I was really really proud of myself this cycle. From IUI#2 onward, I did not count days. I did not think about symptoms. I did not let myself know exactly where I was at. I knew roughly - I can't HELP but know - but I knew more that it was, for example, ABOUT a week and a half since the IUI which put me somewhere in the CD20-25 range. Which, with the range, meant I couldn't compare to what happened in previous months on THAT exact day cuz I didn't know THIS exact day.
However, CD25 everything went to shit. I counted. I opened the spreadsheet. And then the obsessing began. Albeit that was only Thursday, so I haven't had much time to obsess, but I'm quite ADEPT at obsessing, so there was, ohhhhhh, PLENTY of obsessing in the last four days. Mostly obsessing over the lack of symptoms for AF (bloating and the fun cramping I call "dropping the egg, another one bite's the dust"), but then yesterday I took the big plunge. The ignorant plunge. The stupid plunge where hope creeps in and thinks "wouldn't that be COOOOOOL".
I was adjusting my common thread bracelet in the shower cuz it looked loose, and it FELL OFF. So being the stupid hopeful I'd let myself become, I thought how COOOOOOL that'd be if it was a "sign"! How COOOOOOL it'd be if the IUI the husband HELPED WITH was the one that took! I even told the husband so he could reinforce my insanity and so he could hope a little too. Cuz yea, why not line us BOTH up at the firing range of disappointment?
The long and short of it is I got a negative on the pee stick this morning. It's CD28 and 14DPIUI so it's not wrong. The husband's leaving tomorrow for a week, so I caved in and did the thing I never do - I POAS a day early and I NEVER POAS until AF's late, never never never! I ignorantly thought it'd be SOOOOOO much more FUN if we could spend today being excited TOGETHER, rather than me being excited ALONE at this end of the country and him being excited ALONE at that end of the country, and the telecom providers making a killing off our separation-excitement. Stupid stupid girl.
This one's kindof an "oh well" though. I'm teary and sad but not wrecked like last month's gong show of anger and despair. Last month, good or bad, taught me IUI's are NOT the bullshit-fixer I'd hoped they WOULD be. So this month I wasn't hopeful the whole time - just for four fun days.
Onto IUI#3 I guess.
Sunday, 2 September, 2007
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16 comments:
You aren't a stupid girl. If it came out the opposite way, you'd be patting yourself on the back telling yourself how smart you were. So it's all relative. Don't beat yourself up.
For now, a quiet ~hug~ and hope for the future.
Oh chicklet, bummer. I know what you mean about hoping the next phase of treatment will be the "be all end all". Its not fun when it doesn't happen that way.
Good for you for trying to stay sane, like nancy said -- its all relative to the outcome. Hang in there and try to take advantage of some special time for yourself while you are on your own.
hugs to you, still hoping.
OHugh, that is such a blow. I am very sorry that you were left looking at a blank stick. Hugs Girl
Ugh - I'm so sorry. You're not stupid - I would have done the exact same thing in your situation.
I will be sure to follow along with #3!!
I woulda done the same thing...Im just sorry it wasnt 2 lines for you. But as everyone else has said, Ill be around to support you through #3 and hope this next time is it=)
Whatever the outcome is, I always think it is better for me to do it when BigP is around. That way he can hold me if I need to cry and tell me it will all be ok. If it is ever positive he will be there to laugh and cry with me too.
I hope the third time is the charm.
I'm so sorry it wasn't the trick this month.
I have an effing good bottle of wine with our names on it.
I'm so sorry that things did not turn out this month. It is always such a pisser when we dare to be hopeful only to have reality come and smack us in the face. I'm thinking of you today...
Come on #3!!!
Shit. I wish this would have ended differently. I felt like you with IUI #2. The first one was so exciting and I just felt like it was going to be "it!" But, for me, when #2 rolled around it was kinda "let's get this over with so we can try something that will actually work" mindset.
I'm glad your hubby was around, though. I'm sure that was a little comforting.
Again, so sorry. I'm drinking tonight so I'll have one in honor of you and for good wishes for #3.
I am sorry this cycle didn't work. May the third time be the charm for you.
Oh sweetie I'm so sorry :( Big hugs to you.
Oh Chicklet your negative POAS result just blows. I know how much you wanted to share in that excitement so I completely understand why you'd look early. You're not stupid in the least. I admire your attitude here.
Oh Chicklet your negative POAS result just blows. I know how much you wanted to share in that excitement so I completely understand why you'd look early. You're not stupid in the least. I admire your attitude here.
I am so sorry chicklet. I know how hard it is to put it all out of your mind, so good for you that you were able to do that--I just wish that the outcome had been different. It all just sucks. I know that doesn't make it any better, but I'll be thinking about you and hoping that the 3rd time really will be the charm.
I'm sorry. It is hard to accept that we get a little used to disappointment and therefore cope better. WHY SHOULD WE! See I'm angry for you now.
And I HATE signs, they don't cause the fall but they make the landing more bumpy for sure.
Hang in there. IUI 3 has a ring to it xx
oh crap. i'm so sorry.
you're most definitely not a stupid girl though. . . i think you did exactly the right thing. this way you had a day of support from the husband in person instead of only by phone.
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