The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly (*Updated)

Frack, I'm trying to be all "me" and write the way I like to but my follow-up appointment just overwhelmed me with info, and I know even NOW I've missed shit, but it just ain't coming, and my brain's all frazzled from a VERY LONG day at work, so here goes a big ol' spew instead...

First off, there AIN'T any ugly. There's good, there's bad, and ugly just GOES with that cuz it sounds better.

Secondly, cuz I'm all RAINBOWS and BUTTERFLIES and all that "silver lining" CRAP lately - which I must say, is COMPLETELY NOT MY FAULT - I'll start with the bad, so we can end with the good, cuz wooooo, rainbows!!!!... ???

The bad...

• They started off our appointment with a summary outlining our results, a summary I thought was BLATANTLY wrong so of course started me off all FIRED UP before we'd even GOT INTO Dr. Chutzpah's office.
• Turns out my TURDS for ovaries aren't the ONLY issue. See below re "the good" but out of 9 embryos, only 1 fertilized, so they think not only did my ovaries SUCK but his SPERM and my EGG don't wanna dance, cuz uh, 1 out of 9 AIN'T good.
• Dr. Chutzpah's a little TOO GOOD at what he does cuz this little TALK we had, well he was very very good at it. And I don't say that like he was doing anything MALICIOUS, I just say it like whenever I'd get all angry and push for more answers, he'd try and reign me back in by distracting me with CHARTS and FILES and NUMBERS and STATS.
• Dr. Chutzpah contradicted himself which isn't a REALLY bad thing, it's just one of those things you remember as maybe being bad. Cuz I pushed that with IVF#2, I wanted EARLIER ultrasounds (cuz my blood tests early on were fine and then they were surprised later by the ultrasounds). AT FIRST he told me it wouldn't tell them anything. But LATER, when summing up the "plan" for IVF#2, he SPECIFICALLY flagged an earlier ultrasound if my blood levels are the same as with IVF#1. Doesn't tell you anything EH?
• They offered us free drugs and I said NO cuz my insurance covers it. But thinking it through further, I might not need free drugs NOW, but if we do this a THIRD freakin' time, I really COULD need the free drugs then. So I've emailed him explaining where we're at in our usage vs limits on drug coverage, asking if the option remains open or if I should just take the freebie now.
• We don't start again until March, which means suppression in March and stimulation in April/May. Holy f*. I mean, I KNEW we had to wait to "recover" but MAN ALIVE people - do you KNOW how long that is!

The good...

• Dr. Chutzpah explained that the numbers I'd written down were the numbers I got Day 1, they were NOT the final numbers given to me at transfer, or the numbers I'd actually INITIALLED at transfer. So their report was in fact, correct. So were my numbers (originally).
• We got a LOT of answers to a LOT of things that were PICKING MY ASS lately. While they ain't the answers I necessarily WANTED, and they ain't answers I necessarily LIKE, they ARE answers that make sense, and that's something. Cuz well, those 9 stupid embryos, well they DID mature so taking those damn things out WAS worth it cuz now we learned that there's some "dancing" issues as well.
• While Dr. Chutzpah's very very good at what he does, I'm better:-). Cuz when I lock onto something, I LOCK ONTO IT. The husband said every time I seemed to be coming around and getting a little less angry, I'd go RIGHT BACK to the last cycle and dig in with a NEW question, that I was NOT letting go, and that I was VERY GOOD about how I chose to rake him over the coals...
• And while the above might SOUND like a bad thing, to ME, it wasn't. Cuz I explained quite rationally that I was NOT locking onto the last cycle to blame anyone, and I was NOT locking onto the last cycle to because it failed - I was LOCKING onto the last cycle to get ANSWERS, to help me feel more COMFORTABLE, and to understand not why it failed IN THE END but why the WHOLE DAMN THING went so terribly and how they're gonna do BETTER in round 2.
• In round 2, I get 50% MORE drugs! EARLIER ultrasounds! And MUCH more monitoring. Cuz apparently they've figured out that not ALL 32 year olds respond the same. Shocking.
• Going back to my TURDS for ovaries and the whole crappy fertilization report, they wanna do ICSI next time - at THEIR cost! And even though I'd gone in PLANNING to ask for a discount or something free cuz I thought they weren't "on the ball" in round 1, I didn't even HAVE to ask, it was just flat out OFFERED.
• Apparently we have a LOT of time to get our bodies back, to be DETERMINED little gym-folk, to go on LOTS and LOTS of runs, to work towards a GOAL (train for the SunRun again), and to ski to our hearts desire.

*Updated to note that we can't start until March (I thought we'd start Feb then "go" in March) because my clinic likes to "rest" ovaries. They went on and on about all this being unnatural and needing to give them a break. They also gave some lengthy explanation about not wanting to stimulate the follicles they just used - they want fresh everything. I have to look that part up...