F* Bomb, F* Bomb, Yer My F* Bomb

Honestly, I don't even know where to start this one. Does it suck? Yes! Am I pissed off? Uh, keep reading. Do I feel better that I have two frozen? No, actually, I DON'T. Right now those two embryos feel MORE like another dreaded piece of DUTY tying me to this whole fucking joke that is infertility, than like another opportunity to get knocked up. They feel like ONE MORE way, I can be let down yet again.

And before you go off telling me all the lovely things you do (which in normal circumstances I'd appreciate), and commenting all the wonderfully supportive comments you usually have and I usually enjoy, can I ask just ONE favor this time please? Don't. Don't do the NICE things, don't do the THOUGHTFUL things. Instead, be mad WITH me. Swear, curse, yell, and comment the horribly angry thoughts you've had TOO, for your own fucking suckiness, or for someone else's. Cuz right now, THAT is what I need. ANGER is what I need, ANGER is what is getting me through.

Because, the truth of the matter is, everyone has their own personal limits. And I think I may have reached mine. And I'm pretty fucking pissed off that I ever had to get here. Yea, I'm angry and hating fucking EVERYTHING right now, and yea, I think this is just the biggest fucking JOKE that we've done this twice and have nothing to show for it, even with a GRADE-A-10-CELL stupid fucking embryo. But I also know that stepping back from the anger, in the last few months, I've really been feeling like I might be done. There is only so much of this I can take.

That's something the husband and I obviously have to work through together, cuz he's NOT done and this IS a two-of-us decision, but I'm not sure that even when I'm a lot less HOSTILE, I won't still feel the same way. I really feel like I'm fucking DONE with being poked and prodded, I'm fucking DONE with being a human pin cushion, and I'm fucking DONE with spreading my legs for every white coat in this city. None of it's got me anywhere so why should I keep doing it?

Moreso, why would I LET myself keep doing it, and keep SETTING myself up for this level of disappoinment? Month after month, cycle after cycle, I let myself believe that THIS time really might be it. That we REALLY might get to be done with this shit and move onto what it was we've been trying for for the past 3 fucking years. And EVERY month, EVERY cycle, I get the shit kicked out of me yet again that, NOPE, not your turn dumbass! And I'm really REALLY sick of it.

I'm sick of putting my life - OUR lives - on hold. I'm sick of waiting for something that doesn't seem to be coming. I'm sick of not having ANY control over my own stupid body. And I'm sick of thinking WE will actually have a happy ending here. Or maybe moreso, thinking that OUR happy ending HAS to contain a kid. Cuz maybe it doesn't. Maybe for US, the happy ending is choosing to walk away from this bullshit.

Maybe it's a life filled with a newly renovated bathroom, with a tub so deep the husband and I can spend our winter nights in it TOGETHER, sipping our EXTREMELY expensive wine. Why EXPENSIVE wine? Cuz we don't HAVE to drink the boxed crap, cuz we never had to choose between expensive wine and putting the kids in soccer.

Maybe it's a life where we have fantastic bodies that everyone hates, cuz aren't we 40 or 50 or even SIXTY, and shouldn't we have gained that AGE-WEIGHT everyone else did? No, cuz we, WITHOUT KIDS, have nothing but time on our hands. Time for us to READ, time for us to EXERCISE, and time for us to live life to the fullest, the way we would in retirement. Except we'd have to have those stupid job-things I guess, but whatever, we'd have TIME for our bodies. Cuz there'd be NO nightly lunch prep, there'd be NO nightly bathtime rituals, and there'd be NO nightly rigamourall(sp?) trying to convince some little shit to go to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY understand that we have other options here, but to the above note of all the stuff I'm SICK OF, I don't know that I even WANT to explore other options anymore. I'm really quite done with this ride. I've paid my fees, I've ridden it around and around and around, and now, I WANT OFF.

As for an ACTUAL decision, we're not going to make that decision right now, cuz I know, and the husband knows, and you probably all ALSO know now, that I'm currently insane, and making a decision in the heat of my insanity, would NOT be a wise choice. I also know, that in the last couple days, since the spotting began, the truth is that every time I even THINK about all my friends moving forward with kids and us not, it sends me to the bathroom crying EVERY SINGLE TIME. Honestly, even seeing OliveGirl's NAME in my InBox, knowing she's checking on me, sends me to the bathroom. So the truth is, while I AM mad and I AM using anger to chug along through this, who knows where we'll really end up.

For right now though, where we are is in a place that really fucking sucks. Really fucking sucks in a way only people who have BEEN here would ever get. Really sucks in a way that leads me to writing something that drops the f* bomb in every second sentence.