I have the friend we all have - the one who started trying after me, got knocked up before me, and has a real live baby now. And I'm STILL not knocked up. I'm still trying to GET knocked up. And I'm pretty sure she'll get pregnant with her SECOND, before I'm even pregnant with my FIRST.
I also have the friend who tried LONG before me, got one past the goalie on the first or second shot, and has two real live kids now. Not BABIES, KIDS!. Cuz she did this so long ago and so easily that these babies have had plenty of time to BECOME kids. With this SPECIFIC friend, I also played the previously much more ignorant version of myself. The version where I thought WE'D start trying when she was already pregnant with the second. The version where I thought it'd be COOL if we could be pregnant together, and all our kidlets would line up nicely in age. I also played the version of me who thought pigs could grow wings and monkeys could fly airplanes while standing on their heads.
Unfortunately for me, these friends are very close, not only to each other, but to me - they are EXTREMELY important parts of my life and have done AMAZING things both pre-infertility and during-infertility that have made me cry over just HOW amazing they were. But they've also said things only fertiles would say. They never EVER said any of those things maliciously, they actually said them quite innocently, but they SAID them, just as every other fertile says them, and that unfortunately for them makes them my examples - not my TARGETS, just my examples. And while they're not reading this yet, one day they might, and I'd hope they'd understand the difference.
But where I'm going is this - the truth is that I WOULD wish infertility on everyone. Including these two friends. Not to the SEEMINGLY-permanent-state-of-limbo I'm in, definitely not to THAT extent. But maybe just for a few months, I'd like EVERYONE to experience this.
I'd like EVERY SINGLE man and woman to experience it JUST long enough to wonder. To wonder if there's something wrong with THEIR bodies. To wonder if THEY'RE going to be the ones to have to go through this. To wonder if THEY'LL have to wait, and wonder how LONG they'll have to wait. To wonder HOW ON EARTH they'll do this month after month after month if they really HAVE to keep doing this month after month after month. To wonder why it isn't so easy for THEM! WHEN will it be THEIR turn! And for fuck's sake, will they EVER get to be done with this bullshit?
And then I'd like the magic to come in, and I'd like it to work for them.
Because as I said above, I wouldn't wish TRUE infertility on anyone, but in the last few weeks I've realized I WOULD wish the 'I wonder if I'm infertile" part on everyone. EVERYONE. Including the people I love most, because unfortunately, I really am that horrible. I also really am THAT frustrated that people treat this like something that you can just RELAX and fix.
I would wish on everyone the knowledge that they WERE relaxed, and it didn't work anyway. The vacation that DIDN'T get them knocked up. The knowledge that certain comments, although they're not meant to, will sit with an infertile FOREVER. And the realization and understanding that the ONLY words that are helpful, are "I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is there anything I can do?"
Wednesday, 29 August, 2007
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26 comments:
I hear you sister. There's so much taken for granted when it comes easily. And much as I've tried there's no way to explain the torture of the waiting, the failed cycles, the unknown of whether a successful pregnancy will ever happen. The analogies ring hollow. The pain is impossible to convey unless you've lived it.
I think the same thing. I wish everyone got a taste of it. So instead of hearing "I feel so sorry for YOU" when they find out I'm not pregnant, again. But to hear "I feel SO lucky for being blessed to not have to go through what you have to" when they do get pregnant so easily.
p.s. - you aren't doing much to help me along with obsessing about your IUI #2. Where's the obsessing? Where's the early poas-ing? How can you be so calm about this? :) :) :)
This is one of my secrets too. I wished that my sister wouldn't get pregnant right away. I knew she was wanting to start trying again. The first month she quit taking her pills she got pregnant (I don't think she was even off them the entire cycle.). I didn't want her to have trouble for years like me - but just three or four months. Just so she could "try" and not succeed for once.
She is due in November. She will have two biological children and one step-son. I have three dogs.
You aren't horrible. I feel the exact same way. I am terrified that my sister is going to get pg with her third before I get pg with my first. I had already been trying for 3 months when she accidentally got pg with #2. Over 2 years ago!!!
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!! nuff Said..i feel the same way
Obviously this desire is shared. It would just be nice for everyone to understand that even though socially children are an expectation, physically and biologically things don't always fall into place.
In a perfect world, people would feel the slight sting that having children is not a given and would be able to fully empathize with those of us who are feeling the sting many times over. Those same people would understand just how much of a gift it is to bring children into the world, and would never take it for granted.
I've felt this way many times. No matter how well-meaning your friends are, most people take getting pregnant and having a baby for granted. And sometimes they just don't understand.
With my friends, I started telling them how hurtful those small comments were to me, even though I know they didn't mean them the way they came out. And that, though I knew they were trying to help, most of the time I just needed someone to validate my fear and tell me that it totally sucks.
And you know what? It worked. Some better than others, but at least they didn't unthinkingly say something hurtful to me.
*hug*
A-freakin-Men!!!
Sing it, sister! You're not horrible at all. (Or, if you ARE, then you're in very good company!) Thank you for writing this, Chicklet. It's one of those things I've thought but never put into words. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.
That said, here's hoping that "the magic comes in for you" soon!
Oh I totally relate to this post--its so true-and wow, I just really kept nodding my head all the way through your words! Thanks for writing my thoughts too=)
This is such a true sentement....but even if everyone had only experienced a few months...we would STILL here...have you tried to "relax", "go on vacation", "relaxing...have you tried it" I think no matter what...those who can, never will "get it"
me too! me too!!!! but i'm worse...i dont want them to experience it for only a few months. i want them to experience "infertility" for 8 months, minimum. why 8? because i think people only really start questioning themselves after 6 months...then around 8 months, they start to get worried. (of course, i'm a worry wart to begin with, so i started freaking out much earlier =P).
the only friend that i can relate to is the one who got pg right away, but then lost it very early - like me. everyone else can suck my toe. and all of my great friends have all said those seemingly innocent words to me (just relax my ass!) - and i'm so horrible that i dont think i can ever forgive them.
The problem is if everyone experienced IF then it would just be accepted that it took 6-8 months before you got pg, but I know what you mean.
I am afraid I am even more horrible because I would wish late term loss on everyone too. I am so ashamed of that I am leaving this anonymously.
Great post! Soooo true!
I feel this way too at times. I don't think it's badness, just frustration. I wish people were a bit more clued up.
And then I think, I bet there are loads of people suffering with conditions I am oblivious to. Perhaps one of these people think that I'm the lucky one? Perhaps I am. It doesn't work for long! but can sometimes get me over a bad patch.
Oh wow.. how I can relate to this! I spent yesterday at a large playgroup meeting with my daughter and every single mother there had a child her age (3) and a baby, AND most were also pregnant. I know how blessed I am to have her, but it's so incredibly difficult to handle all of the, 'so, are you trying?' questions. I feel like I have to lie and say we're not ready, because really... most people expect that it can happen whenever you want, and there's no other way to get into it without REALLY getting into it. It's just a sucky situation all around.
I completely agree. I wish others had to experience all the crap we have to go through to achieve what most people achieve without even thinking about it.
The unfortunate thing though is that you never really understand the depths of IF until you're really in it. Case in point, my friend who tried for 8 months (she got pregnant after 3 but lost it and tried again for 5 months and she was pregnant again)who is pregnant has been giving me the "relax" and other things I can't stand. I don't think she's doing it purposely, but its like pregnancy has completely brainwashed her or something.
I know that if I ever get pregnant again I will never forget how I feel because I'm sure those feelings will translate into my feelings towards being pregnant in some way, shape or form. I'm so over all of the fertile people of world talking about this like they have any clue.
They don't. I don't even want them to try and understand. I just want them to leave me the hell alone because obviously what they've got is not contagious and being around them just irritates me more than it helps.
**sorry for the rant, but your post brought out some pent up bitchiness I still have inside** :)
lol! Regarding the obsession and not knowing where you are ... I even knew what dpo you were AND your cd!
I absolutely hear you on this. I just wish people had even the teeniest inkling of what we go through month after month after month. A friend recently tried to liken my experience (3.5 yrs, many tens of thousands of dollars, never more than one friggin' line...) to her experience finding out she wasn't pg in her FIRST MONTH. Argh. It was right about then that I put my IF hex on her. We'll see if it works.
I will be crossing my fingers for your Hubby's IUI!!
So true!
I used to say that everyone should experience the joys of being a waiter or waitress. That way they could appreciate eating out in a new way. I hated the brief period when I was a waitress but it let me see things in a whole new light.
Now, you guessed it, I wish everyone would experience infertility. To shed a whole new light!
*applause* So incredibly well said! I also find it comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has secretly wished what I'm going through (or at least some subset of it) on others. I think we all have at one time or another. Thanks for giving it a voice.
What can I say but that people say dumb, thoughtless crap. Just because it isn't meant maliciously doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.
I completely agree. So glad to hear someone else say it.
I definitely know where you're coming from on this one. Maybe if more people knew what it felt like to wonder, even for only a few months, there would be less people telling us to relax.
What a good post. I totally agree...have ppl "walk a mile in our shoes". Then maybe ppl would appreciate their children more and love them more/yell a little less. I'm sorry it's rough right now with the friends being preggo. But it's good to know you're still happy for them and you're still pluggin' along.
((hugs))
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