The other night, my Fit4Two instructor (and friend) Dee mentioned she'd read my blog, and how this time right now is probably really GOOD for me. That yea, I'm struggling with not working, and yea, I'm struggling with how freaking LONG it takes me to do things these days, but that once Tiny B arrives, it's going to get even worse. And I need to get used to that.
And she didn't mean it like having kids is a BAD thing, and she didn't mean it like having kids makes accomplishing things IMPOSSIBLE, she just meant that I'm a Project Manager through and through. It's not just something I DO, it's something I AM. And as such, I treat EVERYTHING like a project - EVERYTHING is a list of things to TICK OFF, in a PARTICULAR order, with SPECIFIC deadlines. And when ticking all these things off takes two, three, and FOUR times as long as they used to, and when ticking these things off in a DIFFERENT order than I'd planned, and when ticking these things off ALWAYS beyond the deadline... well, it all feels like I've accomplished diddly squat.
And that's not to say I don't get excited when I tick the BIG things off the list - like washing all the baby clothes, sheets, towels (tick! tick! tick!), or buying the stroller (tick!), or assembling the majority of the room (tick!) - it's just that for ME, it's an adjustment that it takes so freaking LONG to do it all now, and somehow, in this Project Manager's mind, taking LONGER feels LESS satisfying - even though it probably shouldn't. Yet the thing is, that's how EVERYTHING is going to stay... probably for many many MANY years - longer to do, so less satisfying.
Yes, I'm going to have this amazing little person to share all this with, and yes I'm going to have all these cool new EXPERIENCES - all of which I actually AM excited about, even if it doesn't SEEM like I'm excited about - but it's all going to be ADJUSTED. It's all going to happen DIFFERENTLY than I want, and a lot of it is going to happen in ways I just CAN'T plan for.
And it's not to say that that's either good OR bad, it's just that it's DIFFERENT. It's something I need to get USED to. It's something I need to LET GO of. Because really, none of it ACTUALLY matters. It just FEELS like it matters right now, because it's all I've got on my plate - my lists, with dates, and deadlines... and a whole LOT of time to kill ticking those things off, until there's something better to do:-)
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
I bet you'll look back on this time and everything you're feeling now, once your baby has arrived, and laugh. I did.
Now I just have to laugh, because your project management skills will either help you tremendously, or it will drive you completely crazy when you can't work out a schedule because the baby won't let you. I hope it's the former...
Thinking of you as I brace for my own series of adjustments. It is daunting, isn't it?
I think, if ever there was anyone to be able to roll with the punches, it will be you.
I can completely relate to this.
I thought once I started my maternity leave I’d accomplice all kinds of wifely and mommy-to-be stuff and it just didn’t happen. I didn’t think I’d want to be bothered with work questions but I LOVED it and still do.
I thought that when the baby came we’d get on a nice schedule and my house would be spotless, I’d have dinner ready every night, and all our personal business would be taken care of; after all they sleep like 18 hours a day, and since I was no longer working I’d have tons of time on my hands.
They do get on nice schedules, but then they change and you have to find your rhythm all over again. It drove me a little crazy at first but I have found no other alternative to rolling with it, so I do, and we’re happy.
I hear you - but the list changes. Today was a success because I managed to shower (at 4pm) and I left the house to post the birth announcements (10 weeks after she was born!) My lists aren't necessarily smaller but my expectation of how much I expect to get done in a day has!
your friend is wise. all those things you dont' get to? I had to think of it as an important lesson in parenting -- letting go...
Your friend Dee is indubitably wise.
Because yeah. When Tiny B is here? The days you shower are going to be a successful day. You can make your lists, but the rate at which you tick things off will most definitly slow down.
(Early on, anyway. Then Tiny B will turn into a toddler and you'll be amazed at the amount of stuff you can cram into a two hour nap.)
But I agree with Lavendar. If there's anyone who can roll with the punches? It's you.
xxx
Agreeing with RUKiddingMe - ha! Hopefully your project management nature will help you figure out a way to do it all, girlfriend!
You're right - it's not good or bad, it's just different. It took me about a week to really get past that weird panicky feeling I get when things aren't getting ~done~.
But we're all good now! It is a matter of getting used to a new routine. Of course, I still make the occassional list . . .
I am so with you on the challenge of it. It is a really hard adjustment for those of us who get pleasure out of writing and crossing off to-do lists... but hopefully good for our souls.
There is so very much to get use to but I know you'll kick ass at it.
I literally live my life by to-do lists (and I'm not a project manager, per se, though my work does involve a lot of management of different projects...). I am very nervous about not being able to control my own schedule & plan out my whole day---nay, week---in advance! I'm sure baby will NOT abide by my color-coded google calender. But in the long-run, I think the organizational skills will come in VERY handy in parenting & balancing work/home life.
Post a Comment