Honestly

Twenty-four hours later, I'm honestly not excited yet - I'm dumbstruck. And a little freaked out. And a little disappointed. And it's not because I'm not thankful this might really be what it seems to be, it's just that this is all WAY TOO F*D UP.

Yes, we DIO (did it ourselves) at the right time (in apparently the right place), but we DIO often at the right time (in what FEELS like the right place), and it's never BEFORE been right? Or at least the results never turned out like THIS! But this has always been the game we've played - have a failed cycle but give it a go the month after cuz ya know? What the hell right?

But now? Seriously? WHAT THE HELL? Cuz yea, Dr. Chutzpah from the big bad clinic always encouraged us that no matter how we felt post-failure, the next cycle was a REAL opportunity we REALLY should consider on our own (something about bodies being kicked or learning), but we never really took him seriously. Sure we followed his rule but we never really thought much of it (even WITH his patient who never got pregnant cycling with him, but on ALL THREE KIDS got knocked up the cycle after a failure with the clinic). We just kinda thought, meh, sure, uh huh. And yet?

F*. Seriously, just f*. And again, I don't say it like I'm not thankful or like I won't be excited if this is legit, but I say it like... well... here goes the moment where I sound like a really ungrateful bitch... but this feels a bit like an "oops" pregnancy! Regardless of the fact that we DIO when we were supposed to, that's just kinda part of being an infertile - you do casual counts here and there, you suggest the timing's good, and well... you can guess what follows. We did it and moved on, blah blah blah. I didn't even realize I was overdue until I was FIVE DAYS overdue, and I had to actually ASK the husband if we'd had a "timed" deed recently cuz I COULDN'T REMEMBER!

We had gotten SOOO back into the "all about us" stage, that we were thinking maybe not having kids WOULD be good. Maybe we'd travel and open our own business. Maybe I'd be a runner with a rockin' body. Maybe, just maybe, we'd figure out our OWN path, a different path, but a path that worked for us. We were so into that stage that my VERY FIRST thought when I saw the positive was "I JUST LOST 10LBS!!!". And my very SECOND thought? It was, "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!".

And fine, maybe lots of FERTILE people have those kinds of reactions, but an infertile? Really? And no, I'm not mad at myself for thinking it - it's what I thought so it is what it is, and I will not feel bad for being human and having selfish moments - but this is all really... well if I haven't said it enough times, it's really all VERY f*d up. And not just cuz this shit might be legit, but because THIS is how it happened.

Yes, I will agree, the universe LOVES to f* with me. And yes, I will agree, that in a few days or weeks or years, I probably WILL find this all very funny. But right now - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Yea, you throw enough sperm at enough eggs and the stats have GOT to finally one day be in your favor, and maybe that's how this all really happened, but good lord people, almost $20,000, concerns over "sperm meet egg" issues, petri dishes and all SORTS of intervention, and yet this. THIS!