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A few weeks ago The Mother came to visit. Arrived on a Friday, left on a Monday, and all in all, it went well. Well, as far as OUR visits go, it went well. I only made her cry once, and seriously, for US, that might even be a record! And it's only cuz she's super sensitive and I'm a super bitch, and well, there's only so much "squeaky voice" a super bitch can handle. So after four freakin' DAYS of it I told her to stop f*g using it and talk normally. Yea, I ain't the best role model for mother-daughter relationships...
But the point is, The Mother came, she left, and when she got home, she told my sister that I didn't talk to her AT ALL about our IVF. In her defence, from what I know of the conversation, she wasn't WHINING about it, but she WAS digging for why NOT her?
And then she sent me an email, mentioning, and I count, SIX TIMES in the email, how she didn't ask the "don't ask" questions - this is what she called them - the "don't ask" questions. SIX TIMES she mentioned how proud she was that she didn't ask the "don't ask" questions. SIX TIMES she patted herself on the back for NOT talking about the thing she wasn't supposed to talk about. SIX TIMES in ONE email she talked about how she DIDN'T talk about it... ????
So I did what at the time, I THOUGHT was helpful - I chose to educate her. I sent her an email explaining that I don't talk to her about it because I don't believe she "gets it". That she's not the ONLY ONE who doesn't "get it", so isn't the ONLY ONE I don't talk to, but that I don't believe she "gets it" and that's why I don't talk to her about it.
I reminded her that when I'd told her about our struggles, in return I got emails telling me it was in my head. Well, in her defence, they weren't TELLING me it was in my head, they were SUGGESTING it was in my head. I got emails telling me she was sad for me but that I should just get DRUNK and have HORNY SEX. I got emails telling me that her friend was praying for me, and that even though this friend is religious and doesn't usually talk about such things, even THIS FRIEND thought we should get DRUNK and have CRAZY SEX. I got emails telling me about a friend of a friend of a friend who tried for 10 years, stopped trying, and OH!, shocker of all shockers, she got pregnant the VERY NEXT MONTH.
I told her I didn't want to talk to ANYONE who made me feel like it was in my head. I told her I didn't want to talk to ANYONE who thought relaxing would fix it. Because if it really WAS in my head, and relaxing really WOULD fix it, there wouldn't be fertility doctors, fertility clinics, and fertility drugs.
I explained that I wasn't mad or asking for an apology, I was just telling her how it is because the fact that she mentioned it SIX TIMES in ONE email, suggested to me that it bothers her, so I wanted her to understand that it wasn't just HER I was leaving out. But that if she had questions, to just ask, but please don't mention SIX TIMES that you DIDN'T MENTION IT.
And what did I get back? I got an angry email back telling me not to INSULT her. Telling me she's a NURSE and she sees it EVERY DAY so she GETS IT. Cuz yea, being in the MEDICAL field makes people "get it"...
Sigh.
And this is why I DON'T talk about it to The Mother, or to MOST OTHER people. Because it's EXHAUSTING to try and make someone who'll NEVER understand, understand. Because it's EXHAUSTING to try and say things in such a way that it's not seen as a personal ATTACK on them. Because it's EXHAUSTING to try and frame my requests in such a way that they understand that these requests are NOT in fact about THEM at all - that they ARE in fact about ME, and about MY needs.
Cuz what I NEED, is people to support me and to understand me - or to at least EMPATHIZE with what we're going through, even if they'll never UNDERSTAND what we're going through. Because as my sister put it, that's what I'd get if I had cancer or ANY OTHER medical condition CONSIDERED legitimate. I'd get LEGITIMATE support for a LEGITIMATE condition.
And I understand that's a pretty drastic comparison, but my point is that because I'm INFERTILE, I'm NOT supported - sometimes, I'm even ATTACKED. Other times I'm told it's in my head or that I can fix it with alcohol. And don't forget all the times I'm told that the LAST THING I should be doing right now is stressing about it - I should "just relax". Because yea, as with ANY OTHER legitimate medical condition, drinking and relaxing is the REAL cure.
19 comments:
So sorry that you are having to deal with insensitive BS from people who are close to you (familial wise anyway). It just seems like a no win situation with those that don't get it.
Next time the mother says she is having a bad day, just tell her to get drunk and have horny sex. Same difference!
Hear, hear.
I'm still going to have a beer and hopeful shag in a couple of weeks though...
;)
J
I've been waiting for it - cuz I know her & cuz I know you & I'm glad I wasn't there - I have my own fair share of squeaky voice moments.
...well said.
the sister
Oh -I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I know what you mean though -- I'm sure many of us do. Thanks goodness we have each other in here in blogland. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have someone to communicate with you gets it and thanks to the great WWW I found lots of people.
Boy, for a nurse, it sounds like your mom really just wants to make you an alcoholic!
There are folks out there who can empathize and who can "get it," but sometimes they are few and far between. I have also found that getting the "relax" type of the remarks from people who really SHOULD know better makes them hurt all the more. You are so right - you need to do what you need to protect yourself - it's about you, and if they can't handle it, it's their problem!
Well said.
I'm sorry your mom doesn't get it. If it helps, mine doesn't either. So I don't bother even trying to educate her - not worth the effort.
*HUG*
SISTER OF MINE! I didn't know mom had another child she gave up for adoption and didn't tell us about! Welcome to the family
Ok, seriously, my sisters adn I all work in the medical field...and let me tell you THEY DONT GET IT. They think because their uterus' work like they should that I should get over mine. They don't get it. They never will get it. Ugh.
OOH and I love Courtney's idea...tell mom get drunk have crazy sex...see if she likes that answer..oh and if she does get pregnant from it...tell her that menopause was all in her head :)
I agree... trying to educate the ones that just DONT GET IT is often far more trouble than its worth. Those that WANT to get it will often educate themselves (at least to the level that they don't dare utter the "relax" assvice. Those others... yeah, screw 'em!
And I agree with Samantha, this is about YOU, how YOU feel about it, how YOU handle it.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}
ooo, i like family of 2's idea to tell her that menopause is all in her head!
sorry your mom isn't being very supportive....yet indignant that she is. i found that the most supportive people were the unexpected ones.
AWESOME - so your mohter suggests horhy/drunk sex. Is that in a mother/daughter assvice handbook. My mother suggested that also
Sorry Chicklet. I wish that you didn't have to go through this with a family member, especially The Mother!
The whole process is exhausting - the physical, emotional, and the social! I still can't get through to some people.
I think that if the drunken sex thing would work, I'd have a minivanful and so would everyone else in this slice of the blogosphere.
No assvice here, just support from people who really do "get" it!
Yesh! What a craptastic load of BS.
Love the horny sex part...ha! Like that works...;0)
YES--in answer to your kind gesture on my blog-Id love to hear more details about your experience with the lap. Thanks!!
Well, from a "medical person's" point of view, no, they don't "get it." I've been in the medical field for 5 yrs now and unless someone has either 1)experienced IF or 2)educated themselves about IF, then they don't and won't ever get it. Just b/c you're a nurse doesn't mean you know everything--after all, you have to have a dr. tell you what to do (sorry, not nice). I just think you need some support and not ridicule. It's not in your head, and the desire is in your heart. No amount of relaxation or drunkenness will change IF. If that were the case, there'd be a whole lot more going on at the virtual lushary and a lot less blogs of ppl experiencing the same thing.
I'm sorry you're havin' problems with uneducated ppl. Sending you ((hugs)) and good thoughts.
My mum's a nurse too, and...yeah, I hear you.
I got soooo frustrated at her lack of getting it after miscarrying my longest pregnancy that I shut her out. Completely.
We talk now but not like we used to. It is hard. I know she loves me. Perhaps I expect too much.
And four days!............Are you mad?
I don't know what I'd do if my mother ever told me to go have horny sex. I never even got a sex talk when I was a teenager....wait....maybe that's why I can't get knocked up...no one ever told me how?!?!
Having a mother that doesn't get it is definitely tough. I have one too, and while I love her dearly, she does not understand IF at all.
Wouldn't it be great if all it took to get pregnant was nice bottle of wine and some fun sex? Unfortunately we passed that point of this journey about 2 years ago.
HUGS! :)
Assvice. How I hate thee. (((HUGS)))
My mother is a nurse but she was also a fertile myrtle so just because you have a degree doesn't automatically give you the sensitivity chip. Most medical personnel don't get it from my experience. They might try in their own way but they just don't.
I agree with Courtney - next time she has a serious problem, tell her to "relax" and just go get drunk. Because we all know that will automatically make those ovaries obey us!
After I got pregnant I had to remind my mother that it was because I'd had surgery to remove endometriosis and not, as she asserted, because I was so 'relaxed and happy'. I swear the disease and surgery escaped her mind completely. You know, even my acupuncturist who deals with infertility with 50% of his clients suggested to me to go out to dinner with my husband, have a nice bottle of wine... I told him off. I don't think we can ever get away from insensitivity even from those we wouldn't expect it from for personal or professional reasons. And that sucks.
For if relaxing, drinking half a bottle of wine, and having crazy horny sex with my husband would make me pregnant, I should have half-a-dozen babies by now. And, oopsie, I don't.
I'm not talking to my family either at the moment. None of them have said anything particularly crass as such, but the 'not being got' thing was wearign me out. So much sympathy.
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