Have I mentioned how good me and the husband are at finding NEW ways to fail at this baby-making shit? Cuz unlike IVF#1 which was a total blowout with a single fertilized embryo, and IVF#2 which had the husband finally falling down, IVF#3 was well... an IUI instead of an IVF.
It was the IVF that had the RE neither pleased nor displeased with my right side (1 follicle almost ready, 3 others needing a couple more days), then saying "yikes", repeatedly, and quite UNCOMFORTABLY at my left side (a single follicle ready to go THAT day so probably too late).
It was the IVF that had the nurse grabbing me tissues, me dropping the f* bomb about how they were going to f*g CANCEL me weren't they, and the RE completely lost in what to tell me about how it really WAS better to go to IUI this round as no matter what we did at this point, I'd be down to 2 usable follicles at BEST, and those were much better off in ME than in needles, dishes, and all sorts of other contraptions.
It was the IVF that had me asking all SORTS of questions about why they hadn't monitored me earlier, why her answer contradicted the other RE's answer from cycle 1, why they switched my drugs when last time I at least RESPONDED to those even if it wasn't a great response, and when I'd get my f*g money back now that we were throwing a f* HAIL MARY at this.
It was the IVF that had the RE trying to console me that I wouldn't be the first to get pregnant on a converted cycle, and me retaliating that those bitches most likely didn't have ONE out of NINE eggs fertilize without ICSI so this WAS in fact a HAIL MARY as we're highly ICSI-dependent.
It was the IVF that had me doing my HCG shot in a room with a stunned nurse who was not only extremely uncomfortable with how bitter I was, but was also kinda freaked out by my ability to just undo my pants and jam the damn HCG in to get it over with when "she could've helped" - cuz yea, after 3 cycles of this shit, I have no clue how to do a shot...
It was the IVF that had me immediately calling the finance office to see what I'd be getting back and when, which is probably one of the only GOOD pieces of new in here. We paid $6500 ($5500 IVF + $1000 ICSI) but we'll get $5500 back because they keep $1000 for bloodwork, ultrasounds, processing, and the IUI (IUI's are $350 so really they only kept $650). So between the free drugs and the refund, this little adventure only cost us $650, which on the scale of things, isn't too bad considering what we COULD have spent.
It was the IVF however that has me more than a little lost. What I do know for sure is that unless we're getting an ENTIRELY free cycle for this blatant fuck-up (a fuck-up that could've been avoided had they given me ultrasounds cuz with IVF#1 I proved that my bloodwork didn't mean shit in my progress), we are DONE with Dr. Chutzpah and this clinic altogether.
However, whether we are done with IVF and moving onto adoption is a whole 'nother ballgame. I never EVER thought I'd consider IVF#4, particularly when I really had such a hard time even doing IVF#3, but the truth is we didn't GET IVF#3, so even *I* feel a little gipped. I'd gone into this cycle feeling like it really was possible that the husband would be right, and we'd get our fairytale ending, but I'd also felt like I was going to be totally okay if we DIDN'T get that fairytale ending cuz I'd now know we crossed all the t's and dotted all the i's that we as a couple needed to to move on. Yet here, in this place we're in, I don't feel like we HAVE crossed all the t's or dotted all the i's. I feel like there's some unfinished business...
The problem is whether I can handle FINISHING that unfinished business anymore.
Whether this blatant failure was a true fuck-up and we really still SHOULD do IVF#3 (but with the drugs from IVF#2), I don't know. Because maybe this blatant failure was also a SIGN that we should throw in the towel and stop this bloody rollercoaster. Maybe it's even a little bit of both...
Truth is, I know I'm MOSTLY done - I want my body back, I want my mind back, I want ME back. I'm really quite TIRED of all this shit. But if I'm being truthful, I have to say MOSTLY because I also feel a little GIPPED. I feel like I was willing to have one last HURRAH, one final GO at this damned race, and instead of getting the super duper RABBIT to run my race and really give it his all, I got the freakin' turtle. The slow, pokey, little turtle who really COULD win the race, but probably won't.
Saturday, 24 January, 2009
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33 comments:
I wish that I could make this not suck so fucking much, Chicklet.
TOtally get why your so pissed and you should be pissed, they fucked up hard on this, and I get why you may want another kick at the can (hell it took me a long time to accept that I would never get to kick the can - which is worse then having a failed IVF because you never even get to try - and getting a try is not a lot to ask for). SO i get why you may want one other kick - are there any other clinics around?
It just all fucking sucks.
I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. The whole IVF process is hard enough as it is without the extra drama thrown in. Many hugs to your and your husband!!
It is hard not to feel 'mostly done' because it is all so very difficult. I hope the way ahead becomes clear (if only!) and you are able to formulate a plan.
I wish it wasn't this way, really I do.
Thinking of you. I know you'll get through this but hating that you have to.
AH CHicklet.
I think, for the sake of your sanity, you need to consider #4 for the reasons you state.
But I'd also get a second opinion about protocol, I don't know yours or your doses,but there are options.
I'm sorry it came to this, mate,
xx
J
It's just wrong that your one last try didn't even get a chance. (Of course, I hope that you are one of those bizarrely lucky gals who manage to get pregnant when converted to IUI.)
I think you'll know in your heart what you want to do next.
I'm pissed on your behalf. Truly.
I have no assvice on what you should do - except talk it over and follow your hearts.
I'm so sorry Chicklet, I really am...
If I decided to try again then I'd look very hard at another clinic. Are there any other ones available to you?
In the meantime, while you're waiting, be as angry and pissed as you want...you have that right, and we're all pissed right along with you.
Go to another clinic. After hearing your story, I do not have faith in your clinic (and mine) for more in depth issues. We were going to go to Victoria for the next cycle. Have heard WONDERFUL things about Dr. H... they're much more experimental there... something I'm not sure if G or P clinic are. Seems those two clinics (from what I've heard, and I could be wrong) don't like to stray from their protocols much.
I want you to want to cycle again. I want you to go somewhere new. I do know you need your time to work through this devistating letdown, and make a decision for you. I know you can't take much more.
Plus, you should ALWAYS get monitored before stim day 8. Honestly, you're paying SO MUCH money for this. You deserve to be monitored earlier, so they can change/alter/up your meds if they don't see response early on.
Hang in there, and I'm so sorry.
You have every single right to be fucking pissed off. Thank God you are at least getting most of your money back. You may not feel it, but damn, I think you should be pretty proud of yourself for getting through all of this shit. You go girl.
The rabbit and turtle thing is so apropos.
I think you bring up perhaps the most bothersome thing -- the unfinishedness of it. Kinda makes you disoriented because you're not sure if you're really at the end or not.
Go for a run. Drink a glass of wine. Enjoy your hubby. Ask for the answer.
I'd be pissed off too. feels like you never really got your chance at #3. definitely another opinion about protocol would be good.
for now, I'm just picturing you muttering curses under your breath and jamming that hcg into your ass before storming out of there. quite an image.
at least you get your money back. ivf is way cheaper in canada too!
I think something needs to be smashed in a gajillion pieces. SOMETHING!!!! (Perhaps a certain ultrasound machine?)
If you go for #4 maybe a second opinion would be good. I totally hear you on the wanting you body back. I am sorry you have to go through all this shit. I wish there was something that could make it better. It just totally F$%king sucks!!!!
Fuck.
I'm sorry.
I went through all these same emotions. For me, IVF #1 was a little botched at the end so I was peeved but hopeful that #2 would be THE ONE, especially 'cause it was our last try. Then it failed horribly, no response, hail mary IUI. I felt cheated, furious and exhausted. The RE helped us scramble to manage one more try. But I was bitter, super bitter. We got lucky with that last, last try. But either way, I knew I needed it to feel like we had dotted everything too.
Just saying that I hear all you are feeling, and know how shitty it is. Wishing I could give you a big hug. Hang in there Chickie.
oh god, this sucks on so many levels.
i think going to a different clinic is a great idea -- i've heard some great things about them here.
i'm so sorry, chicklet. it's all so fucking wrong.
*hug* Wish I had something to say to make it better. It just sucks. All of it.
I'm sorry it all went like this.
Ouch, Chicklet. I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this. It sounds god-awful frustrating. I do think you'll "find yourself" again through all of this.
Sounds like bullshit to me. At least you get money back. I'd rather you get a baby out of it, though.
Fuck. So many have already said this, but its worth repeating - this shit is hard enough without the additional drama. I am so sorry your clinic added some drama to this go round. And, if you're asking, I would do #4, for all the reasons you state here. I mean, honestly, at this point, why not? Especially if you have some money back from this latest go.
I am so sorry this sucks so bad and hurts so much. This experience really calls into question the ability of your doctor / clinic. If you are able to switch clinics it might be worth a fresh start somewhere. (Though you may not get the free meds somewhere else.)
I went through some of what you described during my first IVF. I had all my hopes pinned on it, this was going to be the last hurrah, this cycle would tell me how old my eggs really were, etc. And then I end up getting canceled and feeling like it shouldn't count. (And the RE used the same protocol that cycle that he used for previous ones that produced just a few eggs, which make me question his willingness to try new protocols.) I finally convinced him to try a different type and that is what we're doing now.
Good luck - I wish you peace and serenity as you get through the coming days and make your decisions.
I totally get the whole feeling gipped part of this post. It sucks big hairy hairballs.
Is there another clinic that you can consider so that if you do decide to "re-do" number 3 you can??
xxx
That gipped feeling is so very hard to overcome. You do everything right and still get bitchslapped. AAAARRRGgghhh.
Aw, shit, Chicklet. I wish it was different, I really do.
I get the whole thing about wondering when the time is right to be done with one thing and move on to another. If only there were really clear signs from the universe like a letter from G*d showing up in my mailbox, or the northern lights spelling out a message to me.
Wishing your turtle speed and stamina, anyways.
damn. what a crazy whirlwind of suck.
thinking of you and hating on your clinic.
I can absolutely relate.
I don't know what sarcastic, cynical thing I said, but I clearly remember the RE saying unconvincingly, "ya know, these things DO work sometimes" during our last IVF/IUI conversion. Like he was trying to justify even doing it.
And they can, I guess. I'm sure it happens sometimes. Hopefully for you, atleast.
I don't get mad easily, but yesterday I just had this wave of anger sweep over me. I kept thinking, dammit I've played the game, done my time, persevered, and for what? I completely get the feeling jipped.
Lemme just add, that I didn't consider the IVF/IUI conversions to be a try either. Like, in my mind we've done two IVF cycles, not four. Although, one should get credit for all of the stupid shots and monitoring appointments and emotional crap associated with them!
Aw shit Chicklet, I am so sorry. For what it is worth, I am seriously rooting for the turtle.
I totally get how you are feeling. If this had gone to ER and transfer and it still didn't work you'd have a sense of peace. Yes,ok, IVF wont work for us. Onto the next thing. But with a cancel...man. Ripped off from closure.
I could certainly understand you doing IVf #4 with you calling the shots (no pun intended).
I could also see you just walking away form all this crap.
No advice. All you can do it what you can live with the easiest. Maybe the "sucks to be you" appointment will add some clarity?
Ack! It is a total Eff Up. I'm so sorry. At least they seem too afraid of your wrath to screw you over about the money as well.
Hugs.
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