Well, so that last one, that was quite the DOOZY eh? Yea, in the heat of it, I really AM quite good at letting it fly. Not that I'm not STILL in the heat of it, and having a LOT of moments where I want to smash random things for no real reason other than I FEEL LIKE IT, but I'm also having a LOT of moments when I'm just plain overwhelmingly sad. Overwhelming being the key word here. Cuz all those PAST failures, well yea, they sucked TOO, but not like this. Cuz THIS one, well it feels like it might MEAN something. Something I really don't wanna face yet. Something I don't think I know HOW to face.
Most of those sad moments are when I'm given too much time alone with my thoughts, and I let myself think about what this REALLY might all mean. When I'm in the shower in the morning, and as the hot water starts to wake me up, I realize this is all so VERY real, and there really is NO escaping that fact. When I'm lying in bed, waiting for the husband to join me so we can sleep off our drunkenness, and I realize I'm drunk, cuz I CAN be drunk, cuz there's no reason NOT to be drunk. When I'm walking home from the grocery store, and I think about telling the husband I was spotting, and how I HATED telling him that, and I hated even MORE, watching him lean back into the couch, just looking COMPLETELY and UTTERLY defeated, muttering, "I'm just not ready. I'm really not ready for that yet."
So yea, it all just fucking sucks. Sucks sucks SUCKS. So the anger, the hostility, the swearing, and even the complete aversion to EVER WANTING TO TRY EVER AGAIN right now - it's really all about coping. And for ME, coping includes anger. It's what I used when my boyfriend beat me up at 15, it's what I used when my dad died suddenly at 19, and it's what I used when I divorced at 25. And no I'm not saying those things to make you feel sorry for me, I'm saying them to indicate that when bad shit happens to me, I get MAD. I get HOSTILE. And I channel the anger I'm so VERY good at channelling. (Apparently some of you are very good at channeling it too - cuz your comments were VERY funny in that fucked up way I needed.)
Cuz anger, well, it's one of the only things that gets me through. It helps me NOT be the pathetic withering mess I could fold into at ANY SECOND right now, it helps me limit the amount of tears I shed cuz GOOD GAWD I think I could cry all day every day, and it helps me be just a bit NUMB. Cuz being sad and feeling sorry for myself, well, I'm GONNA do it anyway, there's absolutely NO stopping that, so why NOT fight it just a BIT. Why NOT find a slightly less shrivelled up version of me. And why NOT be pissed off and yell all the things I REALLY think about how OVERWHELMINGLY awful this really is.
And why NOT use whatever it takes to get me through. And what it takes sometimes, for ME, is change. So between the yelling about how OVERWHELMINGLY awful this really is, will come something new (to this blog), something some of you may not like. While I WILL be writing about all the tearful patheticness going on in my house, and this WILL remain an infertility-DOMINATED blog with fucked up infertility humour, there's going to be non-infertility stuff too.
In the past, I haven't really written about my REAL life - there's been spurts and blurbs, but very little, cuz this was an infertility-ONLY blog. There were plans at some point, that I'd transition it to a MOMMY blog, but apparently that's not in the cards for me right now, so instead I'm going to transition it to a ME blog, where not much is off limits.
I realize that with change comes the risk of MORE change, so I realize that for some of you, reading about my plans for China, or my quest towards a SMOKING HOT body really isn't what you're interested in, but what *I'm* interested in right now, is the ability to be able to talk about anything I want to, the way I get to talk about infertility. NOTHING has been more therapeutic for me than having this outlet, NOTHING has reminded me how much I love to write than having this outlet, so I'm gonna stop limiting and editing myself, and use it the way I need to right now, and let it be an outlet for so much more.
*Updated to add: My site name and domain are changing. While the blogspot URL still works and should redirect you to the new space, please update your links to the new URL.
Sunday, 11 May, 2008
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20 comments:
You know what? This is your space so if you want to write about China, the smoking hot body, or any other topic that's on your mind, go for it. You ARE a KICK-ASS writer so with that in mind it would be hard to not read. Miss out on the world as Chicklet sees it? Never!
First, I would like to say that I'm sorry I didn't comment on your last entry. I wanted to, but I couldn't dig up any anger and that is what you needed, so I stayed silent. Your coping mechanism is anger and mine is sobbing and depression. I didn't want to bring you to a place that wasn't helpful for you... I did think that Deathstar had a great idea though... Set something on fire! I always feel better when I purge stuff and fire is the best way to do that! Stupid IF!
On to today's entry: I think one of the main purposes of blogging is to do some therapeutic purging of your soul. Therefore, whatever you want or need to write about, that is what is "appropriate" for your blog. Yes, it's hard not to think about what your audience might think, but that should definitely be a secondary thought. And, honestly, I am actually really excited to hear about your trip to China! And, frankly, I'm a little jealous! I think it will be an amazing experience!! Please share lots of pictures and details when the time comes!
Although many of us probably started reading your blog because it was an IF blog, that's certainly not why I KEEP reading. I like your writing and just reading about the way you think and process things. Doesn't matter what those things are, so spew away. No matter what the topic.
I love You Toots! Not infertile you. You know that. I want to hear all about your life because I think you see the world in a better way than I do. I hope it'll rub off a bit.
You get angry with the universe, give a shout for me too 'cause this is all so horrible and I am too knocked down to shout anymore.
I'm so sorry you need to be angry though, I want to hear you cheering. Sigh.
I agree, you should write about whatever strikes your fancy at the moment. I will keep reading because I like your style. Best wishes!
I will read about whatever you want to write about.
I want to read about whatever you've got going on...China, your hot body quest, the weather--whatever! I'm not going anywhere! :)
HUGS!
I liked the Fuck post. :) It was fuckin' awesome!
I tagged you for a meme on my blog. I figured you could start your writing about YOU, that way. :)
I'M interested in supporting YOU, whether it be in your quest for the SMOKING HOT body, the trip to China, the wine fund, or IF!
I'll keep reading, Chicklet.
J
I will be here no matter what you write about and no matter how ugly it might get. Long haul end of.
I am looking forward to reading more about "you" not just the IF part the entire "you". Please keep blogging.
Anger has gotten me through a lot of things, too. So has saying out loud a lot of highly inappropriate comments that pop into my head. I explain it as "sorry, i have no filter -- it pops into my head, and right back out of my mouth."
Let me tell you what has NEVER been helpful to me -- PATIENCE. I could strangle each and every person who has ever suggested it to me. And I am sure that if I were on trial, so long as one fertility-challenged woman was on that jury, I'd be sent home free. Patience has gotten me NOTHING. Being PROACTIVE, on the other hand, has gotten me plenty.
I love your mean thoughts, and your angry ones. You have a loyal audience, that is nodding right along with you -- I hope you know that!
As for me . . . I decided a while back to have two blogs. One for fertilty/adoption stuff, and one for my everyday ramblings. Just a thought.
XOXO.
I can't wait to hear more about you.
Chicklet, I'm just so sorry. There are no words. As always, I respect and admire your honesty in every word you type. I don't care if you write about dog crap. I will still be reading, as long as I'm welcome.
Bring on whatever topics you want. I'll be here!
Your last post really clubbed me over the head. I had a hard time with it because it's so full of the raw anger and emotion that still lives on for me. I've done a fairly good job of keeping it under control because I thought it was necessary to move on, but DAMN, your post brought it all back to the surface.
What you've experienced, what I've experience, what so many other couples have experienced is NOT something that can be swept under the rug. (Clearly, five years post-treatment has made that evident). I do look forward to reading about YOU. Keep writing 'cause I want to keep reading.
Lots of interest here in whatever you want to write about.
Bravo.
keep on channeling, and we will keep reading.
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