And while I love the speed part of the fast lane, what I actually love is the control. The control of going whatever speed I want. To go as fast as I want, or as slow as I want, but whatever speed IIIIIIII want. Because NOTHINGs in my way. And I think I'm like that about a lot of things in life. I like things MY way when IIII want them how IIIII want them. And when someone or something else gets in the way of things being how IIIII want them when IIIII want them, I don't deal with it well.
Remember Dr. Chutzpah? The doc I loved so much who I thought told me everything I wanted to know and more? Yea, well, not so much. He missed out one TIIIINY little detail. One TIIIINY little detail that threw me into a two-day-tizzy.
Just before the husband left for the week, he planted the idea of skipping IUI#4 and going right to IVF. Give IUI#3 a shot, let it be the last shot for this kind of go at it, and then, right onto IVF. And I being the maniacal freak I can be, I latched onto the idea. I opened calendars to figure out where my cycle would fall in comparison to our vacation, to see if we could REALLY swing it. I played with the loonylady spreadsheet (yes, it's really called this) to make sure that even if things went all WONKY with IUI#3, we still wouldn't be away at the wrong time to swing IVF#1 in October.
And of course, it all worked. It all fit. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it. So I let myself get EXCITED. I called Dr. Chutzpah to make sure I REALLY understood what this all meant, this REALLY could all work, and I REALLY knew for sure that there were no ifs, and, or buts about it. Oh, but that TIIIINY little detail = if, and, or but.
Dr. Chutzpah explained that all really COULD work... if we skipped IUI#3. Clomid follicles tend to stick around longer than they should and he wants me to be off it for a month before we go to IVF to make sure we get the best ones possible. And since I was starting my drugs in TWO DAYS, that meant making a decision re IVF#1 in TWO DAYS. In TWO DAYS where the husband was at the other end of the country. In TWO DAYS where I had plans both nights that I could NOT get out of. In TWO DAYS where we had minimal time to talk, and what I really really REALLY needed more than anything, WAS time to talk.
How can I make such a significant decision, essentially ON MY OWN, in TWO DAYS?!
- Option #1: Skip IUI#3, go to IVF#1 in October.
- Option #2: Do IUI#3, skip IUI#4, and go to IVF#1 in November.
- Option #3: Do IUI#3, figure out what to do next when we have more than TWO DAYS to figure this out.
The husband was good, you know? He was all "we can do whatever you need to do, whatever you want", but I was all "I can't decide this in two days, how am I supposed to decide this in two days, how can I be the one to make THIS call - the most important call - when we've made all the other decisions together?". Fucccccckkkkkkkkk.
But what I couldn't shake is why I felt so shitty about having to decide this. Why every time we texted, msn'd, or got a little time to chat, I'd get all teary over it. Why one TIIIINY little detail had thrown me into such a tizzy.
And when it all comes down to it, I realized it's that YET AGAIN we're not REALLY able to make our own decisions. Yea, it was us deciding, but we were deciding under rules someone ELSE had made. It wasn't about my need to rush into IVF#1 at mock speed. It wasn't about my inability to wait another month or two for IVF#1. It was about the fact that YET AGAIN, the decision wasn't totally ours.
We'd had this plan - well, I'D had this plan - this sudden and new plan that we'd do IUI#3, then we'd move on, and moving on would be in October, after IUI#3, and that is how it would all play out. Just like that. Exactly like that. And it'd all be very exciting, cuz WE had changed he plan, and WE were controlling what we were doing. But when that really WASN'T the plan, and really WASN'T how it'd all play out, it threw me all into a tizzy and took Round #23 from being one I was so "meh" about a couple days ago, to a cycle where I was all emotional and teary and pissed off that AGAIN, this crap can NOT be planned, it is NOT ever REALLY in my control, and yes, AGAIN, I have to play by someone else's rules.
So Friday morning, I took the drugs. IUI#3 is still on. And what to do about the rest of it, well we'll figure that out in an amount of time WE feel comfortable with. I completely understand the two-day-tizzy was something I COMPLETELY brought on myself with the sudden and new plan, but fuck, seriously, just ONE TIME, could someone say "Oh, you want to do x on y date - well, ok then, that works. Let's get everything else out of your way, and go." Just once.
10 comments:
It does drive me nuts too.
Ever since I was little...for instance, I would want to wear my green dress. Mom would say, "You can wear the blue dress or the red dress."
Yes, I was still getting the "choice" but ultimately it wasn't what I wanted.
Which starts from wanted to conceive in private with my husband to now just being happy if I could conceive without so much wonky scheduling issues.
These kinds of decisions are tough. Maybe IUI # 3 will be what you need and you won't even have to worry about IVF.
It is frustrating when you have to try and work out all of the details for a cycle. It pisses me off when things keep getting in the way!
What a crappy few days, I'd be a wreck too. And I hate the 'forced choice'. You get to feel like you're deciding...but you're not at all.
good luck with the IUI! Hopefully all this other stuff won't even matter
This is how i felt about having to make decisions about my injectible IUI back in July. We had to totally skip out on the month of july because my dr wanted me to make the IUI/Injectible decision in on day because it was CD2 * and you know that drill*. I completely flipped. HOW was i supposed to make that decision in less than 24 hours because i had to order meds and get them there the next morning ... as you know - we sat out of hte race the whole month because I felt rushed and i HATE being RUSHED OUR IF cycles - and decidions are just so EFF'n unruley and cruel. I am sorry you had to go through those rough kind of days
I'm sorry you have to go through this! My opinion (since you asked!)? Skip the IUIs and go onto IVF. Maximize your chances. IVF is the only treatment I ever got actually. I think it would have worked out great too if it weren't for some other crazy issues we're still trying to figure out.
NB: I am aggressive and like the brute force tactic. Not for everyone of course. But I'm cheering you on whatever you decide, and wishing you the best.
I'm the same way. I like to be in control at all times and I think that is the worst part of this whole process. My body and my RE have made it perfectly clear that I am no longer in control of my body or my cycles or my decisions in regards to cycling for that matter. It sucks--plain and simple and it pisses me off.
I think you made the right decision to have IUI#3 before moving to IVF. As you've mentioned before, IVF is such a huge step and I think you really have to be ready for that. Who am I to talk, I'm not even ready for an IUI? Seriously though, I'm sorry the circumstances under which you had to make that decision and I'll definitely be keeping my fingers crossed that the 3rd time will be a charm for you. :) HUGS
I'm sorry that you have had such hard decisions to make in such a short time! It sounds like you made the best decision for you personally, and that is what counts the most. :)
Amen, sister!
That just sucks. I'm sorry you had to make the decision in such a short time since you didn't have all of the details either. I hate how little things can completely change the big things that we think are so concrete.
And that just goes to show us that there is nothing that is certain with IF.
I, too, think you made the right decision for you. I don't think I could make the IVF decision in just 2 days when you thought you were going to be doing it later.
Life gets in the way ALL the time...ugg=0)
I hope you all dont get TOO stressed out (who am I kidding) as you make these next decisions...
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