Infertility's got all these stages. There's the stage where you're too naive to consider you could EVER have a problem. There's the stage where you start to WONDER if you've got a problem. And there's the stage where you've GOT a problem and can't figure out WHEN THE HELL you'll get to be OVER and DONE with that problem.
Or at least that's how I saw it for all these many many months. Three simple stages - all with these little "hidden gem" SUB-STAGES where psycho and crazy go hand in hand with weepy and pissed f*g off, but regardless, three simple stages.
But in the last couple days I've come into this NEW sub-stage that seems to be taking over as a main stage. And it's only been a couple days, but the fact that I'd even THINK these thoughts, well, that's the part that's hardest. Cuz I haven't had these thoughts in years.
I have these moments at work where I hear someone talking all coochy-coochy-coo to their kid on the phone and I think, "how the HELL will I ever pull that off?". Or these moments out shopping when I see a woman struggling to make her kid DO or NOT DO something and I wonder, "jesus, do I REALLY know what I'm in for here?".
And THESE moments - paired with other moments - well, they make me have moments where I start to question if I just want kids because I can't seem to HAVE kids. The "have I gotten more caught up in having what I CAN'T than having what it is I really want" kind of questions.
And every time I think I'm past these thoughts, they come up again. And I'm hoping it's just the ANNOYANCE of this whole stupid game, and the TEMPTATION of knowing I could be DONE with this whole stupid game... in the flick of a switch... if we just stopped. But WHAT IF... we just stopped?
WHAT IF we stopped all the madness. WHAT IF we opted for a lot of wine and travel instead. WHAT IF we kept all our money for US, all our time for US, all our decisions for US. Well, that part sounds pretty damn good actually. But the part that DOESN'T sound pretty damn good, it's the part where I think about the birthday parties I'll have to attend and the holidays I'll have to celebrate, and the moments where I'll be so COMPLETELY overwhelmed by sadness and anger and jealousy over what it appears EVERYONE ELSE has... that I can't have.
Which I guess answers how I really feel. Because, I'm NOT completely overwhelmed by sadness and anger and jealousy over others having more MONEY than me, over their lives being EASIER than mine, or about anything else for that matter. Only this overwhelms me. Only kids.
Thursday, 20 September, 2007
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15 comments:
Hugs, girly. Well said.
I'm past the denial stage and I'm working on the 'what the hell is wrong with me' stage now. I almost can't wait to get to the 'now fix it' stage.
Oh yea, and you really DO want to do this. Hang in there, I'm over here praying for you!
I am going to hope that before you know it, you will be at the stage where you are deciding whether to use cloth or disposable. :)
Its a hard one this, I've been there even tough I have LaLa. Only you can know what way is best to go. Maybe a time line, such as I gave myself, would be one way but I would say from vast experience, that in the meantime, enjoy the wine, travel and all the rest as much as you can, it certainly cant harm :) Good luck my luv, and HUGS to you.
I'm right there with you. I often wonder whether having children is something that we will be able to cope with and that perhaps struggling to have children and maybe not being able to have children is a sign that we wouldn't be able to cope. But I just can't imagine our life together without them.
Well said.
I've, for the first time, begun to entertain the 'what if I just stop' thoughts.
But I can't just yet.
I'll tell you something - you are totally not alone.
Every time I got to that point, I took a break. I spent those months drinking wine and eating what I wanted and spending time with my absolutely fabulous husband. We even went to Italy. I LOVED breaks. Because I had a timeline - "I'm going to stop until I feel ready to go again."
Maybe that's what you need. Because all of the needles and the doctor's appointments and the pain gets OLD, you know?
Just my two cents.
*hug*
I completely understand this feeling -- and, like Artblog, I have J. When you know first hand those struggles in the store, etc, there are definite moments where I wonder why I want to do this to myself again. But like you found, I'm just not ready yet.
Wishing you peace, and a break if you need it. But even more, I'm wishing you success.
Very well put. I, too, hope you get to move on to making parenting decisions rather than deal with all this stressful nonsense.
I think everybody goes through that. For me (although not Mr Oro), I can't imagine my life without children. It's both that simple and that hard. Now I'm working on the 'holy crap, I'm going to have to be an adult soon' stage. The idea of someone calling me Mom is...weird, even though we've struggled to get to this place.
Infertility is so freakin' hard.
You really do want kids. It's just the IF monster mind f*cking you. We try so hard for something and when we can't have it, we naturally think about life without it. I question myself all the time over whether I really think having a baby is worth all this heartache. And as of right now, it is. I may not feel that way forever but I'm not ready to give up just yet.
Sendings lots of love your way. XOXO
I completely understand how you feel. I found myself asking the same questions last week when I was with my niece and some other babies. Sometimes I think the worst part of IF is not knowing how it will all turn out. It would be so much easier if there was a guarantee, like you do 5 IUIs and you'll absolutely have a child. But it just isn't that way. And it sucks.
I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way! :)
You are being COMPLETELY REALISTIC.
We all have an IDEA of what kids entail...but really do we KNOW? Honestly I am PETRIFIED of bring one home that is mine...who will I give it back too when the weekend is over? ACK...am I ready? I am 32, been married 9 years...maybe not...maybe I should wait.
Yup see, completely realistic.
I've definitely been there, but been too scared by the thoughts to admit it. And they've been popping into my head more and more. But I'm just not ready to throw in the towel just yet.
Oh, I completely had this conversation in my head during vacation! I thought at one point "maybe we can just travel a lot and that will fill the void." I quickly told myself to shut the hell up.
IF does mess with your head like that. Maybe it's just another coping mechanism that we picked up along the way.
PS Even though Hallmark has a couple IF cards, yours (by far) are funnier!
Who can ever really answer the question "Why do I want to have kids?"
the fact is, nothing you say in words really makes sense.....
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