If I Lie Here

I have a confession to make. Until today at around 9:30am, I hated the song "Chasing Cars". Hated it, hated it, H-A-T-E-D... I-T!!! Every time it started to play on the radio, or on the CD the husband burned, I'd run screaming as fast I could to the nearest remote/volume-control/channel-changer and immediately click something, ANYTHING, to get to ANYWHERE else but where we were. All so I didn't have to hear that stupid song. Sometimes, in the car, it'd even get us in a near accident if I was driving cuz I'd be flailing my hands around desperately trying to do everything in my power to GET RID OF THAT SONG.

And then today, driving home from the gym (more to come on that later, but woohoo! for me!!), we decided to head out to Rona and look for more patio stuff. Which meant, more music to listen to as it's a longer drive to Rona than to home. Which as you might've guessed, also meant that F*ING SONG CAME ON! And as I started driving us into the nearest ditch, believing with every ounce of my being that SURELY that'd be less painful than having to listen to that song, the husband said all casual, "I really like this song. It reminds me of when we used to just lay in your closet. That feeling of just you and me, in your closet. It was really good in there."

As if an announcement came over the loudspeakers, "Waterworks - COMMENCE!", I started bawling. Like a 1980's teenage version of me whose hairspray had run out right at the key moment when the blowdryer and hairspray were going to solidify my hair into eternal cement, I bawled. And the f*er laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed. I called him names. I yelled at him to find me napkins. I hit him in the head with my water bottle. And he laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed.

And the thing is, we're NOT sappy people. We're MEAN people. We're people who actually enjoy scaring the shit out of each other by jumping out from behind dark spaces, by poking the other in the buttcrack when we're walking up stairs with both our hands full of groceries so we're not able to defend ourselves, and by making up really mean things we could train our future children to do to each other (if you've seen Scrubs, there's an episode where Jordan teaches her son to do a "man check" on her husband, and we nearly wet ourselves laughing - I've even saved it on tape to watch again when I need cheering up!). So as you can see, we're actually kinda twisted and messed up, and for the most part, NOT sappy.

But as I listened to those words, those previously stupid stupid words, it got me. It took me back to a time when things were just so much easier. When life wasn't so complicated. When the biggest or most recurring stress in our lives was how often we could hang out in public without any of our co-workers catching on that we were shagging like rabbits. Or how soon we'd have to announce our togetherness, because in reality, we knew we had to do it BEFORE we got busted, but we also didn't want to do it until we knew we weren't just drunk on lust.

And while there's so many parts of our life now that are just SOOOO much better than that ever was, and while I really wouldn't go back to that time because other than this infertility crap things DO just keep getting better and better for us, I miss the simplicity of that stress - not that life, that stress. Of stress that you know will one day go away. Of stress that you can choose to opt out of just by dealing with it.