Somehow, at the 10 week mark, I've managed to freak myself out. And not freak myself out like I'm constantly worried or pessimistic this is all going to shit, but just freak myself out that I only have a few more weeks left of the HIGH risk area (and then months more of the regular risk area), so maybe THIS is when it will all fall apart.
And I get that that's crazy, and I get that that's not logical, but it just seems to be how I feel. I feel like that 13 week mark is almost STOMPING down on me, reminding me there's only a little time left for it to be SUPER scary, so maybe that little window is like the WORST window?
I don't know. In my gut, I still feel like I'm DONE, like this WILL all work out, like how it happened means that this really IS meant to be. But in my stupid head, sometimes lately, I just don't know.
Like the last two nights, I made the husband feel my ribcage area (no belly touching allowed yet) to see if I was still RADIATING heat, because I felt like I wasn't AS hot as I'd been the last few weeks where I've been all steamy mcsteamy with my crazy insane heat radiation. And if I wasn't AS hot, maybe I wasn't AS knocked up.
Or like this morning when after not feeling AS hot, we added NOT being nauseated for the first time in weeks to the list. So I sat in the shower and cried. And not for hours, not even for minutes - probably just seconds - but it got me none-the-less. It got me how BADLY I want this to work out. It got me how insanely horrible this would all be if it DIDN'T all work out.
And really, I just can't even LET my head go further than that, cuz the thoughts are just TOO awful, but even going to the EDGE of those thoughts, well it's something I hadn't really been doing before. Or at least not on a regular basis. Versus this week, something's changed. Something's gotten to me. I don't know if it was an article, or someone else's story, or just the realization of time ticking away and that little window becoming such a MONUMENTAL window, but something's got me. And I need to shake it. Cuz I liked me much better as that super annoying knocked up chick who was pretty damn cocky about how this was all going to go.
Wednesday, 22 April, 2009
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I don't think it's crazy - and even after the 13 week mark you may still have some (what you consider) unreasonable fears. I hope you will have a lovely uneventful pregnancy that allows you to finish your half marathon.
I don't think any of your fears are unreasonable, considering you went through infertility! It screws us over. Then once pregnant not only do you get mood swings, but you will swing violently between 'tra lala, everything is fine' to 'Shit, something's gonna happen any second, I just know it'.
Another thing, re: heat readiation etc... Symptoms come, morph into something else, dissappear totally, then another crazy symptom will hit you weeks later. That's how it's been with me, anyways. I was super hot at the beginning, it sort of went away. Then I was symptomless for weeks, then a weird symptom will smack you in the face. All of the above was something I wasn't aware of before becoming this way.
Personally I think that anyone who has experienced infertility will never be the 150% confident knocked up chick. Do I believe that at some point we'll be less freaked and be able to kinda enjoy our pregnancies once we get them? Yes. But I also believe that we feel the worry and stress more too.
xxx
Sounds like a totally normal freak out for an IF....not that I have been as far as you, but I know I will try to be as great as you have been thus far!! hang in there, because YOU ARE PREGNANT!! ((hug))
My experience was similar. J said it best when we first saw a heartbeat... "Now the stakes are raised." I feel like you get used to the failure, and then when you DO finally have HOPE that you might actually bring home a baby, you realize just how precious that hope is, just how much you want it to work out. And you know what COULD go wrong, you know, since you were on the wrong side of the odds for so long. And so you're just afraid to hope too much.
Like running, I found that pregnancy after infertility is a total mental game.
I've told you this before, but the only time I felt REALLY relaxed when I was pg was when I was in the hospital after my water broke, listening to his heartbeat on the monitor. Until then there was just this constant stream of worry in the background. Because I knew what could go wrong.
Anyway. REALLY long way of saying I hear you. But if you can manage the mental game - just tough it out, like this is another hill you need to conquer on a long run - you'll be okay.
Guess I'm just saying roll with the emotions too. You don't HAVE to be all zen about this, you can be scared, and then zen, and then scared, and then neurotic, and then hopeful, and then zen again. It's ok.
I will say it gets a LOT easier when you start feeling the kicks and rolls. Less like taking it on faith. Which, you know, after years of IF, is hard.
*hug* Hang in there.
xx
I think everything you are feeling is completely understandable! I would be the same and even probably worse. i think you have done really well. Just make sure to take care of yourself!
wish I had something useful to say other then it makes sense to me that you feel this way. what you have is precious, and because of that you want it to last, remember this all you have is this second, and this second you are fine.
I don't have a solution, but I can tell you that I totally understand. I went through the same thing around 10 weeks. And then again right before NT scan. And then again right before the anatomy scan. And then again right before I gave birth. When you're used to disappointment, sometimes its hard to escape the panic of impending doom.
I'm thinking of you and praying that the next few weeks fly by and you can get to that point where you can breathe easy and resume your knocked-up lady cockiness! :) ((LOTS OF HUGS))
My take is that even though it's really really uncomfortable to be afraid, being afraid doesn't mean you're not rollin' with it. It is a sign of how attached you are to this baby already, and it is a good sign. My doctor said to me a few weeks ago that "the only ones who don't worry are the 15 year olds who got pregnant in the back of a truck." Crass, maybe, but most likely true.
Of course it is easier to be cocky. But being scared of the risks and worrying are part of being pregnant. It probably won't always be this intense, but it's ok to be scared.
Thinking of you and wishing you a big window of peace to get you through these last few weeks of the HIGH risk area.
My god, I could write this very post. Shelby and I are feeling the exact same way as we're coming on up 11 weeks Saturday.
Glad to know we're not alone :)
-Mr Shelby
I totally get that feeling. I think it's normal not to roll with it once in a while.
Oh man, Chicket - worry and fear suck. I will also let you in on a little secret...even women who didn't go through infertility worry especially when, at around 10 weeks, the "yuckies" start to go away and you have more good mornings than bad ones.
Constant checking the 'ol undies for red marks, checking to make sure the bloated belly was just as bloated yesterday, peeing on endless sticks, having horrid thoughts of the "what if this doesn't stick", that is all completely normal and not one woman who has ever been pregnant can ever say she didn't have her moments of fear and even terror.
After what you have been through sweetheart, I'd say you are more than entitled to feel some moments of ginourmous anxiety and stone-cold fear. You know all too well the pain that can be waiting on the other side of this. Give in to it once and awhile, it's ok, but don't let it overwelme the absolute joy you feel about the miracle of FINALLY maybe getting what you want.
I really kinda get where you are coming from right now.
You just don't know, do you?
Heck- I was paralyzed with fear in my first trimesters, and that was with a whole buncha scans. You're braver than I,
xx
g
Sounds like many of the freak outs I had...and they went well past the first tri. It's hard when you are so totally invested in something. And this part is the hardest, you start to feel better but don't feel any kicks or anything like that yet.
May you feel just enough symptoms to reassure you
At 10-11 weeks my nausea went away and I freaked out. And then I found a million things to constantly freak out about my entire pregnancy. And then after he was born. And now that's he's walking. Does this make me insane, or a normal IFer?
It sounds like you are being a perfectly on-track knocked up chick. I'm sorry you are feeling anxious, and I hope you get back to cocky soon. Hang in there!
Oh, we've all been there! It won't be the last time, either. It's just something to work though. Then when the baby is born, it will turn into fear of whether he's still breathing when he seems to be asleep. The fear is something to live with and work through. But I think we all understand what it's like. Hang in there and try to stay positive!
I remember the fears all too well. No matter how hard you TRY to think positive those pessimistic feelings always manage to creep in. And while I think it gets better later in pregnancy they still seem to linger even after they are born.
I agree with Anna that unless you're that knocked up 15 year old you care. I'm working on a post on my thoughts along these lines too but I worry a lot. Too much movement, not enough movement, hot, cold, tired, not tired. We're growing a human and a human that is desperately wanted. Some people think that you become a mother the day the baby's born but I would argue that it happens for a lot of us when the pregnancy's confirmed. Our protective, do anything for this baby feelings are very evident from the get go.
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