This weekend, the husband and I took off to meet up with the Bestest Friend, her husband, and their two kids. And while normally one of the FIRST things I'd make sure to pack would be a pile of CD's for the drive, with the husband's CD player [in the truck] on the outs, and us STILL not having really talked about what the hell it is we're gonna do next, I turned the drive into what most men would consider their WORST nightmare. I turned it into the perfect time to CHAT. Chat 5-6 hours there, chat 5-6 hours back, chat chat chat chat chat chat CHAT.
And while we admittedly didn't spend the WHOLE time chatting about our "issues", we did spend a LOT of it chatting about our "issues". We talked a lot about how HE right now, would rather just AVOID the whole thing. We talked a lot about how *I* right now, just need a fucking decision. We talked a lot about how HE right now, would rather just take a break from it all. We talked a lot about how *I* right now, feel like a break IS a decision (because why, after freedom from all of this would I EVER want to return to it).
But mostly, we figured out that for once, we're actually on pretty DIFFERENT sides of this thing. And not only are we on different SIDES of this thing, but we really weren't for once, even SEEING each other's side.
Cuz while I, chicklet, am NOT good at limbo, and being in this LIMBO for 3 freakin' years now has sucked the life out of me more than a time or two, what HE wasn't seeing was that this isn't ALL about the limbo. It's also about the control, and the power, and not JUST of having a final decision, but also of my BODY again. Cuz while HE goes through this daily/weekly/monthly, I sometimes go through it minute by minute by minute.
*I* am the one who feels every twitch, itch, and cramp, and wonders - even when I don't WANT to wonder - whether it means something. *I* am the one who dreads looking at her underwear a couple times a day, every day, for SEVENTEEN long days. And *I* am the one who can't run too hard for fear of overstimulating my already over-stimulated ovaries, can't bathe too long for fear of overheating my already fertilized eggs, and can't do a bunch of other shit I can't think of at the moment but know I can't do when I'm stuck in the throes of cycling.
What HE wasn't seeing, was that for me, this isn't just about the wanting and failing and not being able to take failing ANY MORE; it's about me going through this DIFFERENTLY than he does, MORE than he does. And what *I* wasn't seeing, was that him not wanting to quit just yet isn't him just being a dumbass who won't face reality, it's about him being able to sleep for the next ten, twenty, and thirty years.
Cuz while HE, husband, is definitely more interested in continuing trying than I am, it's actually not because he can't let go and face what I call "our very possible reality"; it's that for he, husband, it's about feeling like we did everything we could BEFORE facing "our very possible reality". And while he doesn't know WHY three is his magic number, and he knows that deep down, three may not even BE his magic number, he does know that with three under our belts, he'll sleep a lot easier in ten, twenty, and thirty years than he would with only TWO tries under our belts.
So what does a girl who doesn't want to try anymore and a boy who doesn't want to stop yet DO? Well, we came up with a compromise. A compromise that needs to be stewed over a few more days to be sure it's not just a compromise for the SAKE of a compromise (uh, ending the damn annoyingly LONG conversation!), but a compromise that a few weeks to months ago we'd have NEVER come up with, so maybe, finally, we're getting somewhere.
Sunday, 19 October, 2008
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16 comments:
omG. These were the same exACT conversations we had. The guy and the gal most definitely deal with this issue in very different ways.
I am so pleased that you found a possible plan that is acceptable to you both.
You two are pretty special, ya know?
My husband and I must have had more or less that same conversation at least twice...
I have to say, I always want to just end it all after a failed cycle. I always feel a need to call it quits, officially. But he manages to get me thinking again every time...
I just dont' think the guy understands because he isn't the ont that "has things happen to them".
what you're gonna leave us HANGING? just kidding. so true how we process it all SO differently.
my hub didn't want me to do anymore treatment though, so we had a different issue...
glad you are at least making progress on the decision-making front.
A man's nightmare, a long trip, a captive audience! But sometimes its necessary because no one really wants to have these conversations.
Glad you seem to be breaking through to a plan of action (or no action) I think the deciding is the most stressful thing ever. We are the other way round, he is all for moving on whilst I'm just not ready to accept all these years have been for nothing. And, while there is no escaping to the probable reality, its a difficult place to be.
Thanks for your comments earlier, i know you do get it and, whilst its nice someone truly understands, I so hate that for you because it means you're as mixed up as me. We will both come out the other end though, one way or another.
Men experience this in such a different way than us women do.
I'm glad that you seem to have come to a comprimise and I pray that the comprimise (I totally misspelled that but cannot fix it - brain dead) works for the both of you.
xxx
I'm glad that you've had THE chat and come to a compromise that works for both of you. ((HUGS))
Man, my husband and I are having the exact same conversation, just minus the compromise solution part. After 5 IVF cycles + 2 DE cycles + 4 dud pregnancies I just can't take it any more. I said I wished he could do the next cycle, he said he wished he could too, that way he would feel more in control. I feel like we would be in a lot more control with adoption. Well, we'll see.
Having had quite a few experiences with the 2 week wait, I can say with confidence that it can be a special kind of hell where both hope and dread exist. Clearly it's women's work. It's such a hard thing for both men and women to live with each other's point of view and I hope that your plan works for both of you.
I really, really, really hope you can get there.
Congratulations on finding uninterrupted chat time! I never seem to be able to talk over ESP.N
It has been TTC that truly made me understand that men are from Mars and women from Venus. We both want children, but we don't come at it from even remotely the same place.
I am glad to hear you found a place to compromise because there is a LOT of space between Mars and Venus.
It's a pretty big, and tough decision.
I'm glad the two of you can talk about it, even though talking is something most men avoid like the plague :)
xx
J
My husband and I had the same conversation - although we ended up on different sides of the fence than you. Our compromise was a break, and while it may not have been either of first choices, it turned out to be a helpful chance to process things and think about next steps. I hope you've come with one that works for you!
It felt like my life rewinded while I read this post. It's so important to be in alignment but getting there, well, it's easier said than done. Just know that talking it out is huge progress. Very proud of the way you're managing through this.
A very happy birthday to you (forgot to mention it in the last comment)...
Wow. I feel like I can just know the vibe in the car for that drive from reading this. I'm certainly no expert, but it sounds like you guys have great communication skills to be able to work through how differently you are seeing and experiencing things and to come up with a compromise that works for both of you.
Glad you both talked and found to be on different pages. Different pages can suck but it sounds like you ended up hearing each other and maybe understanding each a little more.
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