Last night, I went to my first prenatal aqua class, and while I have LOTS to say (all good) about that, and I came home SUPER excited about the actual CLASS, the only thing that got to me was me. And by me, I mean, my own "issues" - the kind I know everybody has, but the kind I haven't had in awhile. And while yes, I am well aware that I AM pregnant and AM supposed to be gaining weight, it's still hard to deal with sometimes... particularly when you know you just ran a half marathon 2 months ago in pretty good shape.
Or even 5 months ago, where has THAT shape gone? Because 5 months ago, I was in the best shape of my LIFE. My ass was small again (woot!), my thighs didn't rub (woohoo!), and even if I never DID get "runner's legs" (dammit!), I definitely had a runner's body everywhere else - and I LIKED the compliments I was getting for regaining it. And while I'm pretty freaking proud of the fact that at 21 and a half weeks I've only gained 8lbs - because I've worked my ASS off to only gain 8lbs - it's still hard when I get in a bathing suit and can see EXACTLY where that 8lbs has gone.
For the most part, yea, it's gone to my BELLY - which is awesome, and totally the way I wanted it to be... but some of it... it's gone to my THIGHS. And some other of it? Well it's gone to my ASS. And I don't know if this has REALLY happened or I just got all too far into my own head or something, but some of it may have even gone to my ARMS! And while none of it is terrible, and none of it is anything that's going to prevent me from going again and LOVING my class, I think getting in that bathing suit was that first REAL reality check that I no longer look the way I want to. And I no longer CONTROL looking the way I want to.
And while yea, I was well aware this day was COMING, it was still a bit of a kick to the ego to learn that at 5 months pregnant, even if you're STILL running AND going to a personal trainer AND going to a prenatal aqua class, that none of that REALLY matters for controlling how your body is going to change. Or at least, none of it matters for the TOTAL control the ego-maniac inside my head would LOVE to have.
Meaning sure, I'd LOVE to say I was still running 16km runs 3x a week, but the truth is, I'm not, and I couldn't do it even if I WANTED to. Instead I'm doing 5km runs 3x a week, going to a trainer, and doing prenatal aqua. For me, at 5 months pregnant, that's working pretty damn hard, and I'm pretty damn proud of it!
I'm still admittedly a little SURPRISED that all this effort isn't helping me WIN Ass Watch 2009, cuz it SEEMS like a fair amount of effort to me, but meh, I guess I'm gonna have to come to terms with surrendering a little. Surrendering to the fact that at 5 months pregnant, I'm only willing to do SO MUCH to win Ass Watch 2009, and while I'm definitely not willing to throw in the TOWEL, I'm also not willing to do much more than I already am. Which means accepting this body is gonna KEEP changing and KEEP giving me reality checks I'm periodically NOT going to like.
- chicklet
- The miscellaneous spurts and blurbs of a [formerly infertile] new mama, living by the beach, with a husband who makes her laugh almost every single day.
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15 comments:
I think you're doing great! I swear my belly, arms & thighs are the only parts to gain weight and every time I see my arms I think WTF? How are my ARMS pregnant (oh they used to be so cute and muscle-y!)
I wish I could tell you it gets easier but to be honest it hasn't. I miss my old body and have been working on coming to terms with myself that 25lbs at 35 weeks is ok - even with probably another 5 lbs to go - its completely average. (Its scary to me that that much is average but better than the 60lbs a lot of women I know have gained). Hang in there. I figure its better than the alternative - not gaining anything and not having a baby make it to term!
You are doing so well - hang in there!
I am beyond impressed with everything you are still doing.
Well. I think you are doing SUPER. I am one of 'those' who has gained 50 lbs... although my OB told me yesterday that she estimates I have 20 lbs of swelling on me that I will lose immediately. So I guess I technically gained 30 lbs. +++20 of STOOPID swelling. I HOPE you do not get any of that, I tell you it makes you feel like a blimp, literally, and no amount of water drinking will cure it.
So be happy with your 8 lbs, and be proud of that. You worked hard for it, and stop being so hard on yourself. :)
I think that you're doing fabulous.
In all honesty, you're going to get MUCH bigger. And a whole lot more uncomfortable with yourself. You may even get stretch marks, and if you have a C-Section - there's a very good chance that you'll never have a perfectly toned stomach again. Your breasts may get huge and then deflate, and you may switch running for sleeping at some point. It's all part of the sacrifice and it happens to all of us.
I'm not trying to burst your bubble.. but I just want you to be mentally prepared for change. I had a pretty good body before my children, and five years and two C-Sections later and it's a VERY different body. I'm even much smaller than I was before ever getting pregnant, and it's STILL a VERY different body that I'm in no way comfortable with. If I wondered what happened to it every day, I would never leave the house!
For the record, I still think you're a rock star.
I feel like I have been on ass watch my whole life. And the bigger my aunts' asses get, the more scared I get.
I really wanted to just get the 'belly' but it all went to my ass first. A co-worker told me once that it wasn't fat, it was nutritional stores for the baby. For some reason that made me feel better. I mean, if it's for the baby . . .
Of course, once the baby is out, the ass and I are going to war.
Perhaps you should redefine winning AssWatch 2009. Check out some of the other pregnant women (although, they do seem to disappear when you're actually pregnant) - some people REALLY lose on the ass issue. My SIL's ass is twice as big as it normally is (she's due in October). But, as JaimeD says, maternal reserves are necessary for the baby to grow properly.
Like Jackie, I don't want to be a downer, but your body will never be exactly the same as it was. Call it battle scars, or whatever you like, but the price you pay for going through pregnancy is a different body than you had before. It's not necessarily worse, but it is definitely different. The same thing happens with age. My assvice is: Try to fix your focus on health, because appearance rarely cooperates with your expectations.
Hey,
I think you need a little tiny bits of fat (ye know for after the birth when you have no time to sleep or eat and when you are suppose to be a big ol milk producing mother?).
It sounds like you're still doing a lot of great things! Baby is going to change some stuff, but I can see an Ass Watch 2010 award in your future :)
Oh, while I'm far behind you--I completely relate to you! I have done a pretty good job at winning the "age-you-won't-get-me-down" war and am now staring at my poochy stomach knowing that it's only going to get SO much worse.
You are doing a great job and just keeping in shape right now is fabulous. These habits are so healthy for you and for your baby.
It's hard to accept that our bodies are going to change and there's NOTHING we can do about it.
I feel for you.
I'm going to have to agree with Jackie on this one. The thing is (yes, assvice here, all the way) your baby needs you to gain weight and fat. He needs it to be there so he can suck it all off of you when you're breastfeeding later on. It takes more calories to breastfeed (500 extra/day) than to maintain a healthy pregnancy (300 extra/day). All my breastfeeding friends are hungry all the time!!
Some possibly reassuring stats for you: I started off probably a little underweight and so had more to gain. I gained between 35 and 40 pounds during my pregnancy (and I was strangely proud of every one of them since I knew they were nourishing my baby) and made a big, fat baby boy. Now, 3 months after delivering him, I'm only about 5 pounds away from where I started. And some of that is probably the bigger lactating boobs. BUT, my body IS different. I think that over time, it'll probably return almost to it's former shape, with some work that I'm not really up to yet. But, honestly, I'm not too worried about that right now. I need a little extra padding to breastfeed, and I want to have another baby in the next year or so, if I am able. So why bother getting back "in shape" if I'm going to have another pregnancy to maintain?
Anyway, about the different body-- I can fit back into some of my old pants, but not all of them. If they have no give at all, then they're not ever going to button again, I'm afraid. I can squish and shift the extra belly fat that remains, but some pants just won't close. I'm pretty sure my hip bones widened. And there's nothing I can do about that. And that's okay. I have a sweet baby boy instead of my slim hips. No comparison at all.
I bet everything you're doing now is ALSO preparing your body to return to "normal" after Tiny B has arrived.
I have always coveted "runners legs," but since having them actually required running, I will have to settle for "Ben & Jerry's legs."
Your regime is soooo much more impressive than my walking every day. As everyone else has said, you are super impressive in your resolve to stay fit. "Fit" just has have a slightly different definition when you are pregnant.
When I was pregnant, I remember looking at other women who were wearing belts and thinking, "How come THEY still have a waist and I don't. Will I EVER have a waist again?"
And I did get my waist back...and my arms...and my butt...and a baby! I was surprised at the miracle of how my body changed and how it changed back (almost completely).
And know...it is WELL worth it!
I hope you don't mind me saying this, Chicklet, but it really bothers me when you use the term "Ass Watch 2009." It sounds like success for you is defined as being able to keep control over something that is to a great extent not controllable and something which I, as a knocked-up person, don't want to be held accountable for. I agree that the massive changes that come over one's body when one is pregnant are scary as all get out but that isn't to say that you personally are a failure if it balloons more than you had hoped. It sounds like you kinda know this, but I wonder if that Ass Watch term reinforces it even while you are aware of it... I dunno, it creeps me out.
I have been exercising regularly ever since I arose from the depths of morning sickness. I would say about 1/10 of my motivation is "don't want to swell up like a giant balloon", and the rest is split pretty much evenly between (1) don't want to lose too much muscle tone/cardiovascular endurance while knocked up (2) want to give my body extra lovin' that it needs while it is doing the amazingly strenuous activity of gestating so I can maintain my energy and not be in too much discomfort and (3) scared poopless of what labor will be like if I am not physically up for it (the latter is a much more tangible motivation for me than probably it ought to be). I find for myself normally that while the body-shape-changing aspects of exercise are gratifying what I really love about it is the feeling of strength and energy I get from it. This sense of power is something I get to keep to a reasonable extent even while swelling to water balloony proportions. Maybe focusing on the amazing things your body is definitely doing rather than the scarey things it may or may not also be doing might help to turn the focus away from the ass.
Please ignore if this is hopelessly assvicey.
Nishkanu, the term "ass watch" isn't meant to say that my soul focus in life is having a small ass. It's meant to be a joke about how I personally would like to have a small ass but I'm watching it balloon out anyway.
I think every woman has issues with one part of her body, and this is the part I have issues with. It's not to say I'm not amazed by what my body is doing, or that I'm not coming to terms with how the control isn't mine anymore. It's just to say that I at least am keeping my sense of humor while struggling with the demons I personally think a lot of us have.
It's very hard to try to be fit and healthy and not see the usual "aesthetic" benefits too. I'm quite happy just to have the health benefits as those are my real goal for me and this kid, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I also don't want to balloon out.
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