This weekend I went out with a really good friend. One who's been amazingly supportive during this whole infertility crap, but one who's always, in EVERY conversation, ALWAYS managed to mention "relaxing". In her defence, I don't really believe she gets how naive it is, and I truthfully haven't told her so how could she know - it's not like she's the first to think it? But for me, with some people, I just feel they're going to think what they think, and as long as they're not HURTFUL about it, I just let it go after the first time. The first time? Oh she GOT the speech! After that? Well, she's been so supportive in so many other ways, that it just doesn't seem worth it to me. If she's going to think what she's going to think, but still be amazing to me, maybe we can skip the education session on this whole relaxing "movement" she speaks so highly of.
Anyway, out for a walk, I let her in on our secret... kinda. I told her "it worked" but I didn't really say WHAT it was that worked, because I was too afraid to. Too afraid of her immediately telling me it worked because we RELAXED!, too afraid of her excitedly telling other friends of our great news - but that it's because we RELAXED!, and too afraid to admit we simply had sex and beat the stats.
I figured depending on how she reacted, maybe I WOULD let her in on the secret, maybe I WOULD tell her that that magical trick people speak so highly of that makes babies? Well it actually works - if you do it 189x! But maybe I also wouldn't, because if there's even a CHANCE that relax "movement" will strike this one up for their side, then there's no way in hell I was going to be contribute to that. Because I still believe it had NOTHING to do with relaxing, and EVERYTHING to do with statistics.
To rant for a moment, we had sex a month after what was one of the ROUGHEST periods of our lives. A period where we thought we were going in for our final IVF - FINAL - but instead were surprised to have it cancelled. In a story where we kept thinking it couldn't possibly get ANY worse, it did, AGAIN. So really? Yea, we DID have sex, but anyone who can POSSIBLY think that it was at a RELAXING time of our lives can f*g SUCK it. We were dealing with a LOT of crap at that time - crap that was anything BUT relaxing.
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled program here...
So I told her, "it worked". And her reaction? Well first, it was awesome, it was pure joy, excitement, and all the genuine things you want a friend to feel for you. And then came, "OMG, maybe cuz it was your final IVF, you were just in a place where you were at peace that it'd either work or it wouldn't - you just relaxed, and whammo! It happened!".
And I didn't correct her. I never actually even told her that the IVF was a blatant FAILURE, because I just couldn't muster up going through all that. If she already thought this worked with IVF because I RELAXED, she was surely going to beat me over the head with it if she knew how it REALLY happened!!!
So I didn't correct her. I did however ENCOURAGE her to think about the stats of how many times we'd tried to put his sperm and my eggs together, and how STATS were probably what really hit it for us, because after doing this 189x or whatever the hell it was, something was bound to stick EVENTUALLY... But I DIDN'T go further than that, and I DIDN'T tell her the truth. It just felt EXHAUSTING to get into it, and this news ISN'T exhausting, and I wanted to just move on and ENJOY sharing instead of arguing over something so many think anyway.
And what I'm realizing more and more, is that there's going to be a LOT of people I might just SKIP the truth with - because the odds are greater that I can avoid contributing to the "relax" side if they think it was the IVF, and while I'm THRILLED to be here, I also HATE that my story contributes to that side. But moreso, I'm realizing there might be a lot more people who I don't CORRECT when they mention anything re relaxing, giving up, or being at peace cuz it was our final.
Because while I really don't want to contribute to the perception of how crazy we infertiles are (by revealing sex is what finally got us a kid), I can also only fight so much of this fight. Some people are going to think what they're going to think, and no amount of talking to them will change that. So yea, it's GOING to drive me crazy sometimes, and I'm going to do my best to protect the increased odds post-stim-failure, the do it 189x stats, and the fact that this had NOTHING to do with relaxing, but I'm also not going to exhaust myself with those who are "unfixable". I can't say that I'll ever be able to hear the RELAX comment without cringing, but at 11 weeks, I also don't wanna argue it to death. I just wanna focus on this being very very cool.
Tuesday, 28 April, 2009
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21 comments:
Yes, I know what you mean. I got the same reaction too when I finally told people that IVF worked for us, even though I was convinced it wasn't going to work. Some people - even the supportive ones - said that it worked because "we were at peace." When in reality we weren't. It sucked.
I did the same thing you did - just went with it. Because truth is, they MEAN well, and they WANTED it for us, and they just were trying to help.
So you know, you do what you gotta. It's great news, regardless. Splitting hairs over the reason WHY - statistics via "relaxing?" - doesn't matter, when the end result is that she's happy for you, you know?
xx
Excellent restraint - I would have embarked on a looong soliloquy about how relaxed I WASN'T and how random chance determines lots of things in life, winding up with "and if you tell me that it was just meant to be, I'll smack you one."
I know what you mean - we didn't get as far as IVF but the number of times people told me not to think about it drove me nuts.
I have two thoughts on this:
1. I think people are terrified to admit that things can be out of their control - especially with something that is supposed to be easy and natural. By admitting that its not something YOU can control she would be admitting to herself that its not necessarily something SHE can control which probably scares the shit out of her.
2. You can't win. I got pregnant on the tail end of pneumonia with a sinus infection having taken 6 rounds of antibiotics. I would have sworn there was nothing alive in my body never mind that my body would choose that time to get pregnant. One friend, who I adore and who had been supported turned around and said - See I told you you should just get sick - so many people get pregnant when they get sick! Honestly people will believe whatever they want to believe. You getting pregnant "naturally" this time just proves that you can get pregnant - how you got there and whether you were relaxed or not is no one's business.
As someone who got PG on a break cycle after numerous cycles, I can relate to people saying that relaxing was what did the trick. I heard it my entire pregnancy and I just got to a point where I would just nod my head and smile. Because really, what else can you do? People either get it or they don't. And sometimes that fight just isn't worth the struggle.
YAY for 11 weeks!!! :)
It is very cool.
And it is none of anyones business how the baby was conceived anyways. Why do people feel the need to know? (I realixe some of them are your friends, so I can understand that, but other people...? None of their beeswax).
I hate the word "relax" now. It's a numbers game, and "relax" isn't a modifier.
I also hate who we are robbed of the ability to announce a pregnancy without bracing ourselves on how the other person will react.
I'm proud of you, for the restraint you've shown. It's not easy and sometimes you want to scream.
-Mr. Shelby
Exactly! It is very cool. I am glad that you didn't correct her but also didn't fight it either. It seems that was the best solution. Good for you!
I am very impressed with your restraint. And, I completely understand your outlook on things.
Of course in the end it doesn't matter whether it was really relaxation or statistics or maybe a helluvah lot of work and drugs and money.
But I think the offensive part of the "relax" statement is that it suggests getting pregnant should and is always easy. In 2 syllables the word manages to gloss over the pain, anger and time commitments of infertility.
I think you showed tremendous restraint.
You absolutely deserve to enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. You can say it once and let people do what they please with your info -- they will either be open to new data or not.
None of us needs to be a poster child for our way out of IF. At least not 24/7.
IRL my bf is infertile and lives on a diff contenant and also told me to relax (she is still infertile and still says that it is mental - even though it is his swimmers - they have moved onto adoption.
You are so right, Chicklet - there is only so much battle fighting a girl can do, and sometimes we just need to let things slide, even though they could be a chance to spread the word about how dumb the house of relax really is. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and picking your battles - you need your energy for the half, you tremendous kicker of ass, you!
and so very cool it is. i too heard my fair share of comments about the relaxing, as Auden was totally DIY. it's so hard to hear because it makes things seem so simple -- if it actually worked, very few of us would have blogs. we would just be relaxing and making babies left and right.
just don't listen to them and shift the conversation to the now. you're pregnant, things are going well, and it's great. it's all you can do.
i'm still just thrilled for you guys. it's about time statistics worked in your favour. xoxo
Wow I can totally relate. Not so much with an oops-pregnancy but letting people think IVF can work for everyone (when we actually ended up doing Donor Eggs). On the one hand I want to correct all those wrong notions that IVF works for everyone (becasue it did not for us) on the other hand I don't want ot get into my personal story.
Let people think the IVF worked. Save yourself some grief. You don't have to right everything wrong with the world.
It's too hard to take on the myth of relaxing unless you want to really crusade about it - and maybe at some point, you will want to tell your friend more about what really happened.
At this point, it's probably just great to have a supportive friend to hang out with. Definitely better than risking some kind of spat about reproductive luck!
I shall do my bit to specifically remind people that I was more keyed up than a piano wire, personally.
:)
g
I so totally know exactly what you mean! And I've come to realize that some people will just never, ever change, no matter how many times you try to educate them. Some people just don't realize that by giving the order to "just relax" they are implying that we are somehow at fault and sabotaging ourselves. Ugh. I'll never forget last summer. We had just been matched with Andrew's birthparents and I found out I was pregnant. As we shared news of the pending adoption EVERYONE said, "Watch, now you will get pregnant". I cringed every time I heard it and then averted my gaze. It was painful.
I hear you honey, and it is so much more "relaxing" for you to not have to exhaust yourself with those who will never get it that relaxing just does not make babies. Statistics and odds do.
Oh and maybe a good old shag every now and then ;)
xxx
People are going to think what they want to think and no amount of data to the contrary seems to ever change their minds. It's annoying as piss, but what can you do? I like your tactics on this one!
I got a lot of similar comments- and still do- over our WTF rest cycle pregnancy. Annoying.
I don't think I could have shown the same restraint. I may have decked the chick.
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