Kicking & Screaming

One of the things I always told myself about this blog is that I'd never put "too much information" out there, because while yes, this blog is primarily an outlet for me, it's also out there for ANYONE to find. Which means there's certain phrases I was never going to use, and certain details I was never going to share. MOST of those phrases and details... well, they revolved around either protecting MYSELF if co-workers found it, protecting the husband if his FRIENDS or EMPLOYEES found it, or even protecting our kid one day if he OR his friends were to find it.

Today though, one of the phrases is coming out of the vault... but in vague ways... so I don't get found on Google searches for nasty things... But this IS pregnancy for f****s sake, and pregnancy IS weird, and I don't know how else to capture this without well... going "there". At least vaguely.

Last night, getting up to go grab something, some... errrr... "fluid" came out. And no, not enough to be the kind to horrify me in a grocery store as irrational thoughts sometimes lead me to believe it could, but enough to make me wonder WTF. So I went to the bathroom, I did a bunch of... errrr... "tests" on it [that if YOU'RE pregnant or have BEEN pregnant know what I'm talking about], and all was fine. What it was not however, was pee.

So with a whole lot of Googling, I learned that your water breaking doesn't necessarily have to be a massive FLOODING as one might suspect - it can be a trickle. And if it IS your water breaking, you should lay around for a half hour trying to... errrr... "uncork" yourself (cuz the kid's head serves as a "cork"), and see if any more builds up. If more builds up (and comes out), it probably IS your water breaking, but if more doesn't, then Google doesn't seem to have any instant answers. Whatever.

I ran the test, FAILED the test, and believed that well, pregnancy's just f*g weird so I'd write this off as yet one MORE weird thing. Whatever. But then in the night I got extra crampy - to the point that I thought they MAY have been contractions, but if anything, they were just more Braxton Hicks. But they were more uncomfortable and regular than I'd had before, so were enough to make me wanna stay near my house, but not enough to really make me think IT'S ON BABY(!).

But then this morning, I had me yet ANOTHER... errrr... "trickle". And the thing with this stuff is that when you've NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, you have no clue WTF IS WHAT. And Google doesn't REALLY tell you what is what. And asking anyone who's gone before you, well they don't really know what is what either. Because everybody is so damned different. But the problem is the husband keeps making jokes about me "being SO DAMN STUBBORN about not rushing into the hospital that I drop the baby at Safeway cuz I refused to believe I was in labor", that he's gotten it in my head that I should at least CHECK on these things.

So I did. But instead of calling the HOSPITAL, and instead of calling my doctor's EMERGENCY line, I just called the regular old doctor's office. I explained what was going on, saying it MIGHT be a slow amniotic leak, but that TO ME, it was slow enough that it could wait for my appointment Wednesday... right? WRONG. Unfortunately they told me to pack up and go to the hospital, cuz yes, if it's amniotic fluid, you must get it checked.

The problem though, was in my gut, I KNEW this wasn't "it". I knew this wasn't "time". I knew this was most likely to be just a big waste of everybody's effort. Yes, there was the odd chance that this WAS "it", and it WAS "time", and it would be very VERY good that I went in, but I just didn't know that I believed it yet. And not cuz I'm in denial, but cuz I figure you just KNOW when it's all that? Don't you?

Anyway, so of course I called the husband, and of course he came and got me, and of course we went to the hospital. But I kicked and screamed the ENTIRE way there. And the entire TIME there, with EVERY nurse and EVERY doctor, I made jokes. ENDLESS jokes. Unfortunately I can't remember all the details about just how damned funny I really was, because I was just so damned funny the WHOLE time that it's hard to keep track of all the charm that was oozing out of me, but I CAN say (and the husband can attest), that they all laughed... a LOT. Because if I'm going to be there on a false alarm, the LEAST I can do is be entertaining.

And for the husband, well he entertained in his OWN geeky way. Of particular interest for him was having me COUGH or do CRUNCHES, to see if we could make the contractions' monitor read anything more interesting than the tiny little bumps it was showing. Which, by the way, it did! Coughing creates contractions! Fake teeny little ones, but better ones than crunches... in case you're interested.

So getting to the point here, cuz there IS an actual point here eventually, they did an internal exam, and apparently I'm ALL CLOSED UP and not ready to go - JUST AS I SUSPECTED. Which by the way, matches EXACTLY with the husband's and my suspicions that this kid is not arriving until AT LEAST the end of this week, if not later. What they DID learn however, is that I do NOT have a slow amniotic leak, NOR was I just accidentally peeing.

Because as it turns out, um... errrr... other "things" in girls can change their... errrr... "consistency". So what you'd normally NOT have run down your leg, can very late in pregnancy, now do exactly that - change consistency. Change to the point that you'd never EVER suspect it was what it was, because first, who the f*** would think it would change so drastically it could RUN DOWN YOUR LEG, and two, NOBODY f*g prints that in their damned books! Or even on Dr. Google!

Either way, all is well, and we carry on with our waiting. Which apparently the husband and I are the only two people we KNOW who seem to be fine with doing, but waiting none-the-less. In MY ideal world though? We'll get to wait more at HOME, and have no more of these false alarms. In the husband's ideal world, we'll ALSO get to wait at home, but he'll get to sleep rest assured I've been checked out, and WON'T accidentally, "drop the baby at Safeway".