Annacyclopedia had a really raw post this week about her cycle being done. In it, she calls people things I only DARE to write down in this blog, and expresses her anger in ways I think full-on match some of my angriest days in this crap called infertility. And while her post was really personal, and I hate that ANYONE would ever have to get to the point she's at, it really made me realize I'm past that point. Three fucking years of this bullshit to get here, but for ME, I'm finally here.
And that's not saying I'm BETTER than she is, or I've gone through MORE than she has, or that I'm belittling even an OUNCE of what she's going through right now - so please don't interpret this in ANY of those ways. It's just saying that in my personal "journey", I've finally reached a point of indifference. And it's a pretty good place to be in.
To be clear here, when I say indifference, I don't mean that I don't CARE whether or not we have kids - we both still want them (we wouldn't be doing this FET if we didn't), I just mean indifference like I finally feel like I've done everything in my power to have a kid, and while my body may not seem to want to do that, CRACK WHORES bodies DO do that, so *I* am not to blame for this.
And THAT'S where I think the indifference really comes in - finally. Because for the LONGEST time there, I felt like I WAS to blame, like my bad habits with SUGAR or WINE were the problem. Like the stress of my JOB was a factor. Like the lack of bloodflow to my hands and feet were a SIGN that I was somehow not taking proper "fertile care" of myself so I was somehow to BLAME for all this.
So thinking I WAS to blame for all this, I went through the craziness we all go through, and I CLEANED HOUSE, and by HOUSE, I mean my body. We ate mostly organic, we cut sugar and wine out almost COMPLETELY, we signed me up for ACCUPUNCTURE and HERBS, we took my exercise down to MODERATE, etc etc etc. And you know what I got for all that? NODDA. ZIP. ZILCH. No baby for you! Crack whores however? Babies for them.
And while that thought might've made last year's me really angry? This year's me uses that VERY thought to keep me going, because in MY view, crack whores need a whole LOT of fixing, yet THEY still get pregnant. So me? I don't need no fixing, cuz "fixing" is not the problem.
Saturday, 23 August, 2008
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12 comments:
I felt the same way. Changed my diet completely, deprived myself of things I love (sugar, wine, etc.), spent a fortune on assherbs and acu-crack, did visualization and and everything else you could imagine including being HOPEFUL-- and NADA! fthere was no "fixing" me. f*ck that.
Ain't it a torturous journey to get there? To realize that them's the breaks, and there's nothing you did to cause this, so therefore nothing you can do to "fix" this?
I, myself, am so much happier now that I started drinking coffee with caffeine again. Nothing I did helped, so it's time to stop doing things anymore. And it definitely has helped me feel better.
Yep- sure ain't your fault. It just really really sucks.....
J
I went through a similar period blaming my body and trying to change all sorts of habits. It is kind of freeing to realize that it's out of your control. It's also a hard thing to hang on to, so I hope the feeling sticks!
Hey Chicklet - I can't tell you how stoked I was to get your comment, and then to click over to find an actual reference to my post. Dude! I confess I am a total lurker here at Bloorb and feel like a giddy fan in an airport right now.
I totally hear what you're saying, and it's good to know that there is an end to what I'm up to my tits in right now. It is so beautiful to know that there is a place where you can hold your body with as much compassion as you describe here - i.e. that you can accept that you have done everything you can possibly do, and leave the rest up to the universe, or fate, or whatever. I'm not quite there yet, but it's good to know that such a place exists.
Thanks.
Thanks for this post. It feels good to be able to say, "Yeah!! Me, too!!"
Just yesterday Hubby even said, "Your telling me THEY can have five kids and we can't even have one?!?!"
Preaching to the choir, love.
Annacyclopedia, that was the COOLEST reply comment ever! I feel so humbled yet rockin at the same time - woohoo! Glad it helped though:-)
I also did the clean house thing, for naught... We're not the problem, and I'm really hoping and praying that the FET is IT for you Chicklet :)
This post really struck a chord with me. If I hear one more person suggest a potential "fix" for somebody suffering from IF, I might just smack them or worse.
45 cycles - almost 4 years of my and hubby's lives desperately trying to make something that seems to come accidentally or easily to others.
I am indifferent over this cycle (final ART), so I guess it's a better place to be than miserable and filled with self-loathing. Just some anger at the universe that I can't seem to shake... and probably never will.
I'm a glass-half-empty kind of person, tho.
Hallelujah! Pass the crack!
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