To tell or not to tell. That really is the question.
Cuz while simple logic says I'm at that point where I CAN tell, infertile logic says I'm never at the point where I can tell. Because as soon as you TELL, then if something goes wrong, EVERYONE'S involved, and THAT'S the part that frightens me. Because if something WERE to go wrong, I'd want as few people in my business as possible. So if we keep it quiet... then it's safer.
Except that days like today, well I get all giddy, and excited, and I really REALLY want to tell. But then I think about that damn "98% of all miscarriages happen in the first 13 weeks" stat, and I think how I'm only in week 12, and I get all freaked out again that I really DON'T want to tell, and I think that my 14 week mark rule for telling makes TOTAL sense! Because when I tell, then it's EVERYONE'S business. Even if it shouldn't be, they'll MAKE it their business. It's human nature for them to make it their business.
So if I don't tell, or I wait to tell, then it's just OUR business, until it's safer. It's only us dealing with it... if the worst were to happen. And it's not that I actually think the worst will happen now - I'm getting more and more confident every day (which is a scary thing in itself) - it's just that it's still a possibility. It's ALWAYS a possibility.
When did you tell?
Thursday, 7 May, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
34 comments:
I told the entire internet (& my real life friends that read) the moment the test was +. After the unpregnancy I realized that I needed every ounce of support and so I just went forward with giant hope.
As for other real life people (friends of the family and even some family) I didn't tell until I was 24 weeks. But I was also putting it off as I knew some of the telling would have to come with a lot of explaining (as in how is it that a single gal is knocked up)
I think you will tell when the excitement boils up and over and whenever that is will be perfect. I continue to be be out of the world thrilled for you guys!
I never really did a big coming out party. Family and a few close friends that knew about our treatments and IF knew right away. Otherwise, around 11 weeks I just stopped lying when people asked me and gently requested that they respect my privacy. Of course, people that are nosy enough to ask if you're pregnant are typically not the best at respecting privacy but it worked out ok.
In retrospect, I wish I had made a bigger deal out of telling...the secret keeping was one more thing IF took away from me
I can never keep my mouth shut about that. Even though I have been burned 4 times, everytime I think I won't say anything until later and then I end up telling the next day.
I tried to wait until the 20 week scan - but didn't quite make it (not that it wasn't kind of obvious by that point). I didn't want to tell my coworkers, because they don't really give a crap about me. If something went wrong, I didn't want to deal with their fake sympathy.
We told our parents and siblings almost immediately (well at least the ones that knew about IF). After that we waited until 9 weeks to tell a select few, then more people at 14 weeks...I'm telling work tomorrow (bosses knew at 7 weeks) and I'll be 16 weeks saturday. I still don't want to tell anyone, even though it's getting harder and harder to hide.
We told our immediate family right after our 2nd beta. They were in the look since we did an IVF.
Shelby and I are literally days ahead of you, and after our 12 week ultrasound, we decided to openly spill the beans. We're happy we did. We are simply too excited to hold in the news any longer.
I do agree, it's real now and it makes is a little scarier being "out there" but it feels great and I'm going to enjoy it while I can.
Mr. Shelby
I told as soon as I had the viability u/s (10 weeks?). When I saw that little heartbeat I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer.
I think that I will tell the people whose support I'll need if something goes wrong very early. Our parents, grandparents, and one or two close friends. I can't imagine if I had a miscarriage and felt like I couldn't tell the people who love me the most.
I waited to tell most people until 13/14 weeks. I didn't tell the kids that I teach until I was almost 20 weeks. I just couldn't do it and then have something happen. Some people I didn't tell at all they just eventually figured it out. :)
We had intended on waiting until around 12-13 weeks. I was at the grocery store around week 6 one night and a friend of my husband's started saying things that made me think he might know. I went home and asked and sure enough he admitted to telling this one person. I knew if this guy knew others would find out and if others knew before our families and my best friend it would be very bad. So we started telling the next week when we had our 7 week ultrasound. As the pregnancy went on I found out he had told his whole work and at least 5 of his friends within days of us finding out. I think I waited until 14 weeks to tell work. I would have waited longer, but I had some events that were going to fall very close to my due date and needed to make plans for coverage.
I just read your tweets and am reminding you to breathe.
I don't think I would be able to not tell.
I told between 13 & 14 weeks, only because I was showing and it was getting obvious.
If you're not showing yet, hold off to 14, however I don't think there is too much of a diff between 12 & 14 weeks. :o)
You will ALWAYS feel the 'what if something goes wrong' thing. At least I do. At first it was the heartbeat to get past, then the FC graduation, then 13 weeks, then 18 weeks, then the 'big u/s', now it's T3. I think pg is just like that when you've been through infertility...
I have never been pregnant, but I'm still struggling with this for a few reasons. First, I told my friends about our last IUI since I had to leave in the middle of a girls weekend. Now they're clamoring for news, and I don't know what to do when I get my results this weekend, whichever way it goes. My mother is also super-nosy and intrusive, so I don't want to tell her until I am confident. But my husband will probably tell his parents immediately the first time we get a BFP (if it ever happens, of course, and despite the 9-hour time difference) and I'll feel bad leaving my family out. It's so complicated!
I told select few about the pregnancy when we first got a positive. I waited, though, until we *heard* a heartbeat at the OB's office, to tell most everyone else. So it ended up being around 12 weeks or so when we came out of the pregnancy closet. Which, frankly, freaked me the fuck out. I sorta felt like it was tempting fate - like acknowledging that I was pg out loud would jinx it or something.
So we didn't really make a big announcement about it either. A lot of people didn't even know we were pregnant until we sent the announcement when Baby O was born.
I think whenever your most comfortable is the right time to tell.
xxx
I would definitely tell at 12 weeks. I don't think I could wait longer than that!
We told almost everyone immediately. We wanted to wait and tell my mom and stepdaughters at 12 weeks because they would be hit the hardest if it didn't work out, but we told at 8 weeks, simply because it was Christmas and that just seemed perfect. I wish we had waited because three days later, everything fell apart.
We told our inner circle of friends and my sister at about 5 weeks and the rest of our immediate families at 7 weeks (right after our 1st ultrasound where we saw the heartbeat). We told the rest of our friends, extended families and coworkers at 12 weeks (right after our 2nd ultrasound where we got good results for our 1st tri screening).
Oh, such a loaded question!
I know someone who struggled with infertility and then had a miscarriage in her 14th week. That gave me pause. But only so much. She had issues I did not share.
We told close family after our first ultrasound (when we heard the heartbeat) around 6 weeks.
We told friends and started the pregnancy blog right around 12 weeks.
We told coworkers around 14 weeks. But for me, that was only because I was a new hire. I was nervous about the whole being new and pregnant thing. If I had stayed at my old job, I would have told sooner. At the new job, I would have liked to wait longer actually, but pregnancy was hard to hide on my frame.
The really fun part was not telling my students. I waited to see if they would ask and/or comment on me getting fat! It was pretty funny actually. I ended up telling different classes at different times depending on their forwardness with me.
Have you seen the baby move during an ultrasound yet? My RE told us that once you see that, then your chances of a miscarriage are almost nil.
All that said, go with your gut! And be happy and confident! Happy mom makes happy baby!
We told my immediate family and a few very close friends of mine I knew we could trust around 6 weeks and a bit later, but waited on telling Manny's family, our extended families, and everyone else until after 13 weeks. And now that it's out there, I have to say that as much as I wanted to tell and it was really exciting, it also feels vulnerable having everyone know. Not so much because of the m/c thing, but more just cause it becomes everyone else's THING. I am so weirdly irritated by everyone asking me how I'm feeling. I have debated telling them the truth, as in "Really gassy, thanks, and my sleep is utterly fucked up. How are you?" but so far have just said "Fine" and left it at that instead of getting into details. It's weird to be suddenly the focus of everyone's attention like that.
You are bang on that it becomes everyone's business, and it's good to honour your reservations about telling and waiting until you are ready.
aside from family and close friends, we waited until 18 weeks after the diagnostic ultrasound.
it's so hard not to tell!
When people started asking me point blank ;)
11 weeks, and yep it freaked me out, too.
g
Sadly I didn't get to tell the world. We told our families and I told 2 close girlfriends. I told my boss at work because she knew about IVF.
I only made it to 8-9 weeks before the miscarriage. I had it in my mind I'd wait until 13 or 14 weeks.
I still have friends who have no idea it even happened.
Of course, the internet world was the first to know after my hubby. But I was very careful this time. Last time, I told the world as soon as I could. This time, I am much more cautious. No one at work knows, and only a few other friends. I'm almost past when I miscarried last time, but I am still determined to keep it a secret until I can't keep it no more!
I was crazy and waited a very long time. I think it was the 5th month. I mean, I wasn't fooling anyone wearing a winter coat in April to hide it. I also never really told. I just stopped wearing the coat and everyone around me sort of agreed to not call me crazy and just go along with the fact that I was not talking about the pregnancy.
I really wish I had told and enjoyed it. Time is short and now I always think I should grab happiness where I can. I wish the me back then knew the me now.
I will be back to read these comments in a few weeks. Part of me never wants to tell. . .
With my first, I kept it a secret at work (except from a few close friends) until about 19 weeks. As soon as you tell, everyone will give you their 2 cents, most of which annoyed the crap out of me. You will get to hear all sorts of horrible labor/delivery stories and with older co-workers "just wait till they are teenagers, you'll wish you had never had them!" Not everyone is like this but many co-workers are. Soooo annoying!
- Lisa
We told our closest friends (who we see weekly) pretty much right away - but mostly because the whole early cramping thing threw us and I knew I would need them if it went wrong. We then told immediate family at 8 weeks when the heartbeat was confirmed.
The Dr told us that if you see a heartbeat at 8 weeks your chance of miscarriage drops to 3 - 5% - most often when people miscarry in weeks 9 - 13 they actually lost the baby earlier but didn't know. That knowledge made me feel much more confident for some reason. I told work at the end of 13 weeks.
I still worry something's going to go wrong and I swear my heart stops just before we listen to the heartbeat every single time but there is so much joy and love in telling - Lollipop's last paragraph really sums it up...
I told people during week 12 right after the quad screen. It was so much fun. You've gotta try it sometime :)
I am at 10w and (for context for other comment readers) have been too sick to function for pretty much the whole pregnancy so far. We told everyone who knew/had supported us through the IVF pretty much as soon as we knew. They were the ones who have to help us if something goes wrong. We also told people who came to visit and saw how sick I was so that they don't worry about me. I was not so kind to work though, they just know I am too sick to work but not why. We are far away from most people we know (working abroad for a year) so we can hide it pretty much as long as we want to. After the next scan (at 13w) I will tell my boss so we can make plans for my work next year. Other than that I think we just might wait until we get home in August, and people can see for themselves. But I kind of feel bad for my worrying work colleagues who all believe I am on death's door, so maybe I will take pity on them sooner, or maybe just announce my miracle recovery when the morning sickness hopefully passes in a few weeks and leave it at that.
I waited until I got the results from my Integrated Screening (at I think 12w d) so I was over 13 weeks and entering my second trimester when I told my work.
I had the same fears as you as far as the miscarriage rate in the first tri, but I also knew if something were to be seriously wrong with my baby from the screening and I had to consider terminate the pregnancy, I didnt want that to be anyones business either.
There was also something so sweet and serene and intimate about having my time with LO before telling everyone, It was just "Me and him". I felt like I was bonding in a way.
And when I finally told - it was with confidence and peace (the best it could be)I'm glad I waited this time around. It was hard last time when I only told 2 ppl at work after seeing the baby and h/b, only to have to eat my words and excitement because my baby died.
When my pee stick was bfp. Everyone except like my big bosses at work, which I told at 12 weeks. Yes, even being a part of this community, I told.
We told our parents and siblings immediately, then told just the people in our circle at 12 weeks. For me, it was sort of like a 'test run' of announcing the big news. I was so nervous that things would come crashing down as soon as the words crossed my lips. Then, when nothing happened, we started telling our work friends and such. I was probably around 14-15 weeks before the general public knew.
Like Birdee, I sort of enjoyed having a special secret from everyone else!
When we were pg last year, we told ppl almost immediately (I was about 6wks then). And then a few days later I began bleeding and ultimately lost the baby. So, this time around we waiting until we were through the first trimester to tell anyone (including our parents). I'm glad we waited, and even after we did, I was still scared to death. But, I didn't want our family to miss out on the journey.
I say share when you feel you're ready. It's different for everyone.
I called my friends and family as soon as a peed on a stick. And since most of my friends read my blog, they knew from the start as well. But at work- it was 12 weeks when I admitted I was PG.
I didn't tell. I waited until I couldn't hide it anymore at 18 weeks, and then people found out as they saw me. My close friends who don't live near me, i told then so that they wouldn't hear through someone else. There are still people who don't know. My husband hasn't even told 2 of his sisters...and I'm having my c-section on Thursday!!
Post a Comment