those 2 long years writing about infertility, this blog was my safe place to be the person I couldn't be in the real world.

And for the last 9 months, this blog has been my safe place still - but to be the PREGNANT person I still can't totally be in the real world.

Because here, on this blog, I feel that people coming here know EXACTLY what they're getting into. They've either been following me through the "SHIT" (so know my history), or they've found me AFTER the "SHIT" (so don't care about my history), or they've read the profile or about info and know what they want to know. Regardless, I feel that here, on this blog, people KNOW what they're getting into, so can at least CHOOSE to get away from it. It's their CHOICE to read or not read all my "blah blah blah pregnant this" and "blah blah blah pregnant that". So it's safe for me to write about it all I want here.

In the real world though, most people don't have ANY of that knowledge. They don't know that I fucking EARNED this pregnancy. They don't know that I might be "one of them", and they don't know that I'm just one of the lucky ones who as Kim so brilliantly put it, was finally given MY "passport out of hell".

And where I'm going with this is that as someone who's pregnant AFTER infertility, I'm pretty sure I've disappointed a lot of people in real life. To be clear, I don't give a FLYING F* that I've disappointed ANYONE with it, because the ones I've disappointed are the ones who don't get it anyway, but I've definitely disappointed people. Because out in the real world, it's not safe, so I can't - no, WON'T - risk it.

Because when the obviously fertile girls would go on and on and on AND ON about how I must be sooooooo excited, I'd say "yes, and no", I'd say something about having a baby probably not being ALL sunshine and unicorns, and then I'd try to switch topics. And EVERY TIME, they'd just stare at me, confused.

And when the obviously fertile girls would try to change the topic BACK to babies, and all the GLORIOUS things THEIR babies had accomplished, they'd get even MORE confused when my eyes would glaze over, and I'd switch my attention to chat with the boys about the Canucks sucking ass the night before.

And when someone I didn't know was either fertile OR infertile would ask me questions about my pregnancy in front of other women [whose histories I didn't know], I'd always give them some little tidbit to satiate them, but I'd also ALWAYS drop a comment that "we're just really happy with where we are because it took me a long time to even GET pregnant", or "we went through a lot to get here so we're not taking any of it for granted".

Because the thing for me in REAL life, is I cannot BEAR to be that pregnant bitch who is SOOO blissfully happy in her own little pregnant world that she forgets that it might not be so easy for others around her. I cannot bear to be that pregnant bitch who seemingly has NO IDEA how hard it is for some, or that it's actually even impossible for others, to get where I'm so very VERY lucky to be. I cannot bear to be that pregnant bitch who with my ignorant comments, sends an infertile to hide in the bathroom stall until she can pull herself together.

And if I still feel that way NINE MONTHS after receiving my passport, if I still out for coffee the other day with a co-worker I know is infertile only talk about my pregnancy when ASKED by her (and only in brief answers before switching topics again), I can't see years from now, NOT being exactly where Kim describes she still is now. I can't see even years from now, not being as blatant as I want to be with only those people whose situations I KNOW, and still treading cautiously with those whose I DON'T.

I kinda ignorantly thought a lot of that caution would fade when I got my passport, or would fade shortly AFTER getting my passport, but as Kim points out (or I think she points out if you read between the lines), while we might get PAST this infertility shit when handed our passports, that doesn't mean we ever FORGET just how horrible it was.