I'm having, or maybe I had, one of THOSE weeks. The kind where every screaming baby... makes me wanna pull my hair out. Where every mommy-stroller duo... makes my skin crawl. Where every pregnancy mention is just like, 'seriously?'... SIGH... 'for fuck's sake.'
But it's not the usual angry-jealous-f*d-up infertile kind of annoyed, it's the do-I-really-wanna-do-this kind of annoyed. Do I REALLY wanna change our lives that drastically? Do I REALLY wanna make a decision I can't undo? Cuz permanence, and things I HAVE to do, those are things I'm not so good with.
Like when I'm CHUBBIER than I wanna be, and I HAVE to exercise to help get it off? Yea, well, that's when I wanna exercise the absolute least. THAT'S when I'd rather head to the pub and fill my belly full of HOT WINGS and CIDER! Cuz a THREE THOUSAND calorie meal all in one sitting? Woohoo, that was my CHOICE to do that!
Or when we're planning a trip, and it's come down to the 'By clicking CONTINUE, you are agreeing to pay for these tickets..." step? That step? Well, it freaks me out EVERY SINGLE TIME. Cuz I can't UNDO that step. There's no turning back from that step. And it's not that I might find a better deal, or wanna switch airlines - THAT I don't care about - it's that now I HAVE to pay which means I HAVE to go, and what if later, I really DON'T feel like laying around on a beach for 3 weeks, sipping mojitos, and periodically cooling off in the turquoise salty waves?
And I know, deep down, some of this is probably coming from the whole HAVING TO WAIT for IVF#2 issue, so yea, why the hell WOULDN'T we reconsider and make sure we're doing what we want before we get into this crap again? But SOME of this, I dunno, it's feeling a bit like we have an "out", and I'm REALLY REALLY thinking about that "out". Like we could turn around, RIGHT NOW, and stop all of this. We could NOT pass go, we could NOT head directly to jail, and we could go spend our money building hotels on Park Place or Boardwalk instead.
We could buy HIM a new BMW 325i and ME a new VW Touareg - JUST CUZ. Cuz owing more money? BAH! Who cares if it's just the two of us!...
We could QUIT our jobs and do WHATEVER home business we'd prefer - cuz if it's just the two of us, we could take WHATEVER risks we wanted to!...
We could go back to travelling to FABULOUS and EXOTIC places for MONTH-LONG vacations. Cuz our money? And our time? Well it'd be OURS and ONLY ours....
And we could NEVER EVER worry about having to watch Dora, cuz seriously, that chick, she freaks me out....
But mostly, we could UNDO the decision to stop. We could ALWAYS go back to trying, we could ALWAYS go back to treatments, cuz we can ALWAYS choose to continue this crap. But if we DO choose to continue this crap RIGHT NOW, and somehow, through some freakin' magic, we end up with a kid - THAT decision, that KID, that we can't UNDO.
And while I understand there'll definitely be MOMENTS where I want to undo it, and there'll even be DAYS I want to undo it - cuz that SCREAMING BABY will be MY screaming baby - but what if it's MORE than just moments? What if it's not all sunshine and roses and it not being sunshine and roses is just TOO MUCH to take? What if I wanna go BACK and STOP us from doing IVF#2? But I can't?
Sunday, 10 February, 2008
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27 comments:
Are we TSAB?
(twins separated at birth)
I am/was so the same in the situations you describe.
I worry about that too sometimes, I think it comes from the same place where I wonder, am I really cut out/ready to be a mother? I think it's one of those things where you know the future will be different and better, but of course some things that you have now you won't have anymore (like lazy Saturday mornings by yourself) and you'll miss it. But I have no doubts that it will still be the right decision!
Chicklet, I don't know the answer to the question other than to say that we all go through those sort of moments.
J
I understand this sooo much. I found it even when I was pregnant, I so wanted my babies but I also had concerns about how different my life would be.
I still want to be pregnant so I'm just putting this down to have too much time to think about things. An oops baby's parent doesn't have all these years to consider things. Parents love their babies (most the time) I hang on to this.
Thanks for the tag. I'm thinking of a list!
Hope you can get your mind straight, you're such a thoughtful person. I hate that you're struggling with all this.
I have thought this all before, and still sometimes do.
You know I've thought about the things you write about in this post about a thousand and one or more times. I've arrived at this conclusion. Everyone has those thoughts, they're just MAGNIFIED for those of us who have to go to superhuman lengths to conceive and deliver. We have to pay up for the indignities that come with IF treatments, stomach the emotional rollercoaster and then hope that in the end we can do what others manage tucked firmly in the arms of the one they love in the privacy of their own bedroom -- whether at home or on a romantic weekend. We are tortured with the second thoughts in a way that others aren't because we have to make so much more than a conscious effort to try to get pregnant. When someone gets pregnant easily, sure there's likely to be second thoughts and the like, but at that point there's little you can do so you just roll with it. My BIL and my husband's best friend disliked kids intensely, until they had their own. Now they're doting dads. Okay, I've had my say...
I feel that way sometimes too--esp. after a failed cycle. It's my rebellion to the universe for NOT giving me what I want--and then it makes me think, "Do I really WANT this?"
I think its all a part of this crazy journey we are on...I know that you will make a great MOM!
I think there will always be a fear of the unknown. And yeah, kids aren't good for your bank account either.
I don't think it's a bad idea to think through everything, but I think if you wanted this badly enough to do IVF#1, you probably will not decide against IVF#2.
I have these thoughts and I'm going to adopt.... I think it's all normal. When you're on the ttc train, you have a LOT of time to think about these things.
I'm having the exact same freak-out, oh... about once a week at the moment.
Sometimes I get those second thoughts, but we can't undo what we've done at this point unless we want to walk away and write off the money we spent as a very large donation to an adoption agency! Forging ahead.
Hey missy - just wanted to let you know I got protocol and start lupron 3/05. Tentative egg retrieval is around 3/28.
I still have to take time to read your post and comment like a real person. I'm too wrapped up in myself for that - admittedly. But I'll be back to take the time. I promise.
I'm like you in the sense that I don't like to commit to things that can't be undone. Personally, I think some decisions are worth making to find out where they take you. As long as you know that there will be bad (screaming baby) with the good (your screaming baby) it can make those things easier to cope with.
Don't get me wrong, I still have days where we go somewhere and the sound of a screaming child makes me want to rip my ear drums out of my head, but somehow I like to think that the sound of my screaming child won't be quite as annoying. And if it is there are always headphones! :)
I found myself with my jaw dropped at how similarly I have been feeling lately. I've been worried that maybe after all of this, all the time, money, energy, stress, etc., that in the end, I'll regret it b/c it's so final. And then I feel guilty...
All those thoughts of "oh god, what have I gotten myself into" is my reality. I can't undo it. And yes, I have to watch dora and the wiggles (although I tune them out). There are things that make my skin crawl. Our lives are drastically changed and there is no undo button. You are right.
All I can say is look where I am right now. With all that crap I do have to endure, I'm pushing forward again.
I can promise you that even though you won't have the "undo" button, once you are here, you'll never look for it.
It's a really good what if. And only one you could really answer. But I think the fact that you know that it's a decision with an exit vs. a decision without an exit...well...that factor seems to be the most important.
I am making no freakin' sense right now. I mean, I know what I want to say but it is not coming out right because I am so damned hungry, but I can't go into the basement to get the veggie stock to make dinner because there is a bug down there near the refrigerator. And could Josh just get his ass here so he can clean up the bug and we can eat?
Back to the decision, what I mean is that if you choose to stop, you can always restart. But if you go ahead, it's no looking back once the baby is on its way. And I share your fear of the continue button, having stepped away from an online purchase twice today at last moment with what ifs.
omg. mel's comment about not being able to go into the basement because of a bug by the fridge is making me laugh.
(psst... I finally did you tagging!)
How ya feeling today?
I'm jumping on the bandwagon on this one, you're the only who can decide your next step (well, you and the rock star hubby).
I know I always thought this way when my niece was throwing a fit; still kinda had those thoughts this weekend when she threw another one.
I hate that damn confirmation page, and I, like you, freak out over it sometimes. I have to check every little detail of the receipt to make sure it is perfect because I know I can't "undo" anything after that.
I can definitely tell where this spills over into my TTC (or TTP) life! You are not alone in this feeling my dear.
What kind of fertility challenged bunch would we be if we didn't question things??? Going through treatment makes us question all sorts of things!
I know that whatever you do choose will be the best decision for you and the mister. :)
I'm so grateful there are others who feel this way. You can't say something this honest in a TTC forum without causing conflict.
I definitely have my moments of wondering this exact same thing. Really, what I worry about most is that I won't feel right complaining like other parents get to do, because we had to work so hard to get here.
I think these are very common feelings/thoughts. I have them once in awhile and usually try to stuff them far, far away in the back of my mind. I guess I need to believe that all of this crap will be worth it in the end to actually focus on treatments.
Thanks for your kind words earlier this week. It really does help knowing that other people understand what you are going through.
I am here via the Roundup and I understand those doubts. I like what PJ said - if it happened fast and easy, we might still have those moments but it would be too late to do anything about it.
If it makes you feel better, after 6 years, one infant death, 2 miscarriages, 4 failed fresh IVF cycles, $65,000 and now pg with donor eggs I STILL sometimes wonder if we did the right thing. Too late now (I hope!) to go back.
Everyone does have those thoughts.
And even once you reach the mecca of actually having a child -- you still have those thoughts.
As much as I love my son there are moments when I think to myself "did I have to do 5 IVF's because I wasn't meant to be a mom and deal with all of this?" But then, he smiles, and I remember why all of the hell we went through to get him (and now to raise him) is worth it.
i found you through Mel's roundup and i immediately clicked on your post when i read the description. i've been having those exact same thoughts. i hope you don't mind me linking this post on my blog -- becuase i have to take off on my own tangent on this one and the comments field isn't the place to do it! thanks for being so honest.
www.candysland.blogspot.com
Bravo!
Oh yeah - the "what the heck was I thinking?? Can we "do over"? moments.
Amazingly put - you definitely have a gift with words here.
Having been poked, stabbed, examined, hormonally manipulated, cut open and spilled gallons of my personal blood - I take everyone to the store and then spend the next hour resisting the urge to just walk away thinking "what the freaking heck was I thinking??"
BUT, anything worth fighting that hard for is worth not undoing. You will never regret it in the end.
And now I gotta push a button that says "Publish your comment" . . .
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