A couple months back I met up with a friend who I'd ditched a few months earlier. A friend who it had gotten too HARD to be friends with, so I just stopped calling, I stopped emailing, and I stopped responding to ANY and ALL contact from her. And while that probably sounds harsh, sometimes, friendships just become more about FIGHTING and WORK than about the things friendship is supposed to be, and that's what THIS friendship in particular had become. It was nobody's FAULT per se, we'd both just changed a lot, so that's where we'd gotten to, and that's what I'd done.
And then she kept emailing, saying she thought our friendship was worth MORE. And she kept text messaging, saying one day I'd hopefully respond and see what SHE saw. And she kept calling, saying that she missed me. And none of this was done in ANY way whatsoever that was annoying, it was all instead done in ways that were intermittent, spaced out, and gentle enough that I felt like it was MY decision to do something, or not do something. And when the baby stuff is so OUT of my control, I think her approach is what sold me to eventually DO something. Because that something was in MY control.
So we met up, and at first, it was HARSH. I was mad and she was mad, and I'm pretty sure we spent the first hour - maybe TWO hours - BITCHING at each other about the things the other had done, GRIPING at each other about the way things made us feel, and even glaring a little bit when neither of us was willing to give.
And I won't say that eventually it all WORKED itself out or anything, but we got to a point where we could have a real conversation. We even got to the point that we've met up once since, and will even meet up again. But the thing is with this REAL conversation, it's still NOT and I don't think ever WILL be, the real conversation I can have with someone who GETS infertility. And by no means is that HER fault, it's just the reality of the situation. Because as someone who had her kids very easily, it's hard for her to understand how the little things set me off. And as someone who is surrounded by many OTHERS who ALSO had their kids very easily, it's also hard for her to understand that the little things are NOT little things. Which makes having a REAL conversation a bit of a dangerous place to go.
Because sometimes, talking to someone who DOESN'T get infertility - no matter how hard they try (and she IS trying) - it's like walking through a minefield. Walk 4 paces to the right, and KABOOM, they've said something that pisses you off. Walk 10 paces to the left, and KABOOM, they've said something that makes you cry. Walk 3 paces forward, and KABOOM, they've said something that wasn't even something THEY thought, yet it'll stick with you for months to come.
And the thing that stuck with me? It's when she told me that one of her OTHER friends thought I should just "get over" the fact that I can't have my own kids. That I should "just adopt". That I've "had enough time" to deal with all of this haven't I? And for me, it's not the latter two things that stuck, it's the first one - the "GET OVER" one. Because the thing that screams out to me in that sentence is that as fertiles, they believe I can just DECIDE to "get over" it. That it's in my CONTROL to "get over" it.
And yea yea yea, I'm sure some therapist somewhere would say that I COULD decide to "get over" it, that everything in MY life is in MY control, but honestly, is it? Because when I look at the last 3 years of this TTC crap, I see a lot of decisions that yes, WERE in our control. Did we want to keep trying? Yes. Did we want to move to IUI's? Yes. Did we want to move onto IVF#1 and even IVF#2? Yes and yes. Did/do I want to stop trying for our OWN kids? I don't know. However, that last question is COMPLETELY different than "did/do I want to GET OVER not being able to have our own kids?".
While I DID decide that I needed to face the reality that we may NEVER have our own kids, I don't know however that I can DECIDE to "get over" the reality that WE may never have our own kids. I think I can get more and more comfortable with it. I think I can cry less about it. And I even think that as time goes on, I CAN "get over" it one day - it can be something I'm OKAY that WE weren't able to do. But I don't know that I can DECIDE to "get over" it.
Because I, personally, don't know that anyone ever DECIDES to "get over" something - I think they instead decide they can FACE it, they decide they need to move PAST it, and they decide it's time to start DEALING with it all. But I think "getting over" it isn't a DECISION, it's just something that HAPPENS with time, and maybe you don't even KNOW you're over it, until one day you're SURPRISED that you're over it.
Do you agree? Am I delusional?
Sunday, 23 November, 2008
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36 comments:
Brilliant post, simply brilliant. You've captured a series of encounters I've had with friends who simply don't know where I'm coming from, and frankly, never will. Just as I'll never know what it's like to fall pregnant and live the "prototypical" mother role.
You also raise some important and difficult points around the issue of control. There are some things we can rationalize and control but other experiences that aren't that cut and dry. Emotions can't be regulated. They are what they are and they change rapidly based on the circumstances we find ourselves in. So very glad there are women like you in my extended universe who *do* "get it." You're the best!
I completely agree. I'm not convinced anyone really "gets over" being infertile or suffering losses. I think at some point, we can learn to live with things, but we don't necessarily have control over when we "get over it," if ever.
Regardless, people should keep thoughts like that to themselves. No matter what they think, it is none of their fucking business how or when you learn to deal unless you offer it up. Especially coming from someone who is supposed to be your friend (even if the initial thought came from someone else). A friend should be there to support you, even when they don't understand or can't empathize. This is what good friends do. What did she think the purpose was in telling you what her other friend thought?
I so totally get you, and I so totally agree with you, and you've said it way better than anyone has. As I was reading I kept saying to myself, "Yes, that's exactly right, that's exactly how I feel/felt!"
As for whether you are delusional or not . . . on this topic you certainly are NOT. On other topics . . . hmmmmm. . . hehehe!
that's a good and intriguing post and I am not even one of those IFers!!
I think that only someone who has never been through what you are going through can say "get over it" and assume that it will be easy. They have no idea what you have been through and are continuing to go through.
I think that it is like grief - you can't JUST get over it, but one day you suddenly realise that it no longer causes you the pain that it once used to.
Not delusional.
It was shitty for her to even say those things to you. Would she tell someone with inoperable cancer to just get over it? I don't think so.
Bloorb,
First time reading your blog - and this post is dead-on. I love your writing style - and yes (KABOOM) those who don't get it might just be better off shutting up. Minefield is a really good way to put it.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that you can't just say "ok, over it now" - because this is about where you're at (and where MANY of us are at) emotionally.
And people just do not get how much their words hurt.
I'm glad you've reconciled with your friend, although it sounds like there are probably plenty more kabooms to come no matter how well-meaning she is.
hang in there!
Mo
www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com
I agree with you 100% on the getting over it thing. What the hell does anyone who hasn't walked in the shoes of a woman with IF know. If one of her kids up and died would anyone dare say she should get over it. No. People should mind their own business.
ICLW
Your analogy of the minefield rings to true. I guess one of the few things that I have learned is that no matter where the infertility journey takes someone, you never 'get over' IF. It truly seems impossible.
Maybe it would be easier to ask fertile people to 'get over' their ignorance...
Best of luck to you in the minefield.
So well said. It's true, on all levels.
And it's funny... for me, anyway... it was the third part that would have stuck with me, not the first or second. Because fertiles don't get it, they don't understand, nor will they ever. So I can give them the benefit of the doubt when they say "just get over it and adopt."
But the last part? That KILLS me. Because who the fuck are they to set a time limit on grief? Who are they G-D or something?
Meh.
And your last paragraph? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
I agree with you so very completely.
'Get over' it?!?! Are they f*@king crazy? I look at people who adopt and I am so in awe of them. It is a wonderful, admiring thing to give a child a warm, loving home. But what I really admire? The fact that they have been able to accept they can't grow children in their own womb. I never for a moment thought they 'got over it' but had the strength to overcome it.
To me, getting over it means facing a horrible situation by adapting to it all. I'm not sure, either, that the choices given to us going through infertility are, in fact, choices. I'm having to adapt to simply not having enough money, just yet, to start IVF because my state doesn't offer infertility coverage. So, now it's a race against time. Again, the choices are hard and unfair, which means every choice made is done by necessity and it's not as simple as some people make it. Blah....
Maybe it's because you're my sister that I want to punch them both out, but I don't think so. After knowing so many women with IF issues, this kind of stuff infuriates me. Maybe her insensitive & clueless friend would reconsider her 'thoughtful wisdom & advice' if she actually took a minute to think about all that you & others deal with every day.
It's not your job to educate the clueless - it's so unfortunate that people don't think before they speak. They have no idea how much their words cut & will be remembered.
You can tell your 'friend' that you were talking to a few friends & they had a lot of choice words to offer...
M
You are so not delusional.
People who haven't been through something to "get over" sometimes lack empathy for others who have.
Tha is, until they have something to "get over" themselves.
If we're lucky, we live long enough to have things to "get over."
Hers will come. She'll suddenly see the light. And you won't even need to say, "See?" She'll feel like a total heel.
I agree with the others. Excellent example of the minefield.
There are some things you just don't "get over". People who don't understand infertility drive me up the wall too. Here from ICLW.
Perhaps she might be open to closing her eyes and imagining her children were no longer with her. Ask her how long it would take to get over that. It doesn't have to be technically comparable to your situation, the emotion behind it is of the same depth.
You don't "get over it". You just learn to live with it. Like people have to learn how to live without an arm or leg. The hole in your heart stays open, but you go on.
The grief I've experienced is inconstant. It comes and goes. I don't purposely dwell on it but sometimes I hear someone calling their child by the name I had chosen for my first child and I am reminded all over again. I can dream another dream, live the life that is before me, but THAT dream, the one I had imagined for years, waited for years, is irreplaceable. I grieved that child. And then I grieved for the woman that I thought I was going to be with that child. I had suffered a loss of dreams, a loss of faith, a loss of dignity, and I did not CHOOSE THAT. I am not who I planned on being and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a different thing. This is what I wish your friend would understand.
I don't think you ever really "get over it." There's no closure, time does not erase grief. What does happen, is that over time you realize that you can and are living your life, despite having bad things happen, and some things are actually going well. But it's nothing that you can force or push on yourself.
Excellent post. So sorry you have to deal with her crap. I totally agree with you. If I don't get my "take home baby," I will NEVER get over it.
Oh my stars what a sticky situation. I have no advice - I was there too once.
I don't think you ever get over it - yes you face it but you learn to live with it. Some friendships are better off ... finished off and you move on.
Good luck on your journey.
The whole 'get over it' thing irks me, personally. If only it were that simple.
J
Just like others said before me, you are NOT delusional, and I totally get you, too. One thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is 'empathy'. We talk a lot about other people in our lives not understanding our lot in life and not really being supportive, and then we explain it away (partially) by saying that they can't understand until they've been through it. While I understand that this is very true, I wonder why? Why do they have to have experienced what we have experienced (or are experiencing) in order to support us? One thing that infertility has definitely taught me is that loss is loss -- it's hard and we should support each other through it -- no matter what. (Can I hear an amen?) I am determined NOT to let anyone I care about ever go through anything difficult alone or without support or encouragement from me. I'm not sure that it's IMPORTANT that others understand exactly what we're going through or that they understand all of these 'minefields' and the way we respond to troublesome holidays, birth announcements, baby showers, kids' birthdays, etc., etc. Afterall, they haven't walked in our shoes. HOWEVER, what IS important is that they listen when we explain why we respond as we do. What's important is that they TRY to put themselves in our shoes. If my sister is hurting, it doesn't really make a damn bit of difference to me whether or not I personally understand it -- I'm going to be there ready to tell someone off for her, support her, hug her, whatever it is she says she needs. This is exactly what I wish for each and every one of you. I know that I can't make everyone out there sensitive to our plight, but I can do my best to make myself sensitive to theirs. Anyone with me?
I agree with you 100%. Very well said. Unfortunately there are some ppl that will never understand and get it. It's sad that it's okay for them to say and think those things, but for some reason, it's not okay for us to be and think the way we are.
At any rate, you are right in your thoughts.
I have never dealt with infertility, but I have known others that have and I believe it to be like any other grieving process. You can't simply choose to get over the pain. If you could choose the amount of pain you feel wouldn't you just choose to not feel any of it. If that was the case then we could all just "get over" everything without a second thought of the pain.
If you lost a child there is nothing that could replace that child, not even having another child can do that. I think it's probably similar with infertility, it's almost like you've lost a child. So even if you can "move on" to adoption and love that child more than anyone can understand it still does not replace that child you've missed. I don't know if I'm totally out of line on that one, but that's how I look at it. There is no rule for how long grieving lasts or what is appropriate to grieve over. Of course infertility involves a grieving process, we all dream of having our own children, if that dream is taken away of course it is going to be difficult to deal with and people should understand that pain.
"Get over it" sounds like something Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura will say. And I don't trust any doctors who you call by their first name.
Anyone with half a brain and some sensitivity would not have said that. And you don't have to be infertile to know that.
Your friend may not have the empathy to understand your trauma.
As for "getting over it", I'm still not over it.
I think you are 100% completely spot on. When I think about the things I have "gotten over" it is usually that I didn't even notice it had happened until I realized that it was somehow just not a thing anymore. College boyfriend, annoying thing my mom said, mosquito bite - it almost doesn't matter what it is - the only way to really be over something is to have it be so over that you didn't even notice for a while.
oh, I would have wanted to SLAP and SHAKE her.
really an excellent post. you nail it on so many levels. love the minefield example. really great comments too. WE get it.
Yes, yes! I'm almost ten years past my battle with infertility (we adopted) and I'm not "over it" . . . as you said, you decide to move forward but part of you will always grieve. Good post.
You are not delusional. You are completely on point with this. This is NOT something you can just get over. It sticks with you forever. You can learn to deal with it better. Time (and I mean years) can blunt the hurt. But, it is always a part of who you are...even if and when you do have a baby. Infertility changes you forever.
{{{Hugs}}} and prayers
ICLW
I'm sorry you are having to deal with your friends like this. I too have friends that simply don't understand. I had one ask if I wanted to help out in the nursery at church. Yeah completely clueless. I do my best to just keep that part of my life away from the people that don't understand. I don't blame them but I'm not about to share with them either.
ICLW
I totally agree with this post. You have hit the nail on the head. I can't ever imagine "getting over" this, even if we were successful in conceiving further down the line. Infertility has definitely changed us. That's what I hate most about IF, the fact that it is so insignificant and inconceivable for those who have never experienced it.
since when are people able to schedule grief? I didn't realize it could expire...
And OH MY GOD YES: "and maybe you don't even KNOW you're over it, until one day you're SURPRISED that you're over it."
Yeeeeooowuch. You're a better person than I am, I'd have smacked her in the mouth after the get over it and adopt comment. She'll never get it.
I love how you've written this post! I've had many conversations with the CAPS in just those same places....
Aack. I'm so sick of these people. Isn't there another planet we can send them to? Then we might have a bit more room down here.... :)
Hang in there, my dear!
And another thing, grief isn't linear. It circles around and bites you on the butt just when you think you've made progress. Everyone has to deal with it on their own time line.
K - done ranting....sorry for the multi-post! What is it with Blogger eating all my posts??
How are you supposed to get over something that just keeps giving and giving? You try different treatments to get around infertility and they don't work. You try something that does work and your body rejects. You try something that works and you get a baby, but if you want that baby to have siblings, you're back in the same boat.
And if you do find a way to make peace with infertility, that doesn't mean you're not going to find annoying fertile people any less annoying, or that you'll be any less envious of pregnant ladies.
I can see why you stopped responding to her overtures. What she said was very insenstive. I'm sorry
Well Chicklit you do have the option of ending your relationship with this insensitive bitch and making a clean break. I would advise that. But then again I have very few friends left.
After a Thanksgiving weekend that lasted four days with my sister-in-law and her over privileged children, I found that I was crying myself to sleep last night. My normally caring husband yanked the pillow out from under my head and yelled at me to "SNAP OUT OF IT."
Today was the first time I ever really considered leaving him. Honestly though, if I had to listen to my blubbering over the last five years, I think I'd do the same.
Im totally behind on this, and all the rest of the comments are brilliant, but I just wanted to add that in NO way are you delusional or any form OF the word...some people just.dont.get.it...and its hard to face the fact that some of them never will...to hear "get over it" is like a knife cutting--ugg, just makes me angry. Anyway, theres my babble-just wanted you to know you rock regardless=)
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