Suffering and recovering from this cold in the last week has fortunately and unfortunately, forced me to slow down a little. And while taking some time to rest, to get more sleep, and to stop running around like a lunatic has probably been GOOD for me (I'm feeling much better), it's also been a little too MUCH time.
Because suddenly, with time on my hands, I've of course had time to THINK. And no, not about labor, because as I said previously - I'm just going to take that as it comes - but about what comes after labor. IMMEDIATELY AFTER. And I don't just mean a BABY, I mean a baby who's either healthy, or ISN'T. A baby who either passes all those little tests they give them, or DOESN'T. A baby who either is the baby we imagined, or ISN'T.
Because no matter how "politically incorrect" it might be to say that we don't want a baby with special needs, it's the truth. We don't. That's not to say we wouldn't love him regardless, it's just to say that if given a choice, our choice - selfishly - would be not. And while I can't automatically put my assumptions and wants and needs onto every OTHER parent-to-be, I'd hazard a guess that a lot of parents-to-be feel this way. Because really, when we all got INTO this "having a baby" thing, that ending is probably not the ending most of us attached to the story.
And that's not to say we won't be happy with whatever ending we get - as long as he's HEALTHY, and ALIVE, we will cope with whatever else we're faced with and be happy regardless, because that's who we are. We're people who focus on the positive, we're people who FIND the positive in situations that aren't exactly as we wanted, and we adjust. But being totally honest? Sometimes finding that TOTAL positive (ie. ecstatic over just happy) takes a little time. It might be an adjustment.
And while I'd like to THINK we're better people than that, and that the husband and I would just be automatically THRILLED no matter what, just knowing that it IS something that worries me, and that it IS something that scares us both, I can't say for sure that we WOULD automatically be thrilled. I can't say that we WOULDN'T need some time to adjust.
And I know this is probably a horribly selfish thing to worry about, because first, our odds came back at the LOWEST of lows, and second, on the scale of things that could happen after labor, this one really WOULD be minor - but it's there for me right now. It's in my head. Which means it's also in the HUSBAND'S head because I of course, have been talking to him about it. Because for me, the best way to deal with anything UNKNOWN, or anything I think I might not deal with well, is to talk it out.
And it's not like this is ALL-CONSUMING, or even something I worry about that OFTEN, but it IS something that's come up lately - something that hadn't really come up AT ALL since the initial screening. But there is definitely something to being 38-39 weeks that has kicked me in the ass that this REAL LIVE KID THING is all actually REAL, that this REAL LIVE KID THING is all GOING to happen, and that all those things we tested for and had low odds for, are now very much a possibility again. And not because of anything I've felt or anything I know or anything AT ALL really, but just because when you're sitting around thinking that this REAL LIVE KID THING is actually GOING to happen, and you let yourself get all CAUGHT UP in the excitement over all the fun new things we're going to get to EXPERIENCE and SEE and DO... well, once in awhile you also get kicked in the ass about all the new SCARY possibilities too. You can't help but start thinking about all the NEW things we'll get to worry about for the next 18+ years now that the PREGNANT worries are mostly done.
Friday, November 6, 2009
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17 comments:
Yeah, I doubt there are any parents out there who say "I hope my child will have special needs." That is a reasonable fear.
Unreasonable fears come after the baby is here...
I'll be hoping that everything will be just fine for you.
I definitely understand!
such normal worries for any pregnant woman, and unfortunately they just turn into new worries once he's here.
on an exercise-related note: I thought of you when I opened my email this morning to read about a recent study showing that exercise during pregnancy decreased the risk of high birth weight infant by 25%. So, way to go you with continuing to exercise as much as you can--I'm still so impressed that you've kept up.
Those worries sound perfectly normal and honest. And if we’re being honest at the end when I had too much time on my hands, or was not using the time I had wisely, I started to worry about having an ugly kid, how’s that for selfish.
I totally started to have the dreaded "what if?????" thoughts in the last weeks. They were soon replaced with GET HIM OUT thoughts. It's an effing roller coaster.
sooo excited for you guys!
You are honest with the feelings I tried not to face.
Que sera, sera, eh? May it be all that you want it to be.
I don't normally comment (I'm a lurker) but felt compelled to this time. I am a mother of a special-needs child, and I'm going to let you in a dirty little secret. No one wants a child with special needs. When I was pregnant, I didn't say "Oh, I hope my child is mentally retarded." (he's actually not retarded just an example.)
Anyway, I hear all day long people say "I couldn't do what you do" and it makes me feel worse. The fact is, no matter what happens after the birth of your child, you'll raise up and meet whatever challenge that faces you because you're going to a mom. That's what moms do, and you'll be fine no matter what happens.
One of my best friend has twins who are autistic. She loves her kids to death and would do anything for them. And if you asked her if she could go back and make them UN-autistic? You betcha. She is a fabulous loving parent but she also says that it wasn't what she had signed up for. That doesn't mean she isn't happy with her kids, it's just not what she had planned on, and it is a difficult path. I think those feelings are very human.
I echo what some of the others have said. It's completely common at this stage to consider the "what-ifs" in relation to when he is outside vs. inside the womb. I think the issue is, though, that all will not be known at birth and can crop up later and you just have to have faith and believe that you will rise up and meet whatever challenge you might have.
One of my favorite quotes is by Elizabeth Stone, “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” It is truer than I imagined.
Oh honey, the worries are just beginning...but it is SO worth it.
One thing at a time!! Since you're not thinking much about labor and you're focusing on what comes when the baby arrives, for now, just set your expectations well for what the first six weeks will really be like. The best advice I heard a mother give her pregnant daughter is that she should plan on doing nothing other than breastfeeding and resting the first three months. The pregnant woman went on to become a remarkably well-adjusted new mom. Just breathe and think about what one of those early days with your little one might be like. Don't worry about the rest.
With adoption we had so many worries. It comes with the territory. In the end you never know what child you will get. But you WILL love him with all your heart. That is the truth.
With adoption we had so many worries. It comes with the territory. In the end you never know what child you will get. But you WILL love him with all your heart. That is the truth.
I think about this a lot, actually. I know that a huge part of being a parent is just doing what has to be done to love and care for your kid, no matter what - but I still end up hoping that my challenges are on the less overwhelming end of the spectrum.
I guess we just cross any of those bridges if we get to them, right?
PS - I can't believe you are ALMOST DONE!
This is definitely a scary point in pregnancy, but you have to trust that if something happens when he's born your hospital can handle it. When we had Lemy her Apgar was low (5) and they had to do it two more times to get her to a 9. It was terrifying. But she's fine, healthy, and so freakin' smart. By best assvice is to just take everything in stride and you'll both be fine. :)
Totally understandable. And not selfish at all.
Now that B is here with us, I get worried over all sorts of things to come...car wrecks, falls, etc., etc. The idea that something COULD happen...well, scares me to death.
Sarah, your comments are so brave, and I give you the utmost respect for actually putting them in writing. For me, admitting this worry was hard because I felt people might slap me on the wrist for it, so I can't imagine how hard it was for you, because as you said, it is a dirty little secret - not one I expected. Thank you for the reality of it.
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