This pic? It's of my hand for our very FIRST transfer in our very FIRST IVF. While the egg accumulation hadn't gone so well, the fact that we took pictures of EVERY SINGLE THING, including details like my very FIRST IV, his very FIRST surgical slippers, and our very FIRST barcalounger for ME (rather than him and his left hand), shows where we were at with that one, mentally.
And that's where this picture takes me, to a place that at the TIME, I thought was SOOOO complicated. Yet looking back, it was actually kind of a happy time. A simple time. A time when we REALLY didn't know yet that this would be much harder than we ever EVER could have anticipated.
Cuz with IVF#1, we were INSANELY full of hope. So full of hope, I have 7 folders on my "2007 collections" ZoomBrowser, that are all IVF-related photos. SEVEN.
So full of hope that we documented EACH and EVERY one of the steps. SEVEN FOLDERS WORTH.
So full of hope that we allowed ourselves to be really REALLY naive, and believe that even though things hadn't gone so WELL, we'd still have lots FROZEN, and things would still WORK that next time, with the FET, where maybe we'd take ANOTHER seven folders worth of photos.
And then we didn't have ANY frozen, and we didn't HAVE the FET. And we didn't take ANY photos cuz we were too damn busy getting drunk in Whistler, writing lyrics to songs that had previously driven us crazy.
And going through the rest of the 2007 folders, while I'd never EVER wanna go through all this again, I actually find it quite interesting that we had such a naive fascination with all of it.
Cuz back in the days of him doing his first sperm donation, I have photos of him even holding the PAMPHLET, learning the RULES of how he was to make that oh-so-special "donation"! Back in the days of the LAPAROSCOPY, I have photos he took of my poorly bandaged belly and my grimacing face as he made me pose for the damn things! And back in the days of the first IUI, I got him a freakin' CAKE to wish him luck, and took photos of that too!
Yet one good old bust with IVF#1, and that was QUITE enough to make the photographing expeditions NOT so interesting anymore. Cuz all the EXCITEMENT and BUILD-UP of going into something that's really SUPPOSED to fix things, and then having to come to terms with it NOT having fixed things, well it really changes how you approach things.
Take for example IVF#2. Whereas we had SEVEN folders with IVF#1, we're down to a measly TWO with IVF#2. And that's not me being all DOOM and GLOOM, it's just me realizing how much things have CHANGED for us in this. It's changed from us thinking how COOL it'd be to have a record of it all, to not wanting to have a record AT ALL, cuz it makes it that much more real. And annoying. And it makes you think more than you want. Which is something I'm quite content not to do much right now. Think.
22 comments:
How can you always manage to make me laugh and be sad at the same time?
I'm so happy you chose a picture of YOUR hand during YOU procedure rather than one of HIS hand during HIS procedure.
I miss my naive days of IVF #1. I was soooo conviced it was going to work. Now I expect that it won't. Pretty sad.
LOL at lori's comment!
Ah, the picture put me in a sad place (damn the passing of time and some knowledge) but then Lori's comment made me pee my pants. I think it's interesting to have this documentation of the mental change too.
Oh this bring back so many memories of our 1st IVF...and ties in a lot to what Ive been thinking about picture taking during cycles.
Thanks so much for sharing this-so emotional!
Agreed, Lori's comment made me giggle out loud. Thanks for that. I have a huge folder of crap from our first IVF. All the documentation is lined up, just in case (for what I dont know). I kept a journal of each doctors visit with all of my fsh numbers and follicle growth (mostly because I couldnt remember a damn thing once I left the office). But when we went to do our 1st and 2nd FET cycles, I just went through it without recording or doing anything. It's like I wasnt as desperate anymore since the first cycle was a success. But they both failed. Guess I need to put my tail between my legs and hunker down if I plan on IVF #2 (fresh cycle) working, because now I am that desperate again!
Oh - I forgot to mention, nice job on the new header. It looks great.
Cannot quite say that I miss the naive days of IVF, seeing that I'm living through it...yep, that's me!
My hand in a few days's time...
Boy can I relate to the not wanting to think bit. The journey is tough but I think that one day when you are holding your babies you might look back at those 7 folders of 2007 and the two of 2008 and be able to think it over after all...
Isn't it best to be naive and full of hope? I am sure it was a special time and glad you can look back on your journey.
Alyson LID 01/27/06 IA China
NCLM
I also miss my naive days too. I remember when you posted about your box of memories and how sad you were to find it full. I felt the same way about my picture frame of transferred embryos who didn't make it.
I think when I really started feeling sad was when I realized that the memories were of the procedures and process, but not the desired outcome. Those memories would be for me to mull over with regret, but not necessarily for me to share with my child, and tell them, "look at how much your dad and I wanted you."
oh wow. I remember those days too. The "I must document EVERYTHING days". I even started a journal that was going to be given to my child on some predetermined birthday. Had to stop writing in it when the text of the journal began to say things like, "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?!?!?"
sigh
but you do have some lovely hands...
Here via Mel's Show and Tell.
It's wonderful that you are able to be in a place that isn't all bitterness. Good for you!
(Having humourous friends like Lori must help!)
How compelling would a photo essay of the IVF experience would be? (Look at me - plans for getting you published!)
Thanks for sharing.
Oh, the good old days of "ignorance is bliss." Thanks for sharing this . . . we were THISCLOSE to going down the same road.
Thank you for this post and for google randomly leading me to you! My husband and I can completely relate to your story, to being so blissfully ignorant. We 've had 2 failed IVF's, the second ending in chemical preganancy/miscarriage. We are a month away from our first and last FET. We only have one embryo. We waited over a year to do the transfer b/c it was our only grip on hope we had left. It's funny how this thing called infertility messes you up. It's so hard when no one, including your own family can't comprehend any of it. I'm glad i have found women out there that share and express the same feelings I have, and sometimes can't express for myself. Thank you ad good luck to you all trying to have a baby!!
I never thought to take photos to document my IVF experiences. Maybe I should have, because I was young when I started and old by the time I was done.
Here from NCLM
just sending you some {{hugs}}
and i agree with lori -- i am glad its your hand... not his...
Thanks for the post - I loved it because it rings so true.
At what point do we stop being full of hope and naivity? I catch myself falling over and over again and I am still so early in my TTC journey.
Or maybe we toss hope out the window and just hang on to our sense of humor? That sounds more fun at least!
You are so incredibly crazy - you rock. I can't believe you took a picture of an IV in your hand. Sigh. You took me back with that picture and you described perfectly that hope, that naivete. I was just telling my friend last night that of how perfectly certain I was, how I had done all the "right" things, how I prayed so much, PAID so much, even joked so much.....
Haha, you're right Lori, so glad the pic was of your hand...
Here from the Mel' Show and Tell.
So many memories. We too have folders filled with photos of our first diui because we thought it had to work. Even after our success almost 2 years later it's hard to look at them.
hmmm maybe i knew i wasn't gonna get far with #1 because we have not one pic, nadda... and i'm a picture person.
I never thought about taking photos - it is a good idea. I did, however, save every paper the RE provided for my cycle. I still have it and will keep it forever.
Post a Comment