The Part Nobody Talks About

There's a lot going on around here with research, and looking into getting a 2nd opinion. There's also a lot going on around here with discussions on what to do next, because unfortunately we're not on the same page with that still. But mostly, there's a whole lotta CLEANUP going on. Cleanup of US, and of our bad habits - the ones we picked up along the way with this little adventure we call infertility. The ones I'd guess a LOT of infertiles pick up with this little adventure we call infertility. The ones nobody really talks about.

And yea, I'm going to talk about it only now that I feel we have a good GRASP on it again. And yea, I'm going to talk about it only now that I can feel proud that we're DOING something about it. But even now, it still feels weird to actually put out there. Because it's NOT something I'm proud of. But when you're going through all this, how do you cover EVERY aspect that beats you down? How do you admit there's yet ANOTHER thing you're not handling all that well?

And what I'm talking about is the drinking. Cuz me and mr chicklet, we were doing WAY too much of it for awhile there. And while I can say that I don't believe we were drunks, I will say we were probably headed that way. Because during this little adventure we call infertility, our habits changed, our quantity changed, and our frequency changed. And none of those changes were positive.

Pre-infertility, we'd drink while socializing - it was a part of how we caught up with friends, or celebrated an event. And yea, we'd over-indulge when the occasion called for it, but it was periodic, intermittent, and just something we enjoyed doing here and there. It was also something we got TIRED of - something where there'd be nights where we'd purposely refuse plans that involved drinking cuz we just wanted a break from it.

But somewhere along this little adventure we call infertility, it became a part of how we lived. And I don't mean that like I think we depended on it to GET THROUGH every single day, but I mean it like it was just something we did without even thinking. If we had a failed cycle, hell, open a bottle of wine or two! If we were starting a NEW cycle, hell, we better head to the pub and tie one on cuz we wouldn't be able to drink for a bit! Shit, if we were even taking a BREAK from cycling, cuz we needed some time to recover from the shiteaousness that is cycling, we'd drink then too because well, we COULD drink so why not drink!

And the weird part of all of it, is that we talked a LOT about our new and undesirable habits. We talked about his worries about how OFTEN we were drinking. We talked about my worries about how MUCH we were drinking. We even talked about our worries together, that we BOTH thought we needed to reign it in. But then more shit would happen, and we'd feel JUSTIFIED and DESERVING, and we'd just crack another bottle and just stop talking about it for awhile. Until at least the next time it started to bother us again. Which thankfully it always did - it just came in spurts and bursts.

And while maybe it's an excuse, I really do believe these habits can be paired right along with infertility. And not because I'm ignorant enough to think that we didn't make CHOICES to drink as much as we were, but because I can pinpoint on a CALENDAR exactly when we started making those choices.

And while I'm smart enough to know that habits like these are totally up to US to work on, I'm also smart enough to know that when there was SO MUCH ELSE going on in our lives, that if we had to WORK HARD at ONE MORE FUCKING THING, something was bound to break. So instead of working on it, we just let it go on and on and on - because it was easier to. Because there was already SO MUCH ELSE. Because admitting there was yet ANOTHER thing we weren't good at, well it would've sucked in a time that already sucked a whole LOT anyway.

But while it sounds ridiculous, and I am by NO means giving credit to the Nike+iPod for all our changes, I do think it was part of the changes. Part of what kicked our asses. And part of it in the sense that we apparently needed SOMETHING to show us how much we were sucking, something to kick us back into gear. And for me, it was the Nike+ telling me how much I SUCKED at running now. At a time when I already felt pretty shitty about my body and its ability to do the things it's just supposed to do naturally, having that solid PROOF that it was sucking in yet ANOTHER way - a way it didn't USED to suck? Well it pissed me off. It pissed me off enough to push me to fix it. And pushing ME to fix it, meant pushing the husband to too.

So when I started getting my running back, HE started getting his gym routine back. And when we started getting all this back, and realizing we were feeling shitty WHILE doing it, well the first thing that had to go was the drinking. And no, we haven't cut booze out completely, but we have got RULES and BOUNDARIES again. We've got a maximum # of nights we're allowed to drink each week, and we stick to it religiously. Mostly it's by not drinking at all during the week, but sometimes it's by substituting nights - think we'll drink at that work/dinner event? Okay, then we won't drink this weekend.

And so far, two months in, it's working. It doesn't hurt that we're also eating healthier and seeing some pounds come off (7-8lbs each), but mostly it's that we have GOALS and RULES - something we both do very well with. Something we'd totally dropped for awhile there. For me, I want to run the half marathon in May, and there's no WAY I'm doing it without proper training. For him, he wants to get back to the shape he was in in Greece 4 years ago, and there's no way HE'S doing it without proper training.

And maybe with a real focus for both of us, by the time the cycling comes back - if it even does - maybe by then we'll be so far into our GOOD habits again, that the BAD habits won't come back. Maybe we'll be feeling too good about ourselves to LET those bad habits come back.