Day One

So it's not really day one of this infertility crap, that's been going on for somewhere between a year and a half and two years - I try not to think about exactly how long or it just pisses me off. It's day one though because I'm putting my first post up, joining your world, hoping you'll LET me join your world. Truth is I've been spying on all of you for awhile now, and I'm hoping that maybe if I share my bullshit, I can make someone else feel less alone like you all made me. And I'm hoping that maybe you'll all welcome me with open arms and agree to be my therapists if I agree to comment more and be yours... cuz according to one of my friend's, I may need a therapist... or three.

Thing is, I am angry. Out of my three remaining infertile friends, I'm the angry one. I'm the one who no matter how hard she tries, does not think there are any more lessons to be learned out of this. Who thinks all my friends who got pregnant on the first try without even knowing their cycle dates or why a temperature would go up, are bitches. Who dreams of drilling people in the head when they tell me to relax, to go on a vacation, or of their friends who stopped trying and magically, they got pregnant. I'm the one who when people tell me it'll all be worth it in the end wonders if it really will be. And it's not because I don't want a kid, it's not because I don't want to yell at my husband playing with that kid to get in here and help me with the god damn groceries (!!!), it's because as Serenity Now put it yesterday, I'm exhausted. I'm really really exhausted.

Going through this month after month, wanting it as badly as I now do, I wonder if it'll just be like, oh well, ho hum, sure isn't all it's cracked up to be, man I'm tired. I mean what if it's not? Because some days, I wonder. Where I really get stuck on this is something a friend told me a couple weeks ago, when she said "things happen for a reason, this will all be worth it when you have that beautiful little baby", and all I wanted to do was reach through the phone, jab my index fingers in her eyes, and tell her I wouldn't pull them out until she took it back. Partly because she got pregnant on the first shot. Partly because she started trying after me and has a real live kid before I'm even knocked up. Partly because I actually don't want a "beautiful little baby", I want a healthy kid with my husband's ADD and sense of humor, and my personality and laugh. But partly because I don't know anymore that it WILL all be worth it.

Don't get me wrong, a kid is worth anything at this point, it really really is - I can't even explain how much a part of my every single day this wanting has become, but the 'all worth it' part, I don't know. What I mean is I don't know that I'm ever going to look back on this time and be like yea, THAT TIME, that was worth it. Yea, that made me stronger, yea, I'm glad I did that, yea, I'm glad I went through that. Because this time, while it's made me new friends, it's also hurt some of my old friendships. And while it's helped me understand my infertile friends, it's awakened insensitivity in my fertile friends and family I didn't know was there. It's made me really angry and cynical. And it's gone on long enough that I'm past the point of knowing I'll be so happy to finally be pregnant that I'll instead be worried about if it'll stick, I'll be sad that I don't get to surprise my husband with some romantic gesture of an announcement, and I'll be waiting for the shoe to drop, because how could I not? It's fallen every month for however many months now it's been.

Anyhoo, I'm a pure joy tonight, sorry...