As an apparent VETERAN of this bullshit now, I really feel like I'm going into this transfer (end of the month) pretty realistically.
Cuz while I know that with this round, we have a lot of hurdles to clear in just GETTING to transfer, I also know that there's way LESS hurdles this time in getting to transfer. There's no pressure on how many eggs I get, or what quality they are, or even how many fertilize. The story's straight, it's already set, it's a done deal - we've got two, they're A- and B+, and they're already fertilized.
And while they may or may NOT survive the thaw, and we still have that whole "will they stick" hurdle to deal with, none of it's as scary, as exciting, or REALLY, even as interesting as the last two times. And it's not that I think I WON'T be scared, I WON'T be excited, or I WON'T be, dare I say it, HOPEFUL... It's just that after two failed IVF's, as well as all that OTHER crap we went through before we even got to IVF, well I kinda feel like I've ALREADY had my soul ripped out and stomped all over, and if I can get over THAT, why couldn't I get over this? Cuz this? On the scale of things? Meh, bring it on.
And yea yea, I know that once I actually get into the 2WW, I may be a huge MESS of emotions all over again, but I also kinda think I won't be. Partly because we just had a really fabulous trip, and I am in a WAYYYYY better mental place* than I've been in a really really long time. Partly because the husband and I have been discussing all SORTS of other paths to happiness, and I'm okay with ALL of those paths. Partly because we've just been beaten so far down, that emotionally, I'm finally able to be pretty freakin' DETACHED from all of this. So far detached in fact that the husband and I have already discussed IVF#3 - one of MANY possible paths we might take, and where we each sit on it, cuz we both know now, that ANYTHING is possible.
And while to SOME, I'm sure this whole thing I'm doing would appear PESSIMISTIC rather than REALISTIC, for me, it really doesn't FEEL pessimistic. I don't feel NEGATIVE about this round, I don't feel ANGRY about this round, I don't even feel like there's no POINT to this round. I just feel like I know what can and can not happen, and considering we've always been on the side of can NOT, well, it's quite possible we'll be there again.
And for me, there's quite a difference between feeling like it's quite POSSIBLE we'll be on the can NOT side again, vs feeling like we WILL be on the can NOT side again - cuz the latter, is NOT what I feel. I truly DON'T feel like this is pointless and won't work, but I truly DO feel like I just don't have a clue which side we'll land on. So we'll see.
*If I get knocked up this round and anyone DARES mention that the vacation did jedi-mind-tricks to RELAX me, the next you'll hear of me will be the papers announcing my arrest for their beating...
12 comments:
FYI: If you do get knocked up this cycle, the vacation had NOTHING to do with it. It will still involve an RE, drugs, an embryo transfer and a huge lack of sex.
The vacation was just something to do over the summer while waiting for the FET.
Lots of luck being sent your way.
You don't sound pessimistic at all to me. Nothing but pure realism goin on here, folks.
I'm going to line up for my beating now. ha.
Wishing you all the best for the FET Chicklet... and erm, the holiday was just that - a divine holiday... nerthing to do with getting knocked up soon ;)
To add to your footnote - My SIL actually said this to me after we told her we were preggo: "You'll just have to go on a vacation everytime you want to get pregnant!"
Nevermind the drugs, follicle scans, IUI, more drugs, right? Idiot!
Anyway, I don't sense pessimism at all and realistic is a good place to be.
LOVE your disclaimer at the end!
You will hear no mention of the whole relaxation = babies BS from me. It sounds like the vacation was fabulous, especially because it helped re-set you mentally. Everybody needs that sometimes.
It sounds like a good place to be in . . .
Sending lots of luck and strength to you!!
I can relate to your feelings. I found this cycle so much less traumatic. I'm not saying I wasn't down or fed up when it didn't work but it was much easier to suck it up and move on. I really thought I was pregnant this cycle so this wasn't based on a lack of hope, just-like you said-practice at being on the wrong side.
I hope, of course, you get that lovely surprise of being on the right side but I also think there is a comfort in knowing you will get through this no matter the outcome.
And the poo story. I can't imagine. How awful that you have this, it must be really scary. And I can't tell you how glad I was to read the 'happy' ending. I wasn't sure what was coming! So glad you got there even if it was all rather bizarre.
I so so get this. I had all kinds of huge expectations for my FET. I mean when the internet is funding your cycle it is hard not to feel like you HAVE to come through. But something sort of clicked in my head right before I started the lovely estrogen- I realized that it is either going to work or not work and that was NOTHING I could do to sway it one way or the other. It felt like I was being pessimistic- but in retrospect I think it was just being pragmatic. Rather than a glass half full or half empty- I just saw that there was a glass.
um...hope that makes sense.
Regardless- I am really effing happy that the time is getting near for you.
I will simply wish you the best of luck and make no mention of the vacation angle because I too would hit the bearer of such assvice,
xx
J
Seriously, I heard the whole vacation thing is fool-proof. Fool-proof. As in, you're 100%-sure-to-be-knocked-up, natch.
In all seriousness, I don't think Plan B's represent pessimism. I think they show clarity and forethought and are insurance plans. Having an insurance plan doesn't mean you think your house is going to burn down, but we buy one nonetheless because if "just in case" happens, we need to know what comes next.
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