Doh de doh de doh... waiting... waiting... and more waiting. This time though, at one week past transfer, I'm just kinda rolling with it. I did have me the little coffee episode, but other than that, meh.
The thing I'm actually finding surprising this time is how UNemotional I am. Yea yea, according to the FERTILES of the world, THIS mentality is probably THE thing that'll freakin' work for me, and I'm sure if it works that'll be ALL I'll hear about for YEARS to come, but I figure if it DOES work, I'm gonna be telling all SORTS of stories about how I became a crack whore, and THAT lifestyle? Well THAT that is the reason I'm pregnant. And when I TELL those stories? I will not laugh, I will not smile, and I will not even blink. I will tell EACH and EVERY one of them with ALL seriousness, that I really DON'T know whose baby it is. And I will stick to my story until the day I die.
And if it DOESN'T work? Well, then I guess we'll know that my ute prefers neither FRESH nor FROZEN - it prefers empty. And I don't say that in a "woe is me" kinda way, I actually can REALLY say that I say it in a "okay, we have to figure some shit out" kinda way. Cuz while I'm pretty okay with the whole damn thing this time, I am NOT okay with carrying this on any longer. I am NOT okay with putting our lives on hold any further. And I am NOT okay with putting us through this any more.
It's not to say that I'm not interested in adoption - that's still something we're batting around, quite a lot - it's just to say that I'm not interested in doing any more MEDICAL treatment. For the husband's sake, we really MIGHT do more medical treatment, cuz he's in a different place than I am mentally and that's something we need to work out between us, cuz for HIM, I'd do anything, and if one more try is what he needs, I can do that for him, GLADLY. Cuz it's not like I don't want the same end result. It's just that for ME, going into another medical cycle means a whole LOT of implications, and those implications are PRECISELY where I'm coming from when I say I'm NOT okay with doing this any longer.
Because what happens if we do a third IVF and it doesn't work? Mentally and emotionally, I can probably take THAT failure, cuz right NOW, I really feel I can take a lot - it's the decisions that come AFTER that failure that I don't believe I can take. It's the length of TIME a third IVF could commit us to that I don't believe I can take.
Cuz in a COMPLETELY fucked up way, I worry that even if IVF#3 fails, it'll be successful in that it'll generate a bunch of embryos to freeze, and a bunch of embryos to freeze will mean MONTHS or even YEARS more of this. And I really just need this to end. I need us to move on. I need to focus on something OTHER than my ute and my cha cha. But with frozen embryos, sitting there, unused, I can't just WALK AWAY from that.
Right now however, with NOTHING left in the freezer, I CAN comfortably walk away from all of this. It'll be a horribly SAD walk away, and I'm assuming an extremely LONG walk away, but I can in fact WALK AWAY, because the husband and I, we're two of the lucky ones. We each found someone who makes us laugh almost EVERY SINGLE DAY, so for us, there WILL be happiness after all this, just DIFFERENT happiness. But with something or someTHINGS in the freezer? We're tied to this, for who the hell knows HOW much longer, possibly just delaying that LONG walk away, possibly just delaying that DIFFERENT happiness.
Thursday, 4 September, 2008
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16 comments:
yep. it's tough to walk away but its even harder when you're not in the same place about what's next. wishing you well in the wait and hoping you won't have to think about that...
Chicklet, I hope whatever the outcome you figure out the best path for you. It's a hard road,
J
It is such a tough call and I can totally see what you are saying. I hope the outcome of this means that call won't have to be made.
I can totally see where you are coming from. Even though we are early in our journey it feels like we are putting off so much. And what if pregnancy never happens? We will be left with years that are like a black hole in our history together.
Maybe your next chapter has already been decided for you - just a few more days and you will find out!
The cycle I did completely relax and not stress about it - too emotionally worn down at that point I think - is the one that worked for me. I don't tell people that (well, besides you) because I don't want to be one of "those" stories that infertiles get told.
Girl.. I know exactly what you mean.. ~HUGS~
i so want this one to be the one... xomegan
I'm with you Chicklet - about the finding the person who makes you laugh each day and finding a different kind of happiness if one decides to walk away...
I'm praying that you won't have to make that choice!
xxx
Good luck! I hope this works for you!
Wow, what a good post. Not because it's all full positiveness or happiness...but b/c of how open it is. Thank you for that.
It is hard to think about when enough is enough for all of us. Sometimes you're head has to decide for your heart...or vice versa.
However, whatever you decide after this cycle, I wish you the best. BUT, and that's a major BUT, I hope that this outcome is very positive. Oh yeah, and I totally love the idea of telling everyone you don't know who the daddy is and goin' with the crack lady story:-)
You're a good person to want to potentially do this again for your husband's sake. I hear what you're saying on the implacations though... extra embryos to freeze etc..
I hope you make the right decision for you. But wait, hang in there. Let's see what your ute has to say first.
I hope you can both reach a point where you are comfortable with the next step, whatever that may be.
I hope you can both come to a decision about this that makes you happy...but, more than that, I hope this FET works for you.
Quite a conundrum, it seems. Just do what works for you guys. I know that this has been (and is) a hard and crappy road. And while it's completely unfair, I'm glad that you're able to find some kind of peace with it all.
I am having some of the same thoughts run through my head. Since the last IVF flop, I've desperately tried (and mostly succeeded) in getting IF out of my head. It meant diving into other things and having this IF thing being a sideshow - which included not blogging as much. And, I'm so sorry that I didn't even know you were doing an FET! Being that you are one of my favorite reads!
For me, I just want to know that I've really tried. Hard. That's sort of become my new goal.
I truly hope that this is the end of the road for you! And I mean that in all kinds of "positive" ways!
I wonder if there's ever a stopping point. Ever really a point where you say, "I'm definitely done, there's no more, FINIS!"
I'm not there yet, despite two pregnancies, one miscarriage, four kids, and a lot of sleep deprivation. What is WRONG with me?
I hope that this cycle is the one for you so that you don't have to keep wondering where the endgame is for you. I hope that you find what you're looking for at the end of the rainbow.
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