I'm finding myself really really sad lately, and I think a lot of it comes from this second wave of preggos happening right now. While I'm stuck watching them all TALK about trying, STRESS about trying, and then have real live freakin' BABIES from trying (before I can even manage to get knocked up), they're all just moving on, with no clue as to how easy this really was for them. With no clue that I'm stuck exactly where I was before, only slightly less bitter over it. And I'd emphasize the words "only slightly".
That first wave? It was HARD. It was hard to watch them all get married AFTER me, to know they were on that 2-year-clock that most married couples hop on, and watch them all hit that deadline or even BEAT that deadline, BEFORE me.
Truthfully? It was hard just to get USED to the announcements, let alone deal with them every few weeks! To eventually realize that I'd BEEN THERE DONE THAT so long that the announcements started to not even bother me much anymore.
But what's hard now is watching the second wave coming, full steam ahead, knowing that I'm STILL stuck in a place where I have no idea if I'll ever be UN-stuck. To be in a place where there's now TWO groups of preggos around me, ALL beating me to the punch, ALL getting to move on.
Group one? Well they're the bitches who not only had their FIRST babies before me, but are now having their SECOND babies before me. Before I even get a first.
And group two? Well they're the group who only got married last year but cuz they're in the "waited til they were older to get married" group, they're rushing through the 2-year-clock like it's a set of bowling pins. The kind of bowling pins I've been trying to knock down for YEARS, only THEY seem to have been given gigantic bowling balls that couldn't miss if you tried, and I'm still stuck over here with my tiny ping pong ball that dives in between. A ping pong ball I've spent over $20,000 to upgrade, but apparently money doesn't matter.
22 comments:
I hear ya hon - I struggle with the same thing.
I have a group of friends that I met online when we were all just in the "starting to try" phase, going on 5 years ago. Many of them have had their first and second children, some are on #3, and a few have moved on to permanent birth control.
And here I sit, still waiting....
Sucktastic suckage, if ya ask me.
Some on my friends are pregnant with their second or third. Yes,it's a bit easier for me because I finally got there, but seeing a child who has a very close birthday to your own first that never made it? Seeing a child conceived when you first started trying enjoy their third birthday. Sucks forever.
xx
J
*hug*
If I could, I'd give you the biggest ball. So you could beat those bitches down AND get what you want the most - all in one fell swoop.
xx
I'm sorry. That crap is the hardest to take.
My sister (3 years younger than me) had 2 kids while I was 'in that place'. Now she's on her third. She's my sister, and I still feel like a jealous bitch.
I can't say I know how it feels but I can say I am very, very sorry and offer you a hug.
I hear ya. My younger sis by 5 years has had 2 before me and both times I was pregnant at the same time as her and we all know how well that turned out...It just SUCKS!!!
It sucks. It just plain sucks. And the longer you go through this the more and more times it happens. Suck.
I don't even know what coming I'm up to...
all of our friends and family (except maybe one) have already had both kids, mostly ALL in the time we've been trying for one. and that includes all the newer couples who went straight to it. that just effing sucks, no matter how I look at it.
and now, the babies keep having birthdays.
I hear you. I have so been there. And my sister in law #1 got pregnant the same month I did (with her second--first month trying). She had her baby. I of course, did not. I have a hard time seeing my niece sometimes. Then, about 6 months or so after that niece was born, SIL #2 announced that SHE was pregnant. With number 3. Now, I hear, they are trying for #4. I sort of feel vomit-y just thinking about it all.
Hang in there....
Last year was a crappy one for me, with three failed treatments and four of my closest friends having their first or second babies. I had a tough time logging into my Facebook account. I lied and said it was blocked at work... when really it was all the baby pictures, reminders that their lives were moving forwards while ours we not. ::hugs:: It's so tough and I'm sorry that you're going through this.
I'm right there with you girl! I have friends with 3-4 kids now and I told one of my friends that her kids would be in high school before I had my kids and be able to baby sit. I was right. It does suck, watching EVERYONE in my family have a baby, but me! I am the last hold out.
I pray that you find some peace in this chaos that is IF.
Yeah, major suckage goin on. I hate it very much for you, beyond words.
My sister gets pg just looking at her husband and despite the fact they've been on the verge of divorce 3 times in the past year, they're talking about trying for a third.
While I'm not in the trying/waiting group anymore, I still find myself very upset with ppl that get pg by their bf of 1 mth and didn't want a baby to begin with and now just breeze right through it all.
((hugs)) I'm so sorry.
I feel ya... when I see IRL people I know on their second when I started this F-N journey before their first.. Sure fire way to send you playing in the puddle.. UGH
Sometimes I make myself feel better by saying all your married friends are 10 years younger, that's why they have kids, and then even my older friends (you know the ones who could never find Mr. Right?) and now they've found Mr. Right AND delivered their first baby in their 40's. And the phrase, "I'm adopting" is sounding like a delusion 1 1/2 yrs later. I just one upped you in the sucketh department. :)
Yes, it does hurt, and it doesn't get any easier, I'm sorry.
I'm in the same place. Just about everyone I know now has children. I swear it seems like over 50% of my facebook friends are pregnant, most with their seconds, and one with her fourth! Gah this sucks!!!
I was where you are before LaLa was born, then half of you waiting for D. so beleive it or not, I know how you feel. I can only pray that it'll happen soon for you too and like me, maybe you'll catch up faster than you expected ;) ;) ;)
HUGS and more HUGS and a virtual glass of vino for the both of us.
Lots of love
XXX
It is a sucky place to be. I had hard time watching all of my cousins having kids over and over while My situation never changed. It was torture. Eventually it didn't bother anymore, but I was still amazed with each lapping.
This weekend I am to be Godmother at the Baptism of my cousin's fifth child. We were TTC#1 at the same time and now she has five and I have none. It's an odd feeling.
Hi!
Found you off Stirrup Queens today. I'm so sorry you're get 'lapped' by your super-fertile friends. It hurts in ways they'll never know.
I sooooo felt that way with primary IF before I had my son, and now I find myself being just as bitter and irritated as I struggle with TTC #2.
Yesterday, I dropped my son off at his beautifully-7-month-pregnant bellied sitter, and copped out actually talking to her by giving the excuse that I needed to get into work early.
I hate me some preggo bellies, unless of course, it's going to be mine.
eve from
infertililtyrocks.wordpress.com
I find it difficult to see my friends who have a 2 year old, when I know I should have one the same age as well. Even after having my son, it strikes a nerve in my bitter little heart for that 2nd wave of announcements to come rolling over like they are doing now. I hate that planning a family feels so fraught with fear and anxiety, instead of joy and anticipation.
I was caught in a conversation with some friends and they were debating whether or not to have a THIRD. Seriously. A THIRD. She was saying how she wasn't sure if she was ready to never be pregnant again. Her first two have been born since we started trying. I told her it must be nice to have the option to even consider trying for a THIRD. She just didn't get it.
So, I guess I know how you feel. Someway, somehow, we will get there, too.
For some reason, our circle of friends doesn't really have kids. I mean, a few of them do, but in general they don't. What can I say, we have a bunch of DINK friends (as much as I hate that term), and we also have a bunch of single friends.
Still, I feel we out of sync, just for US. I always did things out of order. Work before college, lived with my husband for 8 years before marrying... I just thought this thing would fall into place.
The fact of the matter is, childless is not the kind of person I want to be right now. And I just feel so stuck, no matter what monumental efforts I'm making.
Fuck em all I say. Yeah, even me. You know where I'm suggesting to go on a shopping spree.
love.
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