Street Cred

Apparently a failed IVF makes you think A LOT, it consumes everything you do, and no matter how FANTASTIC a time you have running away to Whistler for Christmas and NOT letting it consume everything you do, it IS however, right there waiting for you when you return home.

And the thing that was waiting, well it's this place in the middle of two extremes - and NOT the extremes I expected.

Yea, I'm sad, and yea, I'm angry, but mostly, I'm actually RELIEVED and IN AWE. Not relieved that it DIDN'T WORK - don't get me wrong, that part freakin' BLOWS - but relieved that well, there's SOMETHING WRONG HERE PEOPLE! This WASN'T just "in my head" and I COULDN'T have just "relaxed" to fix it - we actually HAVE a problem! I just had a MESS of drugs and a whole LOTTA intervention and still NOTTA, ZIP, ZILCH, NOTHING. And by NOTTA, ZIP, ZILCH, NOTHING I don't just mean no BABY, I mean CRAPPY RESPONSE, NO EGGS, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200, instead head DIRECTLY [back] to jail. Cuz that lovely MAGIC TRICK everybody thought would just make all this crap GO AWAY, not so freakin' magical for me.

And yes, I GET that that might be a bit of a MESSED UP way of looking at things, but it's what I'm THINKING and it's where I'm AT and that's all there is to it. IIIIIII, somehow, in the midst of all this CRAP, found a TEENSY WEENSY silver lining.

It ain't one I WANTED to find, and it ain't one I was LOOKING to find, it's one that was brought to me courtesy of a fertile friend I haven't been very good to of late, courtesy of a fertile friend who in the BEGINNING of all this IF crap hadn't been very understanding and I probably still haven't forgiven her for it, and courtesy of that SAME fertile friend who lately REALLY had been trying to turn things around on the support end.

Throughout IVF#1, she not only called and texted me EVERY DAY, she cried with me when things were sucking and when they were sucking WORSE, she bought me this amazing pomegranate vase, and she did all this when in HER life, there are some VERY VERY sad things going on. And why this relieves me is that our infertility finally, FINALLY, has CREDIBILITY to those outside this IF wonderland. Somehow IVF, and worse yet, an IVF FAILURE, well it makes it real to all the non-believers. It makes it almost as sad to THEM as it is for US. It makes them realize we DO belong here and we are NOT as crazy as they thought.

And that's where the AWE comes in - awe that THIS, a FAILED IVF, is where WE are actually at. That we're THAT couple! You know the ones, the ones people TALK about. The ones people say "OMG, you mean they spent $6000 on IVF and they have to do it ALL OVER again? How is that possible? Doesn't IVF just get people pregnant?"

That's us. We're THOSE people! Those people who need to do this crap MORE than once! Those people who ACTUALLY may need to do this crap more than TWICE! Cuz f*, at THIS point, who the hell knows right?! And it's not that I'm in awe that we're ACTUALLY infertile and we DO need some help - I've thought that for a LONG time. I'm just in awe that WE, the husband and I, will be doing a FULL BLOWN round #2. Seriously, US, onto IVF#2?! Really?! Jesus. That's kinda the big leagues isn't it?! That's just something I never EVER considered. I mean, I'd always prepared myself that we might have to do a couple FETs later, that IVF#1 may not do its thing, but NOTHING frozen, NOTHING to use, and having to do a FULL BLOWN second IVF - really? Gawd.

So while it ain't a credential we WANTED to earn, and it ain't a credential we'll walk around proudly displaying, the husband and I have finally earned our "street cred" (thanks OliveGirl). We are NO LONGER those infertiles who've been through "some stuff", who've been trying for "awhile", who've tried "some things" and well, those things just haven't worked yet. We're now those infertiles who've been through some really SHITTY stuff, who've tried some really BIG things, and who are still freakin' waiting.