You gals rock. Because in all your comments, you really hit on the thing that deep down, I'm having trouble with. I can't just DECIDE to "get over" it, because there's something to GRIEVE here. And fine, I've never lost a child, lost a pregnancy, or had that KIND of grief, but I'm still grieving that this "idea" of who the husband and I thought we'd be together, may not be something we'll ever GET to be together.
And it's not to say that the new "we" won't be GOOD - hell, it'll probably even be great ONE day - it's just that there's this thing I NEED to be sad about, there's this thing that just plain SUCKS. And I say that in thinking about how it must've been for my mother when my dad died. I say that with a new sort of APPRECIATION for what she went through. Because while I think I had a lot of EMPATHY for what she was going through, I didn't - after a few years - have a lot of PATIENCE for what she was going through.
In my ignorance, I assumed all that crying she was doing YEARS after was because she wasn't FACING reality, was because she wasn't DEALING with her new life - when truthfully, she was probably doing all that crying because she WAS facing reality, and reality FUCKING SUCKED. So of course she was going to cry a lot, and of course she was going to KEEP crying a lot.
And while losing a spouse and losing the "you" you thought you'd be are two TOTALLY different things, I think how people PERCEIVE you're dealing with it are VERY much the same. As I said above, I believe I empathized with how much my mother's situation SUCKED, I believe I empathized with the kind of life-changing-show-STOPPINGness it must've been, but I think after a few years of it I just got tired of the whole thing... because *I* had dealt with it, so why the hell couldn't she?
And while I don't think I ever thought she should DECIDE to "get over" it, I DID think she should decide to FACE it, but maybe like my friend's friend*, I kinda blended the two and didn't get where the lines crossed. Maybe I didn't get that you COULD deal with it, and STILL cry all the time...
Maybe I totally 100% get that NOW...
Because for me, I AM dealing with it, I AM facing it, yet today, when two MORE f*g pregnancies were announced at work - one who only got married in August - it set me off.
It set me off that none of this is FAIR. It set me off that this REALITY is mine. It set me off that here I am f*g DEALING with it yet three years later, yet I'm STILL set off, STILL crying, and STILL pissed off.
*In defence of my friend, SHE didn't say that I should decide to "get over" it - she just repeated what someone else said. However, the thing with her saying it, was that even if she didn't THINK it, she didn't empathize enough to know NOT to say it to me.
Tuesday, 25 November, 2008
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26 comments:
yep. you have much to grieve, chicklet. don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. grief runs its own course in its own time. and no one else can tell you how to do it.
and about that friend, you're right she lacked empathy in the way she brought it up. but you know she said it that way not only because it may have been what someone else said, but because she thought it was a safe way to raise something she may have wanted to say herself. why else say it? that was a mouthful.
Yup yup yup. I think your line of thinking is right on.
And just for fun, this is what all your CAPITALIZED words in your post say...
DECIDE KIND GET GOOD ONE NEED SUCKS APPRECIATION EMPATHY PATIENCE YEARS FACING DEALING FUCKING SUCKED KEEP TOTALLY PERCEIVE VERY SUCKED STOPPING
DECIDE DID FACE COULD NOW MORE
FAIR REALITY DEALING STILL STILL STILL SHE THINK
I don't know why I did that, but I always wanted to.
Exactly! Well said Chicklet as always. It sucks,it's horrible, I hate it, I hate you have to deal with it but it is what it is and you MUST GRIEVE. You must do whatever YOU need to do to get through. Not get over because I don't think it will be something you can "Get over" as you said but you CAN get through and you WILL get through. As Luna said don't let anyone tell you how to do that and what is best for you because you and only you know what that is. Hang in there Chicklet we are all here.
Nancy you totally crack me up.
thinking of you, chicklet. you're right that you can't just decide to "get over it." it's a process, and a fluid one at that. take good care of yourself. xo
Yup. Everything you said. I lost my dad suddenly 6 years ago, and the grief from infertility is so close to the loss of someone close to you.
You never get over it. You have to go through it to get to the other side, but the other side isn't getting 'over it', it's getting USED to dealing with the pain.
Hang in there.
Grieving fertility is like grieving a spouse, or a miscarriage. Sure you haven't lost something tangible if you have never been pregnant, but you are loosing a dream that was to you tangible and that is what people fail to realize.
You get it, but others don't...and that is what makes this even harder!
You grieve for as long, and as hard as YOU need too. Only you will know when you have "gotten over it"
It would be so hard to hear someone tell me to "just get over it". I heard some insensitive comments when we were dealing with IF but that has to be one of the worst.
I agree 100% with you and the posters above... there is a grieving process involved. I never got pregnant but an intangible loss remains a loss -- while this doesn't define me it will always affect me. This is something you need to work through in your own time, as you figure out what your next steps will be. ::hugs::
Yes, yes, and yes. Everything you said? Right on, 100% true.
And no matter how MUCH people care about you, and they think they empathize, until it happens to them, they just can't. They don't get it.
Luckily? We do.
*hug*
Grieving it is - and there is no short through to the other side! It's horrid, and will mess with you. But you will manage to get through it.
ICLW
Great posts, & great comments, these past few days. I totally agree with everyone. You never get over something like this. You may get through it & learn to live with it, but get OVER it? Uh-uh.
As Elizabeth McCracken says in her book, "Closure is bull****." : )
There is simply nothing more chicken-shit and passive-aggressive than saying to a "friend" that someone else said something mean about them.
You grieve in whatever way you need for however long you need. Your friends will support you.
Ah yes, the grieving. The bitch of it is when you think you are done, a hidden wave will get ya.
I was at Wal-mart shopping for Thanksgiving and it hit and I had to leave. I just know that the constant pain does slightly decrease.
Keep hanging in there.
I am not sure it I have ever commented but my husband and I have male-factor (diagnosed) and probably at little female (not diagnosed yet) thrown it.
Yeah, but most times people who say "someone else said this" just don't have the guts to say what they think your face.
I'm just not going to let her get away with that comment, am I?
Maybe I need a nap....
:)
Hugs - I'll quit gnawing on your friend now!
Too true Chicklet - the closer I inch towards the 5 year mark on this journey, the more I realise that my type of grief for the situation is just that pure grief that I can FACE but may not ever GET OVER.
Thinking of you.
xxx
You are not delusional (this is for the previous post). "Getting over" implies, at least to me, that what you are 'hung up on' is petty. This is not. It's definitely a process, and the stages are not sequential. Give yourself the time and space you need. I'll be thinking of you and thank you for your comment.
I was also thinking why your friend that it was even appropriate to share something hurtful with you that wasn't even going to help you in any way.
Chicklet, you did it again! You took the words right out of my mouth. How do you do that? To me, I think I'm grieving not for the loss of a family member or friend, but for the temporary loss of what I thought my life would be at this stage. All I know is that grief sucks. I wished I lived closer to you, I think we'd have some good conversations. :-) You take care girlie.
Here from ICLW. Grieving is so hard and personal. My own mother (who had had recurrent pregnancy loss) told me to get over it. That I had to move on. I was devastated. I needed time, I couldn't just get over it, I had to deal with it.
You deal, you cope, you don't just get over it. Best of luck do you.
Heya My Canadian friend!
Wanted to let you know that I gave you an award... You can check details here: http://theidlemindofbeth.blogspot.com/2008/11/fabulousness.html
Just catching up. So many good posts and I really don't know where to start.
I like what loribeth said about not getting over this but through this. Only you can find the way through it, on your own terms. You have a lot to grieve.
Other people suck!
Someone said you're grieving a dream, and I think that says it well.
You will find your own way to making peace with infertility on your own timeline.
hugs. I think everyone is right here, you do need to grieve and its ok to be sad, upset, mad whatever!
here from iclw
Chicklet - this is the best post I have ever read.
I have nothing else to add.
You've taken the thoughts right out of my head. Take all the time you need to grieve. As one who has been in your shoes I can tell you it's absolutely necessary.
I am forever frustrated by people who tell others how they should feel, especially when they are no where near standing in the same shoes. You have every right to be upset and grieving. While you might have not lost a physical child that existed in the flesh, you are grieving for a child who exists in your heart and facing the reality that she/he may never walk on earth. We all have to look that in the eye and I'll be damned if anyone tells me to get over it. It takes a truly feeble mind not to at least grasp a snippet of the enormity of this. Too bad your friend's friend is such a half wit and that you must deal with the leftovers.
yup grieve your butt off as far as I'm concerned. Really in a way it can be easier to loose an actual person, because it's real, it's "legit" people can see it, they can get it. BUT no one sees someoen grieving the loss of ever being pregnant, no one sees it because other then the inflation to our bodies from all those rounds of infertility there are no signs, you didn't develop a big pregnant belly that is no gone, you don't go to a funeral, but, you need to greive, I did, and I feel so much better for it (also dropped out of the blogging world - as great as it is it's sometimes great to escape and rebuild your self again without reading about pregnancy/ivf/loss). Hugs going across the Prairies...
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