This whole NOT working thing has been REALLY getting to me this week. Like to the point of me getting all teary and emotional with the husband when he was leaving me home alone one morning, because HE had to go to work, and I of course didn't. Like to the point of me getting all EXCITED when a guy on my project team emailed me looking for help on something that he really didn't feel he could AVOID bothering me with, and all I kept saying back was BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER me(!)... because it made me use my BRAIN. Because it made me feel USEFUL.
And I know, things will be different once Tiny B's here, because I'll probably be so tired my brain won't be of any use ANYWAY, but being off BEFORE he arrives? Well it's hard. It's surprisingly hard. Because while I knew I'd miss the PEOPLE, I didn't know I'd miss the actual WORK. I thought I MIGHT miss the work, but you never know until you're IN IT how things will really go down. But with how they've gone down, it's been an adjustment. And a bigger one than I expected.
There's the GOOD in that I had so much to clean up and re-organize from the renos (ie. all our bathroom stuff was in our bedrooms), that having this time off is saving my ASS from weekend hell.
There's the GOOD in that we still had a fair amount of stuff to buy for Tiny B, and without days and days and DAYS of time to do that, I don't know how I'd have managed. Or have had time to find the deals I'm finding as I comparison shop.
And there's the GOOD in that holy freakin' hell do I get tired and uncomfortable FAST now, so having a full day set aside to clean out a closet, wipe off all the sanding dust from EVERY coat and EVERY pair of shoes we own, and wash the floor in said closet - well... while a full day sounds insane to me, it's what it took, because I had to freakin' REST a couple times before I could finish!
The bad though, on the scale of bad, isn't BAD, it's just kinda sad. It's me feeling a bit sorry for myself. It's knowing that someone else has taken over your job, stepped in, and for the most part is doing SO WELL that your team doesn't need you anymore. It's knowing that other people have a PURPOSE to their day, a reason to get up and get showered and get their shit together, while my purpose is to tick things like "wash and dust shoe/clothes closet" and "get groceries for making/freezing turkey burgers".
It's sorta like everything I knew COULD bother me, IS bothering me. And that's not to say I set myself up for this, because I didn't - I knew it'd be WEIRD and I knew it'd be an ADJUSTMENT, but with being as anal as I am, with being the project manager I am both at work and in life, I thought ticking stuff off that massive to-do list would give me a sense of self that was pretty close to the one I had at work. I thought that regardless WHAT I was ticking off that list, I'd be SOOOOOO happy to tick SOOOOOOO much stuff off the list, that I'd feel awesome. I'd feel like I was kicking butt. I'd feel like I was RUNNING THIS SHIT - BOOYAH!
Yet instead, it just feels like I'm ticking off this stuff that's so BORING. It feels like when I tell my husband about my day, it must take EVERYTHING in him to pay attention because really? How interesting is washing and dusting the shoe/clothes closet? Even when I DID make the space more efficient by putting summer stuff at the back and winter stuff at the front, and I DID somehow work some magic allowing for more storage of even MORE shoes.
And while the husband is very VERY good about feigning interest in my daily activities, and is very VERY good about thanking me for all the shit I've been doing (ie. to recognize it IS needed even if it IS boring), two weeks in I'm struggling with who it is I've become, and who it is I WILL become. Because who I am is a Project Manager, and a damned good one. But who I'm becoming, at least for the next year if I take the whole thing off, well... we'll see...
Saturday, 24 October, 2009
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15 comments:
You're in purgatory right now - remember that. You're no longer that high functioning power player but you're not yet that nurturing mother. Its not that they need to be totally separate but at the same time its hard knowing everything is about to change but not knowing how you will be changed.
Hang in there - when Tiny B arrives the time will fly by! xoxo
When I left my job to have my first son, it was weird. I left what I knew and the system in which I operated very well (and was happy) to jump off into a completely new paradigm.
You are in limbo right now...but hang in there. Soon it will be defined by Tiny B and motherhood. All of the pieces will fall into place.
Are you looking at it like it's the end? Maybe if you view it as sort of an extended vacation, you'll adjust better. They might be able to survive without you at work, but they will not flourish! You've only been out a short while and they're already calling you. Soon, you'll be too busy to care, but right now, stop looking at this as a stop in your career. It's just a break.
Being in between is tough!
Tiny B will be here soon, and that doesn't mean you won't miss working anymore, but you can focus all your energy on him!
I hear ya! I'm right there with you. I putz around the house all day and get things done, but at the end of the day feel like I'm just dilly-dallying around and waiting for 1) my husband to come home and 2) this baby to show up.
That's kind of how I feel about summer vacation. The first week or so, I'm decompressing from the stress of the end of the year. And then I get bored, even with the projects and stuff I have going on. I miss the structure and the purpose in working. Yet I feel a little guilty for admitting that!
Hang in there!
I imagine that the waiting for the babies to pop bit can be REALLY hard (or from the blogs I read it sounds like women find it hard) - he'll be here soon!
Waiting sucks...it did during treatments and it does now too. Once that miracle is in your arms...time will move at warp speed.
Nesting?
It's an adjustment no matter what. But don't forget, you're growing a human being inside you! Regardless of how useless you feel right now, you're doing something amazing.
I'm still at work. And I am so exhausted and zombie-like that it is really, really hard to get things done. That is hitting me in the ego in a way that is somewhat similar (I think) to what you are talking about. For example yesterday (Saturday) I had to go in in the afternoon for a meeting. I had half an hour of working on the baby to do list in the morning. Then I had to lie on the sofa and rest until just before the meeting just to have enough energy to go. After sitting passively in the meeting for 2 hours, I was zonked and had to go home and rest again.
I am trying to remind myself that one thing that little ones do is make you shift from high-performance doing to focusing on the being and the here-and-now. That is very difficult for me as I am (normally) an enthusiastic doer and make-things-happen-er. Your post suggests to me that you have to make that painful shift whether or not you are still working... so maybe that is some small form of solace? Or maybe not.
As much as I wanted to be home and I'm happy I'm home, I still struggled with not working. I made huge projects for myself so I'd have something to talk about when Josh got home.
I remember once being at a friend's house before we had kids and she kept begging me to read Utne Reader with her. To start our own Utne Reader discussion group. I didn't totally get it. Then I stopped working and realized how much I missed that side of life too.
I think you'll find your happy medium--where you find something that fulfills the mental side you need and the being home side you want.
Isnt' it crazy that you actually miss the work? Theres a major question in life that you now have answered. When Min Man came home, it was a difficult adjustment. But, everything worked out and feeling fulfilled both as a person and as a mother put me back in balance.
Agreeing with Emily - I think the "purgatory" analogy is a good one. You're in that weird in-between identities stage. But yeah - little one will be here soon and then I think the world -and your role in it - will become more clear to you.
Of course you feel like this! You've just been sucked out of one life, are about to be thrust into another, and you are currently in a limbo. This transition period has got to be hard. Hang in there!
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