Last Wednesday, I started spotting, at 10DP3DT, spotting what WERE two very good embryos, spotting in what WAS IVF#2.
IVF#2...
And so, thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, it could be just a weird SCARE, I waited it out. I told the husband - cuz how could I sit on the couch next to him, and NOT tell him - but still, I waited it out. Hoping it would go away. Hoping it would end. Hoping it wouldn't be what I knew deep down it probably was.
And then Thursday morning, it was STILL happening. And all I could think was please please PLEASE, don't become something else. PLEASE, just remain spotting. PLEASE, don't end this. Cuz IVF#2, it was supposed to be the BETTER one, wasn't it? The one that WORKED, wasn't it? The one that ensured we weren't left behind, right? And yet that's not what it was at all.
Instead it was the one that had me calling the clinic Friday, 12DP3DT, telling them I would NOT be coming in for a beta, that I would NOT be taking any more progesterone, and that I did NOT want a follow up cuz I was having my fucking period and I was done. But uh, could they call me and confirm this is acceptable and there isn't any reason I SHOULD actually do all these things in case, maybe, they had some reason they could give me that this was NOT, in fact, over?
Instead it was the one that had the nurse calling me back halfway through the day, sounding so GENUINELY surprised that it hadn't worked, that I had to confirm TWICE - yes, TWICE, that yes, this HAD been going on for a FEW days, and yes, I HAD peed on a stupid stick, and yes, that stick WAS negative.
Instead it was the one that for four days STRAIGHT, had me crying on and off. Not crying on and off like ALL day long, but crying on and off like any SINGLE moment where I even paused to BREATHE, was just completely and totally taken over by how much this sucks, by what this might all really mean, and by how OVERWHELMINGLY sad the husband is right along with me.
Cuz while normally he's sad, he's not normally THIS sad. But this one, well it's kicked him to the ground right along with me. And while I'd never EVER want him to feel like he made me feel worse than I already do, cuz WORSE is really not the word for it, the truth is there's not much harder in life than seeing the HUSBAND beat down too.
Cuz me, well I GET beat down quite often with this crap, and then I CURSE and I SWEAR, and I write LENGTHY emotional posts and make terrible jokes, and I think about running RANDOM strangers over with my car, but that's what I do. It's how I cope. That's how this works.
But him, him being so UNBELIEVABLY sad, well that's NOT what he does, it's NOT how he copes, and this ISN'T how this works. Having it shift to him so MONUMENTALLY, having it take over him so COMPLETELY, I just don't know what to do with it. Cuz having it beat HIM down, well it's like realizing that this really IS as awful as you thought it might be, that there really MAY be no "by next time this year", and that all the money in the WORLD might not solve this.
Thursday, 15 May, 2008
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21 comments:
Sometimes I have felt like so much of this sadness and frustration has rested on me . . . well, the majority of "the problem" in conceiving is my husband, but then again it's my body that the m/c's happened inside.
It wasn't until m/c #3 that I witnessed what you described . . . a "shift" . . . in my husband suddenly being very upset. The memory of his eyes filling with tears, and kissing my belly as I m/c is still one that reduces me to choking sobs. (Deep breath).
We forget sometimes that all of this DOES affect our men, too. Even if its different or less pronounced, it does affect them. Even if all of the BS doesn't happen to or in their body, it affects them. It just is expressed or purged differently.
I am truly sorry for what you, and your guy, are going through. It just plain f'in sucks.
I am SO THERE.
yep. I know what you're saying. first on the crazy delusional hope thing -- like maybe this really is implantation bleeding even though my very expensive peestick says not.
also, my hub used to be super positive and optimistic, and through our treatments I've seen him run the course to complete pessimist and depressed, which is so unlike him. I guess we'll both have to figure out what else we are besides infertile. fuck.
We could be best friends. I get it. I do. It'll be 6 years next month for us. I hear ya, girlfriend. I'm fucking pissed off with you. Fucking infertility. *hug*
Oh Chicklet, this sucks beyond belief! You're right about things feeling more monumental, more depressing when the husband drastically changes in reaction. Ugh, I wish I could make this better for you guys. Stupid IF! (Man, that sounds so inadequate...)
I don't have anything new to add, just that I've been there and it's really hard. I'm so sorry you and your husband are there now too.
I so agree that seeing them crushed by all of this makes it even harder to tolerate, harder to get thru. Seems (to me) that if we can internalize it all, no matter how crazy it makes us, it's somehow less - real - if they can maintain who they are. Watching Grumpy's faith in the possibilities has been one of the more difficult, and soul crushing, obstacles in this whole fucking mess.
I always felt that I had to bear all of the heartache because it was me with the problem but when D started to react I think it made it hurt all the more when it should have been an "us" thing.
Fucking IF
I so get where you're at... for all the bitching I did about J not being on the same page, when all of our cycles failed, and with the last one, when he sadly told me that he was losing hope... it about KILLED me.
Hugs, hon. I've been thinking about you both. It's just so fucking unfair.
I am so very sorry. I know sometimes it is much harder to see someone you love in pain than to bear it yourself.
I remember so clearly the time Mr H was holding me as I cried away our chemical pregnancy...and realized he was crying too. Made me feel so much worse. Even though we were technically unexplained, I still felt like it was all up to me.
Sorry this all blows so much. FWIW, I'm thinking of ya
I seem to always complain about Will not wanting to read my blog, and not understanding all my sadness with every "cycle gone bad", and his coldness towards all the "hoopla"...yet, when he started crying last week over our hyperstimulated cycle...well, that hurt more than anything else. I guess I'm just used to hurting (yet that fact alone doesn't make it easier to bear), but Will, well, he's not supposed to get hurt in all this. He's supposed to get to be the husband that never knows the pain, only the joy...but after so long, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it affects him too.
I'm so sorry for all of this. And I'm sorry the stupid nurse couldn't get it the first time you told her--I mean, seriously, did she really think you didn't know what you were talking about? This all just effin' sucks for you, and I wish I could change it. Instead, I'll send a few ((hugs)) your way.
I am just so sorry
The grief is like a big medicine ball. Sometimes you carry it and sometimes you allow him to.
That's to keep us from carrying it all the time. Watching him carry it forces you to offer comfort. And then you can bear the weight again.
{{Chicklet}}}
My husband gets really, really sad too. And I freaking hate hope. I freaking hate it.
I remember coming back from the hospital after having one of my failures confirmed......hubby was stood at the top of the stairs crying. I was ok until that point cause I knew how much it meant to him.
So with you on this one, and thinking of you and your man.
I'll be thinking of you both, Chicklet. HUGS.
It's hard enough to live the impact you describe, it's another to see our best guys beaten down. Thinking of you both.
(BTW: I offered sent you a Pink Rose Award ... my latest post has more).
Wow. This post really made me think - as I read and reread it.
When I truly thought this cycle was over, and honest-to-all-that-is-holy, I did think it was over. I cried and cried and I apologized to him. I said that I was sorry I failed him (it was really him who wanted 3 children, I wanted two to begin with). And he said I didn't fail him - that we were in this together. And I told him how he did perfect. We had 4 perfect embryos. It was ME who failed. And he told me it would all be okay.
I felt a little better. Not for the BFN, but for the release of guilt. That I honestly didn't think he was bothered as much as I thought he would be. And as he got into his truck and said goodbye to me, as he was backing up, I saw that sadness in his eye. And it was the worst I've ever felt. He was just trying to be the strong guy for me, yet he was heartbroken. And his sadness visualized to me, although he didn't mean for me to see, was almost more than I could bare to stand.
All of that was to say I can start to understand how this makes you feel right now. And I wish I could take it all away.
When that light of hope in my husband's eyes were extinguished, I felt as if I had robbed him of fatherhood. And that was worse than sticking myself with needles, endless blood tests and humiliating exams.
I have been there and I'm sorry you are both there right now. Nobody should have to go through all of that. I hope you can take comfort in each other.
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