After the oh-so-lovely, "How are you feeling?" question, the question I get asked the second-most now is, "Are you getting nervous?". Sure, I'm getting nervous about having a BABY, but nervous about the PROCESS that is having a baby? Honestly, not really? And the hard part of the question isn't that I get asked it ALL THE TIME, the hard part is that nobody seems to BELIEVE my answer. They all give me that look like I'm outright LYING, or I'm in complete DENIAL, and BOY WILL I SEE what there is to be nervous about!
And sure, I probably am in SOME form of denial, because I really don't think much about the whole labor process other than hoping it goes well and I get a healthy kid with all the right parts out of it, but REALLY stopping to ask myself if I'm nervous - REALLY pushing myself to dig deep... well, I'm not nervous? Maybe that means there's something WRONG with me, but for me it comes down to a whole lot of "stuff".
First, I've never done this before so really, I have no clue what I'm getting into. I could prepare myself all I want, or I could convince myself I'm the toughest bitch to walk the planet [all I want], but really? I ain't got no CLUE how good or bad this is going to be, so it's hard to get nervous about something I don't really understand.
Second, I'm someone who really REALLY tries [when she's in the right state of mind, which she wasn't during the infertility years] to only worry about what I can control. And if I've learned ANYTHING from the infertility years, or from the few people I've LET tell me ANYTHING about THEIR labors, it's that most of this is going to be beyond my control. And what I mean by that is sure, I can do a lot of things to push myself through, to mentally steel myself, to have a good support system, but labor is going to go how it's going to go, and I personally, can NOT stop that. My body is going to do what it's meant to do, and it'll either do it well, or it won't do it well, but I'll have a lot of smart people around me who DO know the labor process, so worrying about every single thing that could happen? Why would I do that? Particularly when it's going to happen whether I worry or not?
Third, and on a similar tangent to BOTH the points above, I understand that this is going to be a level of pain I won't EVER comprehend until I'm in it. That is the one truth I DO believe when people try to tell me horror stories and MAKE me the nervous being they SOOOOO want me to be - I believe that labor is something I'll never understand until I'm in it. So again, why worry about something I don't get? Why worry about something that's going to happen regardless how much I worry? I knew getting INTO this whole "having a baby" thing that there was probably only one way out for this kid, and it's not like I didn't know that that one way out wasn't going to be the most COMFORTABLE experience for me. So why waste a whole lotta energy worrying now, when it won't do me an ounce of good?
And last but not least, to be a little ignorant, I like to believe I'm pretty mentally tough. That doesn't mean I believe this will be easy in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM - I really don't. It just means I believe that the pain will be only one part of this, but MANAGING how *I* deal with that pain, and the length of time that pain goes on (and on and on and ON) - that will be a whole 'nother aspect to this. And if other women are mentally tough enough to get through this, why can't I be? Hell, they're tough enough to go do it a second, third, and even FOURTH time? That's not disrespecting the magnitude of how bad this could be, it's just acknowledging that no matter how bad it IS, people DO do it again. Which means they get past it. Or over it. Or they at least find a way to deal with it enough to think it's worth doing again.
And yea, I'm pretty sure when I'm in the THROES of labor, it's THEN that I'll be nervous... as I start to grasp the magnitude of it all. But right now, it's such an unknown that no matter how many times I try to force myself to deal with what maybe SHOULD be nerves? They're just not there for LABOR.
They're there for this baby, for this THING, for this being who is going to be FULLY and COMPLETELY dependent on us. Cuz while that too is an unknown, it's not unknown the same way. Unlike labor, this baby being completely dependent on us - THAT is going to last a very very VERY long time. There's going to be all sorts of rewards along the way I know, and I can't WAIT for some of those rewards, but it's going to be a much longer road than labor. Which is part of why I think the BABY scares me a lot more than the damn LABOR.
Friday, October 30, 2009
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18 comments:
All I can say about labor is that it is what I imagine chronic pain to be like. Any pain I've had before has been momentary, and I can usually make it stop by moving or something. Labor is not like that. But, you can tough it out or get the drugs, so there's nothing really to be scared of there (barring complications, of course, but there's no sense in worrying about those until they actually happen).
The baby part is nerve-wracking, but you'll also survive that. I say, don't worry about anything. You can just take it as it comes, because you can't possibly prepare for every possibility.
You'll be fine!
Sometimes denial is a good thing. Why worry until you have to?
I think you have the right attitude. I only had two things on my "labor plan" sheet. 1- no pitocin 2- I didn't want an episiotomy unless they were sure I was going to rip.
Well, my water broke but I didn't ever go into labor so they HAD to give me pitocin. And, they had to suction Katherine (for reasons I won't go into here) out and in putting their attention on my baby they didn't realize I was going to rip and I did.
And, we all lived happily ever after. Going with the flow is the best attitude. If you have an option, great - but some things will be out of your control. I worried about those two things prior to labor and in the end it didn't matter, neither one was that big of a deal (well, I had drugs).
You being in great shape is going to help a HUGE heap too - it will make labor much better. You know how to breathe which will be a huge help. You can so do this!!!
I've lived with chronic pain for 16 years. The majority of that drug-free, mostly because until recently, there have been no effective drugs for it.
Laboring for 36 hours with maxed pitocin and no drugs for the majority of that felt no different to me that any of my usual flares, so much that I couldn't tell I was in labor at all or when I was having a contraction.
Living with and managing pain is all about mindset. For me, knowing I will have to live with this to my last breath means I have to go in with the mindset that there will be no rescue from it. I just buckle down and deal with it. I am neither for nor against pain relief in labor. To each their own. I will say that it is possible to have a drug-free labor, but you have to go in with the mindset that you will feel like poo for a couple days. If you're only prepared to deal with it a few hours, then it shall be so- unless the epi doesn't work, and it's a whole different ballgame.
Know, as well, that having pain-relief medications in the plan doesn't necessarily mean a totally pain-free labor, just a pain-managed one. A lot of OBs don't allow an epi until you've reached 4 cm, and IV drugs may reduce but not eliminate it entirely. And even with an epi, you may still feel like there's a bowling ball in your butt when the baby is crowning.
For me, the newborn period was way harder and way more painful than the labor.
Honesty, I had a similar attitude and I felt prepared enough for labor and actually had a decent labor and delivery. I think a lot does depend on your attitude going into it (and in full disclosure I did get an epi but they set it low enough so I could feel the contracts and knew to push). What I was not prepared for was post partum...
um, you must be slipping...you called it a 'baby'
I was in denial and people tried to get me all worked up. It was something I had never experienced and I didn’t feel there was any point to trying to imagine what it would be like since so many people said the pain was like no other. I just wanted to enjoy the end of my pregnancy without worrying about my labor. For ME I think that was the best way to deal with it. I didn’t acknowledge I was in labor till my contractions had been 2 min apart for 2 hours, I wasn’t willing t leave for the hospital for another 4 hours after that, and upon arriving to the hospital I was worried they were going to turn me away and tell me that was not labor. It wasn’t like anything I had ever experienced, , for ME it was not nearly as bad as many people described, but most importantly just like I thought I survived the pain.
The taking a baby home scared me so much more than labor. They can give you delicious drugs for labor pains. Nothing takes away the responsibility of raising that tiny creature that calls you mom.
People can be idiots sometimes. What's the point in trying to make you nervous? I have been lucky that people haven't told me very many horror stories (or asked me "are you nervous?" - maybe that is still in my future). But if they do I shut them down right away - "I don't need to hear that now."
I am not particularly nervous about labor. As difficult as it may be, it is a pretty constrained period of time. I am VERY nervous about the weeks (months?) of sleep deprivation that come after that. I do not deal well with sleep deprivation. But, like you said, lots of people go through it and survive, so I guess I will too.
I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Lemy. I approached labor with an open mind, acknowledging it was going to hurt and be rough, etc. And when I went into labor I just handled everything as it came and it was FINE. It hurt, and it was rough at points but it was a means to an end.
People try to scare you to make themselves feel better about their own experience. There us nothing to be afraid of. It is hard but it is also a beautiful time as you learn what you and your body are really capable of.
I think you're in a great place mentally in terms of labor and delivery. And I know you'll do beautifully! ((hugs))
I agree...denial is awesome! I had a very hard time wrapping my head around giving birth to not one, but two babies! One after the other!
But I know nothing of labour. I was too posh to push due to an unruly placenta. Why do I feel the need to qualify that?
I probably have shared with you how frightening the experience was, but when you have blood gushing out of your cha-cha, while at home alone, full term pregnant with massive babies, it's hard not be scared.
I disagree with one of the previous posters. I think women share their birth stories because they are life changing events, and it's not intended to scare pregnant women. It's because they can't stop talking about it. And ya, it hurts for most of us. Except for those women having orgasms during birth.
I have two great labor stories to tell with no horror or warnings attached. In fact, I had a single baby and then had twins and did not have any drugs for either.
Prior to delivery, my midwife said that the women who do the best in labor are the ones who are mentally retarded -- the reason is because they don't THNK about it and get all worked up over being nervous.
They just let their bodies do what our bodies are created to do -- give birth.
Lucky for us we have the medical technology to help us through it and we are surrounded with people who have gone through it several times.
Your attitude is just right -- know that you will handle each thing as it happens. And if you are like me, being in shape will really help you out in labor and in recovery.
And yes...women do it not just once, but several times, so it really can't be that terrible.
Taking the baby home was scary for me too, but again, if you take it one step at a time, you'll do GREAT!
I'm thinking of you and am very excited for you!
It is a miraculous, beautiful experience.
Ditto! People keep asking me the same thing: I'm honestly not...probably for the same reasons you said.
One person actually asked my mom if I am seriously this calm about giving birth. My response, the kid has got to come out, what's the point in making my self stressed?
I think we'll be fine. Just as we did what we had to to get pregnant, we'll do what we have to have these babies.
The long-distance runner mentality will help a TON. Use it! Labor is like a marathon.
And you'll be fine.
I could have written those words myself! I tried to tell people - labor is going to be a finite period of time. No matter how bad it is, it has an end.
Once the baby is born, it is FOREVER. Now THAT is scary.
Although, so far it hasn't been that bad . . .
A few days after Min Man came home and hubby went back to work and I was ALONE. I remember thinking, even after all I had been through to get to that point, what have I gotten myself into? That sood faded though as we got into a schedule and I got used to my life being different and BETTER.
I am so with you on this. I'm due a day or two after you and have been bombarded with the "are you nervous?" comments and my approach is almost identical to yours. Labor will proceed as it will proceed and there's no use working myself up over it now, but it's the parenting part, taking care of this helpless creature that I'm nervous about! And like you I don't want to underestimate the strength it takes to get through labor, but I feel like if so many others have endured it, I am equally as capable. In the end, I think our approach is protective and I'll take that!
I usually ask "Are you excited?" but maybe that's just as annoying! I can't imagine asking "Are you nervous?" since I want to be pregnant and I wouldn't want people to ask me that.
I love your attitude. I think you will do wonderfully!!
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